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CD
1
God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people
2
"for the Earth is filled with violence because of them.
3
"You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures
4
to keep them alive with you. "
5
In other words, life is hard,
6
so you better find someone who will be your partner.
7
Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's,
8
except Eliot's story takes place in Miami.
9
You just can't beat these when they're really fresh.
10
Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened,
11
because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it.
12
My name's Puggy, and I live in a tree.
13
I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.
14
Man: I look at this ad,
15
and it doesn't say "Fish Hook Ale" to me,
16
This sucks.
17
Bruce, what I'm trying to do -
18
Do you know what my business philosophy is?
19
No, Bruce, what is it?
20
My business philosophy
21
is that there a lot of people in the world.
22
That certainly isn't -
23
And all these people want something.
24
Do you know what they want?
25
Well, I -
26
They want to feel good. You know what I mean?
27
Yeah, well, I -
28
No, you don't know what I mean,
29
because I gave you the perfect concept,
30
which is not this piece of shit here!
31
What the hell is this?!
32
Why are you saying "ugly"?!
33
I don't want to see ugly!
34
That's not the feeling I want!
35
Bruce, W- What I'm doing here
36
is - is contrast in a humorous fashion.
37
"Get hooked on Fish Hook" - that's the concept!
38
You got a guy and a boat and a girl.
39
The girl's in a bikini, She has big tits,
40
They're on a boat, getting shitfaced, drinking Fish Hook Ale.
41
The girl has really big tits!
42
The feeling of this ad is somebody's going to get laid,
43
It's perfect. I gave you the perfect concept.
44
And you give me ugly?!
45
All right, all right, Bruce, I'll try -
46
No, no, Don't tell me "try, " I hate the word "try, "
47
"T ry" is for losers.
48
Listen to me, you are not the only ad agency in this town!
49
Eliot: A year ago, I had a nice house,
50
a beautiful wife, and a job I really loved.
51
Now I was being called a loser by this guy.
52
For 18 years, I wrote a column for The Miami Herald -
53
funny stories the higher-ups referred to as "offbeat. "
54
Deeber wants to see you.
55
Eliot: Because I'd won two Pulitzer Prizes for my offbeat stories,
56
I was pretty much left alone
57
and treated with a great deal of respect...
58
until Ken Deeber came.
59
- Eliot...
60
John Croton tells me you still haven't turned anything in
61
on the day-care crisis.
62
Yeah, Ken, listen, I figure with five people
63
already working on the day-care crisis story,
64
our readers pretty much know there's a crisis in day care.
65
- Eliot, you were given an assignment. - I know that,
66
The pelican story?
67
Right. No one else has it.
68
This old Cuban guy is training pelicans -
69
To drop bombs - the most asinine thing I ever heard.
70
Come on. He tried to kill Castro with a bird!
71
Eliot, I gave you an assignment, and you will do it,
72
Or what, Ken?
73
Well, if you want to continue working at this newspaper,
74
you will put something in here before you go home.
75
Why don't I put something in there right now?
76
Eliot: Deeber picked the wrong day to be a jerk.
77
Earlier that day, I had found out
78
my wife was having an affair with her tennis instructor.
79
In retrospect,
80
I should have written the day-care crisis piece
81
and never opened Eliot Arnold Advertising.
82
And if you think I'm gonna pay for this stupid shit,
83
you can forget it!
84
I'm not paying for ugly! I can get ugly for free!
85
It goes without saying, Bruce.
86
Eliot.
87
Dad, I need to borrow the Geo tonight.
88
Hello, Nigel. How's London?
89
Nigel?
90
Foggy.
91
Ah, could you hold on, Nigel, just for a moment?
92
This is a really important call - long-distance.
93
Listen, I want to see it tomorrow, and it better be right!
94
All right, Bruce. I think we got it, uh, well on its way!
95
- Good!
96
Hey, Matt, how you doing?
97
Dad, can w-we borrow the stupid Geo tonight or not?
98
Because me and Andrew have to kill a girl.
99
"Andrew and I have to kill a girl. "
100
Thank you,
101
Yes, you can borrow the Geo tonight,
102
but I need it back at my apartment at, uh, 10:30, okay?
103
- Okay, - And I want you to promise me that you'll drive -
104
...carefully.
105
Eliot: Matt wasn't mad at me because of the divorce.
106
He was mad because I bought a Geo.
107
Sweet little vehicle.
108
Just get divorced?
109
Ah, it doesn't matter.
110
42 miles to the gallon, am/fm radio.
111
I'll even throw in the undercoating.
112
Anything else you'd like to know?
113
Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?
114
Eliot: To Matt, the Geo was a 48-mile-per-gallon symbol
115
of my bad luck, wrong choices, and missed opportunities.
