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CD
1
'My name is Charlie Wood...
2
'I think I made a big mistake. '
3
Higher...
4
I can't, sweetheart. Any higher, you're gonna hit the moon.
5
And get a bump?
6
That's right, smart girl, and get a bump!
7
Oh, hey! Emily, look who it is.
8
- Hi, Isabella. - Hi, Emilita.
9
- There we go... Hi, how are you? - Hey, great.
10
OK, I've got her lunch, an extra Thermos of apple juice,
11
her Elmo doll, Mr. Frizzles, 12 grapes in a bag...
12
I got it, Mr. Wood.
13
- Thanks. I'll see you at 5:00. - OK.
14
All right, sweetheart. Come here. High five...
15
First the Wyoming Widow, now the Oregon Undertaker.
16
They just pulled a dead girl out of the reservoir.
17
God! Suicide?
18
If she chopped off her own arms and legs before strangling herself, maybe.
19
- Pen, I'm eating. - They figure it's the Oregon Undertaker.
20
That's the fourth girl in six months.
21
Each one mutilated and disemboweled...
22
- Pen! Pen! - Oh, sorry baby.
23
Listen, Charlie. You don't have to do this, you know.
24
Course I do. We can't go on living on one income.
25
How many times have you given Emily SpaghettiOs?
26
She likes SpaghettiOs.
27
Hey, baby. Trust me. Once they buy your book...
28
Not a single publisher has called, Pen. Not a single one.
29
'The term "black hole" is of very recent origin.
30
'It was coined in 1969 by the American scientist John... '
31
We handle nearly 200,000 calls a day -
32
the hotlines to some of the biggest corporations in the country.
33
- Sentel Online. Melanie speaking... - ... Melanie speaking. How can I help?
34
Again, my name is Melanie. Have a great day.
35
Do you only hire women named Melanie?
36
It's a trick of the trade. Callers like to think they get the same service rep.
37
This here is the Melanie and John section,
38
and you are over here with the Jennifers and Stephens.
39
This is you.
40
What do you mean this is me? I was told I had a supervisor position.
41
You gotta spend six months in the trenches
42
before you can interview for a supervisor.
43
But I have a Ph. D.
44
- Surely... - Look. You want the job or not?
45
- Yeah. - Great!
46
Gus here will help get you started.
47
- OK, Stephen. - It's Charlie.
48
Sure it is!
49
In the File menu do you see where it says Open?
50
Okey-dokey. Can you open the Open menu?
51
Okey-dokey. Again, my name is Stephen. Thank you for calling Sentel.
52
'I actually liked Gus at first sight. '
53
- Welcome to hell, dickhead! - 'Maybe not at first. '
54
- I'm sorry? - Hell!
55
People hooked up to machines like slaves.
56
And the smell... It's pure underarm.
57
OK, so what do we do here?
58
Sentel Online, Stephen speaking. How may I help you?
59
Okey-dokey, ma'am. Have you checked to see if your PC is on?
60
No, I'm not a retard. That's simply the protocol...
61
Sorry.
62
Okey-dokey. I'm gonna check that with my supervisor real quick
63
and I'm gonna put you on hold.
64
You feel feisty, you whiney little turkey-necked bitch?
65
Why don't you hop up on my dick and see if that fires your monitor?
66
Hello, ma'am. Thanks for waiting.
67
I'm gonna transfer you over to our technical service department.
68
Okey-dokey? Please hold...
69
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed dwarf is king!
70
That's my wife, Stephanie. Ex-wife! Keep forgetting!
71
And that there is my little daughter, Thais.
72
- That's a pretty name. - Yeah, it's Greek. It means 'Beloved'.
73
Thais has this problem with her eye pressure
74
and the doctor said if she doesn't get a cornea transplant in a year
75
then she's gonna go blind.
76
Every year, 65,000 diabetics
77
develop Proliferative Retinopathy,
78
one of the leading precursors to blindness.
79
She's not diabetic.
80
Ahem! So, are you gonna be able to afford the surgery before she...
81
Yeah, I hope so. If everything, you know, goes as expected.
82
- What do you mean? - Huh?
83
I have a plan.
84
Oh, hells bells!
85
'You see, Stephen, I'm 65 years old now
86
'and my husband is asking me to do it donkey-style... '
87
OK, ma'am. I'm going to transfer you to our technical department. Please hold...
88
- Good god... - Are you expecting a call?
89
Sentel Online, this is Charlie, er... Stephen. How can I help you?
90
'Yeah, my IP Address is stuck on 169.'
91
OK, Sir. Have you checked to make sure your computer is on?
92
- 'Didn't you hear what I said?' - Yes.
93
Oh, IP Address. IP Address...
94
Here we go. Your IP Address should start with 81.
95
So... does it?
96
'I told you it was stuck on 169! Do the cleaners answer the phones?'
97
- Sir... - 'No, don't sir me, asshole!
98
'Just help me out with my fucking problem!'
99
Please hold on while I check with our technical department.
100
Yes, sir. Your wife is one of 3.8 percent of American women
101
who engage in online chats with a stranger, accompanied by masturbation.
102
'My wife died three months ago.
103
'But I'd like to discuss that with your supervisor, Stephen. '
104
Hey! Charlie, wait. Wait!