116
Little did I know that my shot at a second chance
117
had just arrived in Miami
118
onboard Flight 57 from New Orleans.
119
The suitcase was sandwiched between
120
a quarter-ton of frozen crawfish
121
and a dalmatian that gave birth to a litter of 17
122
over Lake Okeechobee.
123
The dalmatian made the evening news.
124
The suitcase didn't.
125
What is it?
126
It looks like a garbage disposal.
127
So this is Miami, huh?
128
They can keep it.
129
You got that right,
130
Eliot: That's a Remington 30-aught-6 hunting rifle
131
with a Bushnell scope.
132
Charlton Heston takes his to shoot bighorn elk.
133
Henry Desalvo and Leonard Ferroni
134
take theirs to shoot anyone,
135
as long as they're paid 25 grand apiece.
136
We play with a guy that cheats.
137
Eliot: Actually, Henry and Leonard didn't play golf at all.
138
Will you come on? We've got an early tee time.
139
Eliot: They were in Miami to kill a man named Arthur Herk,
140
who had stolen money from his employer.
141
Puggy arrived in Miami
142
the same day as the hit men and the suitcase,
143
but for a much different reason.
144
A week earlier, at his place in Boston,
145
Puggy read an article in Martha Stewart's Living
146
that said Miami had some of the finest Cuban restaurants
147
in the entire world.
148
Since Fritos were his favorite food
149
and corn chips as close to Cuban cuisine
150
as Puggy had ever eaten,
151
he decided to hop a fishing boat and check it out.
152
Puggy could not have been happier.
153
After only 20 minutes in Miami, Puggy was already thinking
154
that this had to be the warmest, friendliest place on Earth.
155
You stink.
156
Beer and a bag of Fritos.
157
Man on television: She ran track for 10 years.
158
Woman on television: She definitely has the legs...
159
Out,
160
I tell you once before, you two, out!
161
Look, man, we got money,
162
and we'll take however this much here will get us.
163
Ass-wipe.
164
Eliot: Snake Dupree and Eddie Leadbetter
165
had met two years earlier
166
at the state prison just outside Louisville.
167
They hit it off immediately, having similar tastes in humor.
168
Ass-wipe.
169
Man on television: You know,
170
I don't know how long she's been into strength conditioning.
171
But she's been into conditioning for a long time
172
because she ran track for 10.
173
Woman on television: Listen to the crowd. They are so into it.
174
Hey.
175
Hmm?
176
Is there a problem, chief?
177
Give me that back.
178
- Uh!
179
Ugh!
180
Sh-
181
Oh.
182
Ohh!
183
Look, man, this ain't your problem,
184
You are problem.
185
Out.
186
He broke my ankle.
187
- I break your head. - I'm going,
188
Next time I see you again...
189
you're dead.
190
Out!
191
Out.
192
You can stay.
193
They took all my money.
194
It's okay,
195
Free beer.
196
Aluminum, huh?
197
We sponsor girls' softball team.
198
You want to make $5?
199
That too.
200
Is not for us.
201
Package deal - suitcase or nothing.
202
Lay it down gentle so as not to fall,
203
Strong.
204
Come back tomorrow 1:00.
205
Maybe I have more job for you.
206
Eliot: After only one day in Miami,
207
Puggy had a more satisfying career
208
and lived in a better neighborhood than I did.
209
Sound system sucks.
210
Why'd your dad buy a Geo?
211
He thinks he's a loser, so he bought a loser car.
212
Besides, he's a dork.
213
Super Soaker 600 holds a gallon of water,
214
accurate up to 50 feet.
215
So, what's the plan - through the front?
216
Yeah. "It's Matt Arnold.
217
I'm here to kill your daughter, Jenny. "
218
No, we gotta go over the wall, dickweed.
219
I just hope she doesn't see this stupid turdmobile.
220
Martha Stewart: Spread it out on your bed...
221
Where's Arthur?
222
I haven't seen him since his third scotch.
223
...These corners are in the inside corners,
224
And there,
225
A rather clumsy task is accomplished in no time.
226
It's a good thing,
227
T alk to me, Martha.
228
Good night, Nina.
229
- I was wondering if you'd like a drink,
230
Something with tequila?
231
Eliot: Arthur Herk - one of the few Floridians
232
who was not confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.
233
No, thank you, Mr. Herk.
234
I'm very tired tonight.
235
Of course you are, because you work so hard,
236
you're on your feet all day.
237
A woman's feet are very important.
238
Let's have a foot massage.
239
But, Mr. Herk, Mrs. Anna -
240
Oh, it's okay. She's watching television.
241
And I'm not gonna tell her that I was here,
242
and you're not going to tell her either,
243
are you, Nina?
244
Oh.
245
Your strong, sturdy ankles,
246
your proud peasant arches.
247
Nina...