105
- It's my fault. - Don't worry about it. I'll be all right.
106
- Look, you know I said I had a plan? - Yep.
107
Well, why don't you come in on it with me?
108
You know, be like a partner or something?
109
I sure as hell feel like I owe you one.
110
- It's not illegal, is it? - What? No...
111
- Dickinson! - Yeah. Right.
112
Look, meet me at the Monkey Wrench, nine o'clock. OK? Yeah.
113
Choo-choo Charlie!
114
Hey, Max. Two bottles of your finest mass-produced lager, if you please.
115
- So? - Come here.
116
So, I stumbled across the database at work.
117
The online history of each and every member of Sentel Online.
118
Look, this is their record of everyone in the state
119
that went online in the last three months and logged on to an illegal porn site.
120
Now I figure there's gotta be somebody in here
121
willing to fork over some coin to keep things hush-hush.
122
- They all look the same - And yet they're not.
123
- R-E-V Neville Smalls. What's R-E-V? - Reverend.
124
Exactly! It's brilliant, don't you think?
125
- I don't think I'm criminal material... - Wait, wait!
126
We're talking about a man of the cloth
127
who likes to watch teenagers take off their clothes
128
and have god-knows-who do god-knows-what to them!
129
Who's the real criminal here?
130
I tried to do things by the book, the nine to five. You know where it got me?
131
My daughter is about to go blind, Charlie. Blind!
132
- How much? - 50 for me, 50 for you. Even hundred.
133
A hundred?
134
Thousand?
135
- Dollars? - Not much to preserve one's reputation.
136
- What if somebody gets hurt? - It's a non-violent enterprise.
137
No harm done whatsoever. Pretty much all I need is for you to be my alibi.
138
- That's all? - That's all.
139
OK...
140
Pick the blue one and you go back to your old life.
141
But pick the red one and you finally get to be a free man.
142
But, I must warn you, once you eat the red one... there's no turning back.
143
Yes! I gotta tell you, I was a little nervous about going solo.
144
OK. Rule number one - preparation is king.
145
More than anything else, we wanna rule out the element of...
146
- Surprise! - Jeez!
147
Josie, how long were you sitting there?
148
Long enough to ask how you'd feel about bringing in a third.
149
Oh...
150
'Here's the touching story of how Gus met Josie. '
151
Er... miss.
152
- Yes, sir? - I'm gonna get the cheque.
153
- Why? - Does the chef have curly hair?
154
- No. - I'm gonna get the cheque.
155
- You work at the call center, huh? - Yeah, how can you tell?
156
- Well, half the town does. - Right.
157
- You have that look the rest of them do. - What look is that?
158
That how much longer till I drop dead so I don't have to go to my stupid job!
159
- That look. - Yeah, that would be the one.
160
- You from here? - Nope. Oklahoma.
161
- Oh, Oklahoma. What's that like? - Nowhere near as sexy as you.
162
- Ahem! - I'll get that.
163
So, care to hear about our desert special?
164
Wow! Jeez! You sure are a very forthright and smart girl, ain't ya?
165
That's what they said last year when they crowned me Miss Teen Oklahoma.
166
- What? - What?
167
- Miss Teen Oklahoma? Last year? - Yeah.
168
- How old are you? - 18... more or less.
169
Is it more or is it less?
170
Well... less, I guess!
171
Shit!
172
- What the hell's matter with you? - You're a child!
173
Do I look like a child? Huh?
174
OK... Ah! Is there anything else you forgot to mention?
175
- Who are you? - Charlie Wood, Gus's former co-worker.
176
Josie McBroom. Gus and I were an item.
177
- Ha! - What?
178
- I'm sorry to interrupt, but what... - I want in.
179
All right, read my lips, OK - no f... g way!
180
- You guys can't do the job without me? - Why?
181
Because, dumb-dumb, I'm the only one who can make the call.
182
If the preacher records you on his answer machine
183
they'll try and match it up with the voice records from the call center.
184
You guys would be screwed, stuffed and mounted.
185
- Is that true? - Kinda.
186
How'd you work that out?
187
I told you, I was Miss Teen Oklahoma.
188
- How much do you want? - 20,000.
189
20,000? For making a phone call?
190
For making 'the' phone call.
191
'The average person makes about 1,140 phone calls each year,
192
'none of which go anything like this. '
193
May I speak to the Reverend Smalls, please?
194
Hi, Reverend. Are you familiar with a website that goes by the name of
195
teen orgies dot com, or young and hung dot com?
196
Someone who knows what the mouse plays when the wife's away.
197
Listen, sicko. I have a list of all your favorite sites, your credit card
number,
198
dates and times of all your connections, so you better cut the crap!
199
- What do I want? - 100,000 dollars.
200
100,000 dollars.
201
- 200,000. - What?
202
You heard me, I want 200,000 dollars, cash.
203
Take it or leave it. But if I don't have my money by tomorrow evening,
204
the next church newsletter is gonna be a doozy!
205
And I'll be sending somebody.
206
Well, I think that somebody deserves to made a full partner, don't you?
207
Wait! I took a chance and it worked.
208
Now we each get 70,000 dollars.
209
It's actually 66,666, followed by an infinite number of sixes.
210
Thanks, Rain Man!