248
let me clean your toes with my tongue.
249
Ahhh.
250
Mmmm.
251
Grr.
252
Unh-unh.
253
Hu-hu-hu-hu.
254
Ohh!
255
Nina!
256
Nina!
257
Nina! Nina...
258
Come out of there. This is my house.
259
You work for me, and I want to suck your toes.
260
Hope they don't have a dog.
261
Eliot: As it happens, the Herks did have a dog.
262
His name was Roger, and he was the random result
263
of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex.
264
For the past three months, Roger had eaten nothing but dirt.
265
That was when the most evil being in the universe
266
entered his life.
267
Under the influence of the toad's hallucinogenic chemicals,
268
Roger thought his furry butt was a 24-ounce porterhouse.
269
...Nice cut of meat.
270
And notice how it is nice and thick all along up till about here,
271
and then it kind of tapers off,
272
She looks like she has nice feet.
273
What are you watching her cook for, anyway?
274
All you know how to make are reservations.
275
Good one, Arthur.
276
What?
277
Leave her alone.
278
Whoa-ho!
279
I'm gonna see what else is on.
280
They have a dog.
281
Hope they don't have a dog.
282
They have a dog.
283
Come on. Get outta here, you mangy...
284
That's our guy,
285
Kill him now, we make the 11:40 back to Newark,
286
I can't. He's too close to the women.
287
Yeah, you don't shoot him soon,
288
I'm dead from these mosquitoes.
289
Look at this thing. He's the size of a Buick.
290
- She. - She what?
291
The mosquito is a she.
292
How the hell can you tell that?
293
Discovery Channel.
294
Only the female mosquito sucks your blood.
295
Sounds like my ex-wife.
296
Bitch.
297
- # We're gonna do it # - Ha ha.
298
# Give us any chance, we'll take it... #
299
I'm going to my room where it's not so -
300
I don't know - stupid.
301
Good night, mom,
302
Aw, good night, honey,
303
I think I'll let Roger in and go to bed, too.
304
Here we go.
305
Roger!
306
I'll witness from here in case her dad shoots us.
307
With what, the remote control?
308
This is Miami. He has a gun.
309
We got an interloper.
310
Not a problem,
311
- Good night,
312
Hey, Jenny!
313
- Aaahhh! - Ohh!
314
Aaahhh!
315
You son of a bitch!
316
You leave her alone!
317
Aaaah!
318
Nina!
319
- Aahhh! - Wuh!
320
- Whuuhh!
321
Shit.
322
Uh!
323
- Ah. - Ugh!
324
- Leonard?
325
Leonard?
326
Uh. Oh.
327
I don't want any trouble.
328
Me neither.
329
It was a gift from the wife.
330
You don't want to be holding that when the police get here,
331
Up.
332
- Uhh!
333
I'll go around back.
334
Got it.
335
You son of a bitch!
336
Freeze! Everybody, hold it!
337
Son of a bitch!
338
Hey, hey, hey!
339
Stop it!
340
Slowly.
341
Freeze!
342
It's all right, Walter,
343
What happened?
344
- This person tried to kill us. - No,
345
No. It's me. It's Matt Arnold. I'm in her Biology class.
346
It was a squirt gun,
347
It's a squirt gun.
348
Oh, shit,
349
We have this game at school - "Killer. "
350
You get somebody's name, and you're supposed to squirt them.
351
In their house at night? What kind of a game is that?
352
It's about time you putzes got here.
353
- And your name is? - This is my house,
354
Good for you, Your name is?
355
Arthur Herk. I know the mayor.
356
What took you people so goddamn long?
357
We came as soon as we got the call, sir.
358
My TV.
359
He broke my TV,
360
You son of a bitch!
361
I'm gonna make you pay for that, and you're gonna go to jail!
362
- It was a squirt gun, sir. - What?!
363
Squirt - squirt gun.
364
It's a good thing you ran away, Arthur,
365
You might have gotten wet.
366
Shut up!
367
Monica: Easy,
368
Don't tell me easy! This is my goddamn house!
369
And these are my handcuffs, and if you don't take it easy,
370
you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house.
371
That's right, sir.
372
Okay.
373
One at a time, starting with Mr. Killer over here.
374
What happened?
375
Me and Andrew were outside.
376
- "Andrew and I." - Thank you,
377
Who's Andrew?
378
Nobody.
379
Andrew's nobody.
380
So you were outside
381
with a squirt gun and an imaginary friend?
382
Yeah.
383
Okay, So you and your imaginary friend are outside,
384
- Then what happens?
385
Officer Kramitz, would you please go see who that is?
386
You'll be okay?
387
Coming!
388
Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door,
389
and I came running up to squirt her.
390
And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me -
391
or jumped on me.