211
From now on, anybody pulls any out-of-the-blue stunts, she's out!
212
If we're partners, let's start acting like it.
213
This is the plan - I go get the money at 9:00 p. m. tomorrow.
214
'At the same time, Charlie enters the Monkey Wrench
215
'and pretends we ran out of gas on the road to Mill Creek. '
216
He also says that I'm on my way to the gas station,
217
the one that opens 24/7, don't forget.
218
10:00 p. m., after I stash the money in a locker at the railway station,
219
I come back and tell everyone about my walk in the dark.
220
If it comes up, Charlie was at the bar, I was at the gas station.
221
The guy at the station will say he never saw you.
222
- Sure. You why? Cos he's blind. - Oh, pretty brill!
223
The following day we meet at noon,
224
we divvy up the money and go our respective ways.
225
OK, now. Any questions?
226
Why don't we just divvy up the money immediately?
227
Rule number two - always let the dust settle after a job.
228
"Rule number two?" What, you've been reading 'Blackmailing for Dummies'?
229
Any questions? Great.
230
Rule number three - no matter what happens... always stick to the plan.
231
'The next day might have been the longest one I'd ever known.
232
'For the first time since I could remember
233
'I'd be able to bring security and happiness to my family. '
234
'I couldn't tell you if what I felt was fear or excitement. '
235
So, Mr. Supervisor, talk to me. Do you have a secretary?
236
- Yep. - Is she pretty?
237
Pretty? Er... no, she's more nondescript.
238
What's her name?
239
- Sharon. - Sharon?
240
- Sharon what? - Er... Stone.
241
- Sharon Stone? - I know!
242
- So, how was your day? - Oh, phenomenal
243
And to top it off, the FBI is sending in The Eye.
244
- The what? - The who?
245
Bionic, supersonic Special Agent Chester Hymes, FBI. AKA The Eye.
246
Which is just what I need with the Undertaker case out of control -
247
no leads, no fingerprints, nothing.
248
Honestly, why some folks suddenly have to turn into criminals is beyond me.
249
- What if I did? - What if you did what?
250
If I became a criminal.
251
Like if I, er... stole some money, or something.
252
I'd arrest you.
253
But let's say... let's say I had to.
254
Like we had no other choice and I had to steal something, er...
255
because I had to. What then?
256
I'd arrest you.
257
- Why? - A good cop always gets her man!
258
No... I'm serious, Pen.
259
Why...
260
Why should Emily have to put up with second-hand toys,
261
second-hand clothes, a second-hand life?
262
Charlie, you have your book, you have me and Emily. And that makes us rich.
263
Hi.
264
Oh, what a crazy night!
265
- My car ran out of gas... - You gonna order?
266
Sure. Beer, please.
267
One of your finest, mass-produced...
268
My friend, Gus... You know Gus.
269
Gus Dickinson, works down at the call center.
270
Reverend Smalls?
271
And that's where he is now - walking down that road to the station.
272
Reverend Sma...
273
Smalls...
274
The old blind guy who runs the station keeps it open 24/7.
275
Old blind guy is celebrating his 80th birthday tonight, young fella.
276
Who the hell are you?
277
Er... I'm the guy that's here to collect the money.
278
- Give me your gun. - I don't have one.
279
You've come to get money from me and you ain't packing?
280
Give my regards to the big bearded guy.
281
You don't mean Santa Claus, do you?
282
Gus?
283
Gus?
284
Gus?
285
Gus?
286
Oh my...!
287
'If it's you, Jos? fuck off! Everybody else, leave a message. '
288
Josie? Josie? Pick up.
289
Josie, are you there? We have a real problem here. Pick up.
290
Gus?
291
Gus?
292
Gus? Gus, are you there?
293
Gus?
294
Gus?
295
- Oh! - Oh my God!
296
- What happened? - What are you doing here?
297
The station was closed.
298
Our alibi! So I came here.
299
- Whoa! Calm down - What the hell happened?
300
The bastard pulled a gun on me. He was gonna shoot me
301
and I grabbed the gun and it went off. No biggy.
302
- No biggy? - I conked him on the head with a vase.
303
He's gonna wake up any minute now.
304
Oh, Gus...
305
I think I made a big mistake.
306
- Did you call the cops? - I put him in the septic tank.
307
- Who? - The corpse.
308
- What corpse? - The reverend's corpse.
309
The reverend wasn't a corpse when I left him.
310
- There was blood. I saw blood... - It was my blood.
311
He shot me through the leg. Look, it went clean through the muscle.
312
Oh my god.
313
Why didn't you answer when I called you?
314
I was in the bathroom cleaning the wound.
315
I checked his pulse. I mean, well...
316
- Maybe I missed it. 17 percent... - You missed it?
317
What? Can't we get him out of the tank?
318
- How long's he been down there? - 10 minutes, tops.
319
What?
320
I thought I said, no matter what, stick to the fucking plan.
321
There wasn't anything in the fucking plan
322
about the blind guy's birthday and the reverend in a pool of blood!
323
All right, let's calm down.
324
- Don't you need a doctor? - Yeah!
325
There's a slightly more pressing matter!
326
- What are you doing? - He's crying.
327
Jesus, Gus. He's crying for what we've done, for our sin.
328
- Jesus. Hail Mary, full of grace... - Bathtub.
329
Goddammit! Is that part of your plan?
330
After you kill someone you take a nice hot bath?
331
I didn't kill anybody, first of all. Second, I don't pray to leaky ceilings!
332
Well you know what, I'm having a tough time here.
333
I just drowned a man of the cloth in crap!
334
- Maybe I should turn myself in... - No!
335
Nobody is turning anybody in
336
Now did you know the priest was alive when you killed him?
337
- No. - There you go then.
338
How could we have thought a reverend would have 200,000 dollars in cash?
339
The average savings of an American couple between 35 and 50
340
is 15,256 dollars.
341
Charlie, Charlie...
342
Shut up!
343
Wait!
344
No! Rule number four - never return to the crime scene.
345
It's Josie's card, I left it by the phone.
346
Rule number five - if your partner is an idiot, forget rule number four.
347
It's gone.
348
Got it.
349
Ow! What the fuck?
350
Ow!
351
Shouldn't we be going?
352
Aren't you just a little curious?
353
'Have a look right there. This beauty, huh?
354
'How are you?'
355
'Look. This is for you, all right?'
356
- She's an actress, right? - 'Shut up, all right?
357
'You like this, baby? You like this? Right here?
358
'You like to feel that? Feel that. Yeah.
359
'Yeah. You know what this? I am gonna carve your face up...
360
'Argh!'
361
'Shut up!'
362
If I didn't know better, you know what I'd say this looks like?
363
A snuff film?
364
Holy moly!
365
- Who says Holy moly? - Is it important right now?
366
This is why he was so keen to cop a deal. He's part of a snuff film ring.
367
- We've gotta call the police. - What are we gonna tell them?
368
- Look, if they find the body... - They're not gonna find the body.
369
The septic tank was genius. Look at it this way -
370
we may have saved lives tonight.
371
- You think he's the Oregon Undertaker? - Who knows.
372
He sure as hell got what he deserved.
373
Charlie... Wait!
374
You mind if I come in?
375
What?
376
We found the reverend's body.
377
- It was an accident... - This was no accident.
378
Someone shot him three times in the head
379
and left him in his car by the side of the road.
380
That's a hard pill to swallow. Murder always is.
381
I'm sorry. Are you certain that it's the Reverend Smalls?
382
- Oh yeah. We've got a positive ID. - Then who's...
383
Who's what?
384
Who is... safe
385
in this godforsaken world...
386
- You family? - Yeah... No!
387
Just a friend. A family friend.
388
- And your name is? - Stephen.
389
Stephen Hawking.
390
Mind if I...
391
- You're watching a DVD, huh? - Yeah... No!
392
I mean... did you know that DVD sales
393
have risen by 226 percent over the last six months?
394
Well... no.
395
But I sure am 100 percent glad to know that. Thanks for the factoid.
396
So, er... can I get you a drink?
397
A glass of H20, if you please, Mr. Hawking.
398
There's some blood on the floor.
399
- Mr. Hawking? - Yeah. I, er...
400
I broke a vase and, er...
401
and accidentally cut my arm on one of the shards.
402
- Look... - Oh, doggy!
403
That hurts just looking at it.
404
- What are you doing? - Getting a sample. Standard procedure.
405
'Deputy Garmen, Detective Wood wants you at the station. '
406
Copy that.
407
Detective Wood, always breathing down my neck.
408
Ain't had a good poke, if you ask me.
409
I'm not asking, but whatever.
410
Well, I'd better get a move on.
411
Mmm... What a beautiful night.
412
You could almost touch those stars, huh?
413
Yep.
414
Although, even if you were traveling the speed of light
415
it would take you 1,460 days to reach the closest one.
416
Is that right?
417
Well you are just a walking factoid factory, partner!
418
You have yourself a good night.
419
You, too, officer.
420
Oh... would you mind if I took a gander at that DVD you were watching?
421
Curiosity killed the cat, Officer.
422
In my line of work, the cat gets a raise and a promotion.
423
My nine-year-old loves this one.
424
Especially this part with this singing cow.
425
I've got to admit, Stephen...
426
I thought you were hiding something.
427
It kinda looks like something got dragged here.
428
You wanna come with me?
429
I need you to lift this up for me, Stephen.
430
- Officer, you don't want to smell... - Open it.
431
So much for the raise and the promotion, Officer!
432
There we go.
433
I knew Columbo here would come back for the DVD. What do we do with him?
434
- Who is in the septic tank? - How do I know.
435
Check the papers, see who's missing.
436
And then what, Gus? We killed somebody!
437
- Oh, you killed somebody! - Well, you kidnapped a cop!
438
- Oh, yes, I did! What do you propose? - I'm turning myself in.
439
They'll say murdered the real reverend.
440
- I had nothing to do with that! - So? What do they care?
441
Makes it all nice and neat for them. No messy loose ends.
442
I'd bet good money they'll be all, "Gosh! We finally caught the Undertaker!"
443
You'll be spitting fire and crying sparks.
444
Enough, OK? Let's not make this worse than it is.
445
Charlie, how could this be any worse?
446
You're not going anywhere.
447
You're gonna shoot me?
448
I've got a family too, Charlie. I am not going to jail.