392
And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny -
393
or I f-fell on Jenny,
394
This guy says that his son is here.
395
I'm Eliot Arnold.
396
I got a call from Andrew. You all right, Matt?
397
Yeah.
398
Andrew the imaginary friend?
399
Arthur: Yeah, well, you better have a good lawyer,
400
because your dumb-ass son broke my TV.
401
That's an RCA 39-inch horizontal!
402
35-inch diagonal.
403
Could somebody just tell me what happened?
404
I was trying to sh- squirt Jenny,
405
and her mom jumped me.
406
Jesus, Matt.
407
Look, I'm sorry
408
that my kid squirted your daughter.
409
I- I mean, I'm - that he - that he got her wet.
410
I mean, the way he described it,
411
I thought it was just a game.
412
Hey, kids - you know.
413
Yeah? Well, your jerk-off kid is going to jail,
414
Monica, take a look at this.
415
Who shot the TV?
416
Shot it? Nobody shot it,
417
Well, this is a bullet.
418
Monica: Wait a minute,
419
Matt, when you and your imaginary friend were outside,
420
- did you see anyone else? - No.
421
Mrs. Herk, do you live here with anyone
422
besides your husband and your daughter?
423
Well, there's...
424
Where's Nina?
425
Jesus.
426
Puggy.
427
Anna: Nina?!
428
My God, the woman of the house.
429
I have to go.
430
Nina? That's you?
431
What's your name?
432
Puggy.
433
Nina!
434
I don't think they know I live here.
435
I won't tell.
436
There was another shooter.
437
Man: What do you mean?
438
What do I mean?
439
What do you mean, what do I mean?
440
I mean there was another shooter, is what I mean.
441
So, did you take care of the job or not?
442
Not.
443
Well, did the other shooter take care of it?
444
Hold on a second.
445
- Not right now, okay?
446
It's cool, man.
447
Hello?!
448
Yeah, I'm here.
449
We want this job finished as soon as possible,
450
You got that right.
451
I'll tell you who did it.
452
It's probably some goddamn kids.
453
'Cause these goddamn kids today -
454
they all got goddamn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!
455
Any additional insights, Mr. Herk?
456
Any information can help us to protect you.
457
I seriously doubt that you or any other member of the police force in this town
458
could protect their own dicks with both hands.
459
Thank you for that observation,
460
I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt,
461
unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.
462
Hey - kids.
463
I want to press charges! Cuff him!
464
My hands are kind of full right now,
465
what with holding my dick and all.
466
This "Killer" thing's really stupid, Matt.
467
Yes, ma'am.
468
Good - now you and your shithead kid
469
can get the hell out of here and never come back,
470
Thanks for everything.
471
I'll walk you out.
472
Go get the Geo, will you, Matt?
473
You have a Geo?
474
A Metro, the LDl coupe, or the hatchback?
475
My biological father sells them in Tulsa.
476
If the salesman tried to pitch you on free undercoating, it's total bullshit.
477
They fall apart before they rust.
478
60%%% of the parts are made from recycled plastic soda bottles.
479
It's true,
480
Listen, I'm sorry my husband's such an idiot.
481
He's probably really upset because someone shot his TV.
482
No, he's an idiot.
483
Do you think someone's trying to kill him?
484
God, I hope so.
485
What does a guy like Arthur do for a living?
486
He's an executive at Penultra Corporation.
487
I did an article on them once.
488
They built the jail downtown where the plumbing doesn't work.
489
I called it "Crapital Punishment. "
490
Eliot Arnold from The Herald?
491
I used to read your column.
492
You were so funny. What happened?
493
I lost my sense of humor in the divorce.
494
How does a guy like Arthur
495
end up with someone like you?
496
I married him when Jenny was little.
497
My first husband left us kind of early,
498
and we had to move to this crappy little apartment.
499
And I met Arthur, He was different then,
500
I keep looking up divorce lawyers in the phone book,
501
but then I think about that horrible apartment.
502
It's unavailable. I live there.
503
Can I borrow this?
504
I'm totally into The Seminal Fluids.
505
Arthur threw mine out at the carwash.
506
He doesn't think it's music
507
unless somebody's playing an accordion.
508
I'll drive.
509
I say we blame the whole evening
510
on rap music and too much violence on television.
511
You could yell at me if it'd make you feel more dad-like.
512
I don't want to yell at you,
513
Why don't we talk?
514
You and I - let's just talk.
515
Come on,
516
Okay. Mom wanted me to remind you
517
that the alimony check is due Monday.
518
See?
519
That wasn't so hard.
520
Look, Matt -
521
Dad, I messed up tonight. Everybody messes up.
522
You know that better than anybody,
523
So all I'm saying is
524
I don't think I need any fatherly advice from you
525
about how to live my life
526
when you're not doing such a hot job living yours,
527
Hey, we're talking.