449
I am going to shoot you, Charlie!
450
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.
451
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am!
452
Shit!
453
Ah! I knew you would...
454
I wouldn't do that.
455
Who the hell are you?
456
Considering that I live here, young man, the question is, "Who the hell are
you?"
457
It's not what you think, Mrs. Smalls. We're not burglars.
458
Look... we have some terrible news.
459
Your husband, the reverend...
460
has passed on.
461
Considering I put three bullets in his head
462
I should certainly hope so!
463
Mrs. Smalls, you have the right to remain silent.
464
- Anything you say... - Oh, please!
465
So you killed him?
466
I spent years turning a blind eye to that pervert's, er...
467
shall we say filmmaking aspirations.
468
Max and I felt we deserved a share of his benefits.
469
- Who's Max? - A real man.
470
We're going from here to somewhere where we'll never worry ever again.
471
- Er... Ahem! - What?
472
I think he may already be there.
473
- What? He wouldn't leave without me. - He didn't really have a choice.
474
- It was an accident. - OK!
475
- Shut up... - Why don't you both shut up!
476
All right, where's the money?
477
- Sorry, what money? - Two million dollars doesn't just vanish!
478
- Two... - Yeah, where is it?
479
Oh dear!
480
I guess I'll just have to count to three. One...
481
- No, Mrs. Smalls! - Tell her where it is.
482
- We don't know! - Two...
483
Tell her!
484
We'll, I'll be! I haven't heard Pink Floyd in years.
485
Well, pa, time to fire up the old septic tank!
486
By the way, what happened exactly?
487
Sure. Charlie drowned the reverend, who he thought was dead
488
even though he wasn't, in the septic tank.
489
Turns out he wasn't the real reverend.
490
The real reverend was murdered by his wife,
491
the woman whose head you split with an axe - stellar timing!
492
She planned to run away with her lover, Max, now deceased, thanks to Charlie,
493
and the two million dollars the reverend raised from his side venture
494
in shooting and selling snuff films. Okey-dokey?
495
- Groovy! - Groovy?
496
Three people died tonight, Josie.
497
In this business, unfortunately, death is an occupational hazard.
498
And by the way, way to go using my name in front of the cop... Charlie!
499
Hey, look. I can help.
500
I'll testify that I heard Mrs. Smalls confess to killing her husband.
501
As for Mrs. Smalls, she was threatening the life of a police officer.
502
- What about the guy in the tank? - You killed him by accident.
503
You wouldn't do much time. Five years, tops.
504
Oh my God!
505
Well that doesn't suck!
506
I have to hand it to you. That was a brilliant plan after all.
507
Can you believe it? We're rich.
508
You guys can keep my share. I'm gonna turn myself in.
509
If I go to jail, I go to jail.
510
Don't be ridiculous! You earned this.
511
They'll just hunt us down like animals.
512
With this kind of money you can disappear.
513
I have a wife and daughter, I don't want to disappear.
514
Fine. Gus and I will leave the state
515
and we'll just drop you and the deputy in the middle of nowhere.
516
- How's that sound? - Let's get rid of the deputy.
517
- What? - Good thinking!
518
Since he's the only one who can testify that we're innocent of the murder.
519
OK, Miss Teen Oklahoma...
520
Help!
521
Help!
522
Yes!
523
- Hold his head. - What are you doing?
524
Just helping him relax a little.
525
My friend here decided to surrender.
526
We'll drop you both somewhere and say goodbye.
527
- You're making a big mistake. - Let's get out of here.
528
Wait, wait!
529
- I gotta go pee. - Oh...
530
- Please? - OK.
531
Wait...
532
- The handcuffs. - In your dreams!
533
There are certain requirements...
534
There. Enjoy!
535
I'm sorry...
536
I can't go if you're, er... watching.
537
Could you just close...
538
Stage fright! It happens to the best of us.
539
One minute warning.
540
You dropped this.
541
- No, I can explain... Argh! - Get up, partner!
542
- What the hell's the matter with you? - It's a flight to Vegas.
543
8:00 a. m. We were supposed to meet at noon to split the money.
544
- That asshole broke my nose! - You better have an explanation.
545
All right, I lied about Thais needing a cornea transplant. She's fine.
546
- I owe my wife 300,000 bucks. - I'm sorry?
547
I owe my ex-wife 300,000 dollars and because of her snake of a lawyer
548
there is a restraining order against me until I pay up.
549
I have not seen or talked to my daughter in two years.
550
- Why not say? - Would you have helped?
551
- Of course not. - Well, there you go, then!
552
- Oh my God! - There goes our alibi.
553
Uh-uh! Freakin' fantastic!
554
Don't you see? None of us has to run away or turn ourselves in.
555
What do you propose? We roam the country
556
like Bonnie and Clyde... and Clyde?
557
No. First, we take the cop's car and crash it into a tree up the road.
558
We put him and the reverend's wife in her car
559
and push it over the cliff at Grouse Point.
560
- They'd find the car in a couple of days. - And what would the forensic figure?
561
That the deputy was driving under the influence of alcohol, crashed,
562
flagged down another car driven by Mrs. Smalls,
563
took control of the wheel and drove them off a cliff.
564
And the wounds, they'd be more than covered up by the crash.
565
So the reverend gets murdered on the same night
566
that his wife gets driven off a cliff by a drunken cop?
567
That doesn't sound very accidental.
568
You know, he has a point... for once.
569
OK, er... Then we plant Mrs. Smalls' gun in the car with them.
570
They figure it was the weapon that killed the reverend.
571
They think... maybe she had an affair with the deputy,
572
maybe they decide to off the reverend and then maybe they had an accident.
573
- That's a hell of a lot of maybes! - Let's hear your bright idea, boss.
574
Ooh! Old broad sure liked her food!
575
Fancy body bags!
576
- You're eating a lollypop? - I didn't have dinner. I need the sugar.
577
- Ow! - Are you OK?
578
Yeah. Let's just get this done.
579
Can you go any slower?
580
We don't wanna attract attention, now do we?
581
No, we don't wanna go back in time, now do we?
582
It's only by going faster than light that one could theoretically go back in
time.
583
Yeah! Do me a favor - shut the fuck up!
584
You have some serious stress-related issues. You're not Canadian, are you?
585
Wh... What?
586
The 2003 statistical report on the health of Canadians states that 62 percent...
587
What's wrong with you? You pull these random facts and stats out of your ass,
588
and nobody really gives a shit!
589
- Guys! - Jesus Christ, man!
590
Charlie, here's a nifty stat for you -
591
for a guy that knows everything, to get a job in a call center
592
you have to be, bar none, the biggest loser I have ever met in my life.
593
And I'm from Las Vegas!
594
You ever hear of a neurotransmitter called acetylcholine?
595
What?
596
It's the chemical your brain uses for memory... dummy.
597
- Is it? - Yeah, that's exactly right.
598
See, the reason I lost my teaching job is I have this disorder,
599
typified by a gradual, acute neuro-degeneration
600
of the cerebral cortex.
601
Or if that's too "pulled out of my ass" for you, I'm slowly losing my memory.
602
Are you making this up?
603
The doctors think that, in a year or two, my mind will be a total blank.
604
So the only thing I can do to slow things down
605
is to keep working my memory as much as possible.
606
Do you remember what's in the blue bag?
607
What blue bag?
608
Jeez, guy, I'm really sorry. You know...
609
Hey, Gus, what's the Greek word for bullshit?
610
- You sonofabitch! - Stop it!
611
Damn it! What the...
612
- Are you fucking crazy? - He lied to us again!
613
He doesn't have a daughter...
614
Is everyone OK in there?
615
We're fine.
616
Everything's fine. So, thanks for coming over.
617
- I think we should call the police. - What?
618
No, let's not bother them. They've got a lot on their plate.
619
You're fine, your car's fine.
620
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that's standard procedure, isn't it?
621
I'll be honest with you - I don't give a rat's ass for standard procedure.
622
Here, why don't you pack your fat ass back in your car
623
and buy yourself as big a sandwich as your heart desires.
624
Is that standard enough procedure for you?
625
- Your trunk is open. - What?
626
You all going on a trip somewhere?
627
Sure looks you're packed for a long one. Is that your entire wardrobe in there?
628
No, it's a couple of dead bodies.
629
- That was a good one! - I'm glad you liked it...
630
Oh, jeez!
631
Oh, it's time for old stingy!
632
What?
633
Oh, it's insulin.
634
Whatever!
635
Freak show!
636
- Ow! - You sonofabitch!
637
Granted, I lied, but I have a responsibility towards myself.
638
- When I got out of prison, I swore... - What? What?
639
You were in prison? For what?
640
I kind of convinced some people to invest in some businesses
641
that weren't actually, technically in existence.
642
- Anything else you forgot, sociopath? - Oh, come on!
643
- Aren't you overreacting a bit? - Overreacting?
644
I happen to be a very good conman.
645
That's my talent. What do you want me to do, waste it?
646
You don't go around using it on your partners, jerk!
647
I bet Gus isn't even your real name. What is it?
648
- No, really, I'd love to know. - My mother, God rest her soul...
649
...named me after Augustus...
650
What the...
651
- Maybe she's jumped out the trunk. - She didn't jump out of any trunk.
652
- She's fucking dead. - Did you check her pulse?
653
- Er... no. - Why didn't you check her pulse?
654
Because I assume that when you have an axe lodged in your skull
655
your pulse tends to bottom out on you!
656
- Maybe you shouldn't assume so much. - All right, just settle down, kids!
657
All that matters now is that we find her before someone else does.
658
- Try to keep it on the road this time! - Hey, fuck you! Fuck you both!
659
When people ain't punching me in the eye, my driving is just perfect.
660
Argh!
661
Want me to check her pulse?
662
Shit!
663
- Charlie? - Hi, honey!
664
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?
665
Wh... We had an anonymous call reporting a body in the road.
666
We just ran over it.
667
Hi, I'm Josie McBroom.
668
I thought you were having a drink with your supervisor.
669
Technically, I'm Junior Supervisor but they did place Charlie under me.
670
- Oh... - And you must be...
671
- Penelope Wood. - Penelope.
672
- Detective Penelope Wood. - Of course!
673
Charlie has told me a lot about you...
674
Did he say he has a little girl and that I brought her...
675
- Emily's here? - ... because there's no one at home?