528
Okay. Now it's my turn.
529
Up yours, you little shithead.
530
Your turn.
531
Puggy.
532
Puggy,
533
I bring you some lunch.
534
Listen... I love you.
535
You see? You see the difference?
536
You ask a guy what he wants -
537
tits or an ugly fish - see what he tells you.
538
- Probably... - Tits! I gotta boogie.
539
Hey, she should be leaning over
540
for maximum exposure.
541
Maximum exposure...
542
Anna: Maximum exposure?
543
That's advertising terminology,
544
Oh, I see.
545
T o what do I owe this pleasure?
546
Uh, did you happen to lose
547
a pair of reading glasses last night?
548
I don't wear glasses.
549
Oh, well, then, I guess I made the trip for nothing.
550
Nonsense. I'll need them one day - not right this minute.
551
Well, things change. I'll need them.
552
Um, hey, could I offer you some coffee?
553
That would be wonderful.
554
It's more of a dare than an offer, actually,
555
Did the police find anything?
556
Well, after meeting Arthur,
557
they figure I'm the primary suspect.
558
So...
559
How do you, uh... like it?
560
Oh, light and... sweet.
561
Mmm.
562
Oh.
563
Mmm.
564
Mmm!
565
Uh. Mm. Oh!
566
# Where are you, where are you, Yolanda? #
567
# What happened, what happened, Yolanda? #
568
# I searched for you, I searched for you, Yolanda #
569
# You're not there #
570
I forgot my jacket.
571
Got room for a third?
572
No harm in asking.
573
Mm.
574
I hope I didn't hurt you.
575
No, no, that's -
576
Didn't know I was, um - well, we should go.
577
Let's - let's, uh...
578
Yeah. It's probably a good idea.
579
You should go.
580
Mmm.
581
Eliot: Later that day,
582
Arthur Herk stopped by to have a friendly chat with his boss.
583
Morning, douche bag.
584
Arthur?
585
Jesus. What happened to your hair?
586
It's a wig, you moron. Don't act stupid.
587
I know you know what's going on.
588
Those dickwads upstairs are trying to have me whacked!
589
Hey, hey, first of all, those decisions are made way over my head.
590
And secondly, you stole money from them, Arthur!
591
What do you expect them to do?!
592
Look, bitch, you take that express elevator upstairs to the top floor,
593
and you tell those sugar-cane-sucking scumbags to lay off,
594
or I'm gonna blow the lid on this whole operation!
595
You're putting me in a very awkward position.
596
No, no, no. No, no, no. No. No.
597
An awkward position is what you're going to be in
598
when the FBl is shining a proctoscope up your big, fat ass!
599
I have evidence, and I'll use it!
600
Eliot: He didn't have evidence,
601
but he knew where he could get some.
602
And that made Arthur Herk a very dangerous man.
603
Arthur may not have been a genius,
604
but he did know that the bullet that went through Xena's head
605
was meant for his,
606
Penultra Construction had arranged for the hit when they discovered
607
Arthur had been skimming money from the company.
608
Up until yesterday, Arthur Herk had been their bagman.
609
Gentlemen... we have a problem.
610
Can I get personal?
611
Oh, now you're asking?
612
Your daughter really likes you.
613
Yeah. We have a pretty good relationship.
614
The divorce, Arthur - she doesn't throw any of that in your face?
615
Oh, I told Jenny a long time ago that I wasn't perfect.
616
She tried to accept my mistakes,
617
and I try to accept hers.
618
Sounds simple.
619
Well, I mean, it wasn't that simple
620
when she came home with a scorpion tattooed on her butt.
621
Matt hates me.
622
He basically thinks I'm a loser.
623
He called me a loser, so I called him a shithead.
624
If we had bad teeth, we could go on "Jerry Springer. "
625
So, what you're telling me is that her mom beat you up?
626
Well, she's in pretty good shape, man.
627
I mean, she could snap you like a toothpick,
628
Hey.
629
Hi.
630
You - don't stare at my boobs.
631
So, did they give you points for the kill?
632
No, they said it didn't count.
633
Well, I know this won't end till it ends,
634
so I'd like to get this over with.
635
You can squirt me tonight over at Bayside.
636
I'll be outside The Gap at around 8:00, okay?
637
Okay.
638
And you - don't look at my ass when I walk away.
639
I can't make that promise.
640
Whoa,
641
"You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside. "
642
You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.
643
- You looking at her ass? - Yeah.
644
There's some things I'd like to know.
645
For instance, who's the guy running around with the rifle?
646
And who in the hell is the guy jumping on me from out of a tree?
647
What guy in a tree?
648
That's what I'm wondering.
649
Look, you brought us down here
650
to do a simple job - in, out, bing, bang.
651
All of a sudden, I got Geronimo running into the house
652
and Tarzan landing on my coconut.
653
Your primary concern is to finish this job
654
before a certain party shoots his mouth off.
655
Excuse me.
656
Nice.
657
Gentlemen, would you mind putting out your cigars, please?
658
- Come again? - I asked...
659
Would you mind putting out your cigars, please?
660
As a matter of fact, I would mind.
661
Well, you see, the reason I ask - all due respect -
662
I got a great New York strip sitting over there,
663
cost me $27 and change,
664
and it tastes like I'm eating a cigar.
665
Listen, ace, number one, you're eating a steak
666
at a place called Joe's Stone Crab.
667
And number two,
668
there's no rule that says we can't smoke.
669
Well, number one, my name is not Ace.
670
And number two, I'm not talking about rules here.
671
I'm talking about manners,
672
You see, there is no rule
673
that says I can't come over here
674
and fart on your entree,
675
but I don't do it,
676
Why? Because it's not good manners.
677
So I ask you again in the nicest possible way
678
to please put out the cigars, okay?
679
- Aahhh!
680
Thank you.
681
I hope you realize you've just committed assault.
682
I know, I know - you know, I remember a time
683
was you actually had to hit somebody.
684
You go tell your employer
685
it's gonna cost him another 10 G's apiece.
686
Okay,
687
But we want this finished as soon as possible.
688
Well, believe me, we don't want to spend
689
any more time in this garden spot than we have to.
690
Got that right.
691
Whoa, Look at those wheels,
692
Douche bag's probably some kind of drug kingpin.
693
Bet he's got a helicopter and a big-ass boat
694
and a pad down in the Bahamas like a tax shelter.
695
Stayed in one of them shelters once. Didn't like it much.
696
I'm tired of living foot to mouth,
697
Let's go to The Jackal.
698
There's something I want to do.
699
I don't want to mess with that bartender
700
and his baseball bat.
701
Man on television:... In the lightweight division.
702
Heather is from Woodland Hills, California.
703
What do you see right away?
704
Man #2 on television: She's got very good balance.
705
She's got good muscularity.
706
She's going through a routine right now.
707
Hello, Mr, Herk,
708
Something to drink?
709
I need a missile.
710
This for you? This is personal missile?
711
What the flying shit do you care?
712
Usually you drop money,
713
somebody else pick up equipment.
714
What, are you keeping a diary?
715
You got a goddamn missile or not?
716
Right now, do not have missile.
717
Missile wery hard to get.
718
Well, I want you to try
719
wery goddamn hard to get a missile.
720
You got me, comrade?
721
- You pay?
722
$10,000.
723
Maybe I have item for you.
724
What the hell is that?
725
Bomb.
726
Looks like a garbage disposal.
727
Is big bomb. Take a look.
728
Okay.
729
I'm not long for this place,
730
My brother's working security at the airport.
731
Big time.
732
Oh, yeah. Check this out.
733
Well, we're not supposed to carry guns.
734
Well, we're not supposed to drink on the job either.
735
All right. Let's reconnoiter back here at 2100 hours.
736
10:00.
737
# I can feel it coming in the air tonight #
738
# Oh, Lord #
739
Man on radio: Just one brave Gator fan to call.
740
Where are the Gator fans now?
741
All you Gator fans call when you win.
742
But now that you lose, you don't have the guts to call in.
743
I'm waiting for one, just one...
744
What the hell are Gators?
745
Football - college.
746
- Morons. - Mm-hmm.
747
Man #2 on radio: I'm a Gator fan, and I'm calling.
748
And what do you have to say?
749
Well, you said we don't have the guts to call,
750
and I'm calling.
751
That's it? You're calling to say you're calling?
752
This town gives me a headache,
753
Why do you think he'd come here, a guy like that?
754
Good job, nice house, plenty of cheese.
755
What - what's he doing in a shithole like this?
756
Maybe it's Happy Hour.
757
I might as well have a bucket over my head.
758
Keep walking. Don't do nothing stupid in there.
759
As far as I'm concerned, this whole idea is stupid.
760
I think we got Gator fans.
761
Is that a squirt gun in your pocket,
762
or were you happy to see me?
763
So, where are we gonna do this?
764
We don't want to make a scene, like last time.
765
Well, there's a parking lot behind the drugstore.
766
Sounds like a good place to die.
767
Maybe you could buy me some lip gloss afterwards.
768
Are you staring at her ass?
769
You're not?
770
Whip out your pistol, cowboy.
771
Where do you want me to shoot you?
772
Why don't you shoot her in the crotch?
773
You could be like a couple.
774
This is a friend of yours?
775
How about I just shoot you on your hand?
776
My first hand job.
777
- Freeze!
778
Aaah!
779
- Move, move, move! - Who's shooting?