676
Now, what happened, exactly?
677
Well, we were driving into town
678
and all of a sudden - bang!
679
We ran over this body here. There was nothing I could do to avoid her.
680
No one could have. I swear, she just popped out of nowhere.
681
- And you are? - Who, me? I'm Gus.
682
Gus Dickinson is my name. A co-worker of Charlie's.
683
- Who are you calling? - My deputy.
684
Aren't you gonna answer that?
685
Uh-uh! It's probably just my ex-boyfriend.
686
Freakin' stalker, you know?
687
Deputy Garmen, Detective Wood here. You need to report in immediately.
688
Detective Wood.
689
Where?
690
Shit!
691
- The Eye is at the station. - The what?
692
All right, I want you all to follow me down there. I'm gonna need your
statements.
693
Can't that wait till tomorrow? I'm sure it more productive
694
if we'd had a good night's sleep, right?
695
You might have mentioned that your wife was a detective.
696
Shut up.
697
Gus, you might have mentioned about not really owing alimony
698
to your imaginary wife and your imaginary daughter not really going blind.
699
700
Everyone, this is Special Agent Chester Hymes.
701
Well, can you beat this? My friends with the bodies in the trunk.
702
- What? - It's an inside joke!
703
We ran into each other earlier. How do you do?
704
- I'm ready. - Charlie, can you look after Emmy.
705
You two follow us.
706
- We're screwed! - Not if we keep out story straight.
707
We had a few beers at Gus's place, that's the end of it. Got it?
708
Got it.
709
Gus...
710
- We're screwed! - Oh, come on!
711
Do you think Agent Hippo is gonna figure out more
712
than where to find a really great buffet?
713
These abrasions on her knees and elbows
714
indicate a leap from a moving vehicle.
715
We can deduce that Mrs. Smalls' would-be killer
716
presupposed her already dead when she was transported by automobile.
717
Are you all right, Mr. Dickinson?
718
Er... yeah. This is the first dead body for me, so...
719
- And I drunk beers at my place. - Yeah.
720
Other than the axe wound, which, judging from the angle of entry,
721
came from a much shorter person, possibly a female,
722
nothing here indicates any sort of fisticuffs ever took place.
723
I can safely say that Mrs. Smalls' murderer can be found...
724
within this very room.
725
- What? - Oh! Just a figure of speech!
726
What I mean to say is her body will tell me who her killer is
727
after a more thorough examination.
728
However, I can hazard a name right now.
729
Please do.
730
I'm sure it will come as no surprise that her killer
731
is none other than...
732
...the Oregon Undertaker.
733
Well, we all could have figured that out, Agent Hymes.
734
Indeed.
735
Everything's gonna be OK, sweetie.
736
Hey! So, er... I guess I'll take Emily home.
737
Why don't you leave her here with me?
738
- Yah, but I can easily... - Goodnight.
739
Wait! You're not going anywhere, little lady!
740
Not without your coat.
741
- Would anyone care to say something? - Just take me home.
742
No way! We've got a dead cop to ditch first.
743
I don't care about the cop. I don't even care about the money anymore.
744
I just wanna go home and pretend this never happened.
745
Yeah, it hasn't exactly been a run-of-the-mill night on the town.
746
All I wanted was to take care of my family.
747
OK, Charlie, the sooner we dispose of the deputy's body,
748
the sooner you can get started on your pretend happily ever after.
749
Now how does that sound?
750
'You've reached Stu Garmen. Speak after the beep... '
751
Shit!
752
Come on, sweetheart. It's time to go home.
753
Oh, Charlie...
754
- You're sure he'll sink in there? - Absolutely!
755
- You've done this before? - Never.
756
Unrefined, unheated tar has a viscosity grade of 250,000.
757
So what does that mean? He won't sink?
758
He'll sink. It might take a week or so, but he'll sink.
759
Well... we better get started then.
760
Hold it!
761
You followed us.
762
I figured it would be more expedient than listening to bull pucky testimony.
763
I guess I was right, just like always.
764
- OK... - Listen...
765
Agent Hymes, you let us go and there's a million dollars with your name on it.
766
You're offering a Federal agent a bribe?
767
- Yeah. - Thanks, little lady.
768
Gus, come over here for a second, would you?
769
Tell me I'm fat!
770
I was joking!
771
I wanna hear you tell the fat guy how fat he is.
772
I was kidding, all right?
773
You might be a little on the heavy side
774
but it's nothing that a few centuries jogging can't fix!
775
- Argh! Sonofabitch! - I'm sorry, did that pinch?
776
All right, the official version is that Gus here attacked me during an arrest.
777
- And I was defending myself... - Stupid walrus... Argh!
778
The official version is that Gus tripped and fell on his face during the arrest.
779
OK, there's two million dollars in a bag in the car. It's all yours, just take
it.
780
Wow! Can you beat that? One million just became two million.
781
And people said this economy would never bounce back!
782
Argh!
783
- Shoot him in the fucking eye! - What? Shut up!
784
- Wait! - Don't move!
785
- I know who you are. - What?
786
I thought you looked familiar... Fellas, your accomplice is Lucy Bloom,
787
AKA Lucy McJoseph, AKA Josie McBroom.
788
- What are you talking about? - You're the Wyoming Widow.
789
What?
790
Gentlemen, the Wyoming Widow's MO is always the same.
791
She seduces an unsuspecting fellow, she fornicates with him
792
and then she offers up a little sip of whiskey.
793
The poor sucker never lives long enough to realize that he also just drank
794
highly concentrated thallium.
795
You've been watching too many soap operas, Agent Hymes!
796
You're not believing this crap, are you?
797
They say that she always keeps her trusty flask on her person,
798
just in case the next bug flies into her web.
799
Oh, come on! He's just making this crap up to save his ass!
800
I could have sworn I felt one inside of her coat pocket back at the station.
801
Empty your pockets, Josie.
802
Charlie...
803
Holy shit!
804
You planted this in my coat back at the station, didn't you?
805
No, I didn't. I swear to God!
806
This isn't mine.
807
- He is lying. He is lying! - Take a drink.
808
- Oh... - Take a sip, Josie.
809
There.
810
Are you ha...
811
- Josie? - Oh, my God!
812
Oh, God! Josie! Come on, spit it out!
813
- You are so pathetic! - That was not funny.
814
You dumb shits! I told you he was just trying to mess with us! Fuck! Fuck!
815
Jesus!
816
I think that belongs to Uncle Sam.
817
Now hold on. We're on the same side here, Chester.
818
I'm an agent too.
819
- When the hell did you take that off me? - Back at the station.
820
Listen, here's the thing, Gus -
821
there's a friend of mine, an agent, one of the best.
822
He's been protecting the innocent a long time now.
823
And, well...
824
he's gotten fed up with working his ass off
825
for ungrateful morons who call him fatty.
826
A pat on the back if things go right,
827
or the stars and stripes on his coffin if they don't.
828
It just doesn't cut it anymore.
829
I have two million here.
830
Believe when I say no one will ever claim it.
831
Tell your friend there's a million for him and a million for me.
832
What about two million for him and nothing for you.
833
Oh, come on, Chetty! We're partners here.
834
You insult me, Gus. You're not even a real criminal.
835
You're just a small-time crook
836
who got shot twice in the chest resisting arrest.
837
Listen, I have a daughter, Thais...
838
Thais. That's Greek for 'Beloved'.
839
- You shot me. - That's the first true thing you've said.
840
What took you so long?
841
Mummy...
842
It's all right, sweetheart. Go back to sleep.
843
Wait! You know I can't eat this much sugar.
844
You shouldn't do this.
845
- Like you shouldn't have killed Gus. - Keep eating.
846
Gus was a backstabber.
847
He told me he was gonna kill you and make off with the money.
848
That's why I killed him. I saved your life. I'm telling you the truth!
849
89.9 percent of all US Government agents can beat a lie detector.
850
Please... this isn't right, Charlie.
851
You know this isn't right.
852
- Your wife is an officer of the law. - Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
853
Oh, God.
854
I don't wanna die!
855
I don't wanna die...
856
Please... Oh...
857
- God, we really did it, huh? - What?
858
We really turned into monsters.
859
Oh, Charlie...
860
Oh, come on.
861
I say it was worth it.
862
Let's get the body in the car. It's heavy enough to sink.
863
Wait...
864
There's still one passenger missing.
865
You said you wanted to pretend none of this ever happened...
866
One sip of this... and you can kiss all your worries goodbye.
867
- The Wyoming Widow? - Yeah.
868
But I saw you drink it.
869
Never far from my trusty flasks!
870
- Brilliant. - Yeah!
871
After all, I was Miss Teen Wyoming.
872
Now, Obviously I can't let you go and risk having you report me
873
and, fuck, two million does sound a heck of a lot nicer than one million!
874
- You were right, Penny. - What's that?
875
Penelope always said money won't make you rich, I just...
876
I just didn't believe her.
877
You do seem like a genuinely decent guy, Charlie.
878
- I'm real sorry I gotta do this. - You don't have a choice, do you?
879
No, I don't. But you do.
880
You want me to shoot you or you want to go for the whiskey?
881
What did Hymes say you used?
882
Concentrated thallium. Much quicker than cyanide.
883
Any last words, Charlie?
884
Don't spend it all at one place.
885
What?
886
What? What?
887
What?
888
No! Oh!
889
What the fuck?
890
Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Fuck!
891
'Charlie, Penelope and Emily can't come to the phone.
892
'Please leave us a message. '
893
'This is a message for Charlie Wood. My name is Samuel Koenig,
894
'I'm Senior VP of Barstow Publishing Self Help Division here in Seattle.
895
'Listen, I'm calling in regards to this book you sent us,
896
"'Build A Better Brain And Beat The Big Nothing. "
897
'It seems to me like it's a no-brainer!
898
'Seriously, though, we have an offer for you.
899
'We think you'll be happy with it.
900
'Please call me back at your earliest convenience... '
901
- Hi. - Hi. Where you headed?
902
- As far away from here as possible. - That one we could do for you.
903
This must be my lucky day.
904
Er... let me just double-check something.
905
- All set. - All righty!
906
And... action.
907
Again.
908
Again.
909
And... again.
910
- Hi! - Ah!
911
Thank you.
912
- Argh! - I got him!
913
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
914
Whoa... Whoa! |
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