780
Andrew, come on!
781
- Come on, Andrew!
782
- Uhh!
783
Holy shit. Oh, shit.
784
- Holy shit,
785
Aah!
786
Eliot: At that very moment, Officers Romero and Kramitz
787
were headed westbound on Biscayne Boulevard.
788
Three months earlier,
789
they had been involved in a scuffle with a crack dealer
790
at the very intersection they were now passing through.
791
Romero's shirt had been torn open in the altercation,
792
revealing a red bustier
793
from the Victoria's Secret's "Desire" collection.
794
Kramitz had never gotten it out of his mind.
795
So, I was thinking maybe you and me could get together sometime.
796
Walter, do you want to have sex with me?
797
Eliot: Walter couldn't believe it.
798
Had he somehow found the wormhole in the universe
799
that guys have been seeking for eons -
800
the wormhole that would allow him
801
to bypass all the talking and talking and talking
802
and just do it?
803
Walter thought hard
804
about how he would phrase his response to Monica's question.
805
Yeah.
806
Well, I don't want to have sex with you,
807
You're a married man.
808
Yeah, but not happily.
809
- Man with a gun,
810
Police! Put the gun down right now!
811
It's not my gun. Some guy -
812
Put down the gun!
813
I'm a very good student.
814
- Shut up, punk. - Officer Kramitz,
815
he looks about as menacing as a Backstreet Boy,
816
Can I talk to him for a second?
817
What's your name?
818
Andrew Ryan.
819
Andrew Ryan, what are you doing with a gun?
820
Some weird guy was shooting at us,
821
He dropped it, and I picked it up and ran.
822
Who's "us"?
823
My friends - Matt and Jenny.
824
Police! Police!
825
That's correct. We are the police.
826
Jack Pendick, Big Sky Security.
827
There was a girl in the parking lot,
828
and they were gonna shoot her with a gun.
829
Hmm. Let me guess - a squirt gun, right?
830
Yeah.
831
Mr, Pendick, does this firearm belong to you?
832
Yes.
833
No.
834
Have you been drinking tonight, Mr. Pendick?
835
Absolutely not.
836
Monica: Go get him, Walter,
837
Stick 'em up.
838
Remember me?
839
No.
840
Ugh!
841
I ain't done with you yet,
842
Open the cash register.
843
Reach for that baseball bat, and I blow your head off,
844
Okay, Eddie, go get it,
845
Woman on television: ... A little bit too much.
846
The choreography is starting to lag. There you go.
847
Get the big bills first,
848
Which big bills?
849
This one or the other one?
850
- Where's the money? - I have money,
851
$18?!
852
What kind of bar is this?
853
Business very bad.
854
Is bad location.
855
Snake, check it out. It's the kingpin with the Fag Jag.
856
You - give me your watch.
857
Oh... nice.
858
All right. Now give me your wallet.
859
What's in there?
860
A bomb.
861
- Right. - No, it's a bomb,
862
These guys are Russians, and they sell bombs.
863
- Bombs? No bombs. Is bar. - Is bar.
864
Hey, Eddie open the suitcase,
865
What if it is a bomb?
866
Well, then you'll get blown up, and nobody will miss you.
867
Open it.
868
Looks like a garbage disposal.
869
Nah, it's a time-lock safe thing.
870
Probably got drugs or emeralds in it.
871
Snake, let's get the hell out of here.
872
I think I hear one of them silent alarms.
873
Are your wheels outside? Give me the keys.
874
All right, latch up the suitcase.
875
We're going for a ride. Kingpin's coming with us.
876
No, no, no, you don't want me. You don't want me.
877
You want these guys, These guys are Russians,
878
- They have missiles. There's - - Shut up, asshole!
879
Snake, I think we done pretty good.
880
Why don't we just call it a day?
881
We got an opportunity here, Eddie.
882
Now, maybe you don't see it, but I do.
883
And that's why I'm me, and you're you.
884
This guy's probably got lots of cool shit back at his place.
885
So that's where we're going, and we're taking this with us.
886
I bet it's pure 14-karat gold in there.
887
It's heavy.
888
Snake: Pick it up,
889
- You...
890
Get back around here with your friend,
891
That'll teach you to hit people with baseball bats.
892
Sit down!
893
If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave,
894
the next bullet goes through your head.
895
Let's go!
896
Kingpin!
897
...Gator fans.
898
And the Japanese doctor says,
899
"Lady, you have Ed Zachary disease. "
900
And the lady goes,
901
"Oh, no, Ed Zachary disease. What does it mean?"
902
And the doctor says,
903
"It mean your face look Ed Zachary like your ass. "
904
Get it?
905
"Your - your face look Ed Zachary like your ass. "
906
Ooh!
907
Who thinks this shit up, huh?
908
Man: The point is that all these Gators ever do is talk trash.
909
Then when they lose, you don't hear a peep out of them.
910
Man #2: Well, I'm a Gator fan, and I'm talking to you right now.
911
So what's your problem?
912
You said we don't have the guts to call, and I'm call-
913
These guys need a hobby.
914
There's our guy.
915
And I believe that's Tarzan,
916
Where do you think they're going - our boy's house?
917
"Ed Zachary. "
918
Officer.
919
Officer, what's going on?
920
Well, we had a little shooting,
921
but we got it under control, Miss...
922
Weintraub - Heather Weintraub.
923
Pretty name.
924
I want to talk to your two friends. Any idea where they are?
925
They probably went back to Jenny's house.
926
Officer Kramitz!
927
10-4.
928
Well, we gotta take care of something.
929
Official business. Code seven.
930
See you later.
931
Let's move! Nothing to see here!
932
Let's go!
933
You ready to roll?
934
Let me drive, okay?
935
The house where the TV got shot.
936
Didn't we do this last night?
937
Mm-hmm. They're in the living room.
938
Strip poker. Strip poker - now, that's a good game.
939
This is a stupid game.
940
Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.
941
You could've been killed.
942
And where's your partner in crime?
943
- Andrew? - He ran the other way.
944
Did anybody call the police?
945
Anna: I'm making coffee, Do you want some?
946
I'll call the police.
947
New TV?
948
Arthur bought it this afternoon.
949
God forbid he should miss "Xena: Warrior Princess. "
950
If we don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how.
951
Let's do it.
952
Well, I suppose you're right. Technically, it's not an emergency, but -
953
Woman: Please hold and your call will be...
954
The police just put me on hold.
955
I, uh, met with a divorce attorney today.
956
Jenny?
957
Those kids won't be happy till they get arrested.
958
Hi. We're friends of Arthur's.
959
Hello. Hello! Hello!
960
Woman: Your call is very important...
961
Everybody shut up!
962
Unless you wanna get shot where the sun don't shine.
963
Don't think I don't know where that is either!
964
- Ugh!
965
A shot.
966
Maybe the pantyhose gang beat us to the draw.
967
- Again with the TV. - Shut up,
968
T ake that stupid thing off your head.
969
Yeah, nice place.
970
What are you, Martha Stewart?
971
Make yourself useful and tie everybody up.
972
With what?
973
Woman: 911 operator, - This is Eliot Arnold.
974
This.
975
Well, I can only do a slipknot, a double knot, and a -
976
What do you call it? The bowman.
977
What do you want?
978
You going for eagle scout? Tie 'em up.
979
Baptist church two blocks over.
980
FBl Agent Pat Greer. Alan Seitz.
981
How can I help FBl?
982
Well, you can tell FBl where the suitcase is, Ivan.
983
- My name is John. - Sure it is,
984
Your name is John, and you're just a hardworking,
985
law-abiding, small immigrant businessman,
986
running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.
987
- Bad location. - Yes, it is,
988
I'd like to take a look around the back room right there,
989
the one with all the locks.
990
You have warrant?
991
Ain't that heartwarming?
992
You know, the way a man can come here from another country,
993
and in just a short time here in America,
994
he has embraced our way of living to the point
995
where he wants to know if we got a warrant,
996
Don't that just warm the cockles of your heart, Agent Seitz?
997
It warms the shit out of my cockles.
998
My cockles are burning,
999
We don't need a warrant,
1000
You see, we're operating under -
1001
What's that thing called we're operating under again, Agent Seitz?
1002
Special Executive Order 768-04.
1003
That's it - Special Executive Order 768-04, which basically means that,
1004
if it's a matter of national security,
1005
we can send a search party and a Doberman pinscher up your ass.
1006
I want lawyer.
1007
Did you hear that, Agent Seitz?
1008
He want lawyer.
1009
As is his right under our Constitution,
1010
which we hold sacred.
1011
Want me to shoot him in the forehead?
1012
- Yeah, go ahead.
1013
Just playing. Come here.
1014
My partner wants to shoot you in the forehead,
1015
which I have absolutely no doubt that he can legally do
1016
under Special Executive Order 768-
1017
- Dash 04. - Dash 04.
1018
Now, me, I'm thinking, wouldn't it be better
1019
if you just reached into your pocket, got the keys,
1020
and showed me around that back room -
1021
the one with all the locks.
1022
- Yes? - Hi, Mrs. Herk.
1023
Do you mind if we talk to Jenny
1024
about something that happened at Bayside tonight?
1025
She's not in trouble, but it's important that we talk to her.
1026
- Oh, Jenny's not here. - Do you mind if we come in for a minute?
1027
No, no. I- I mean, yes, I mind.
1028
- I mean - - Monica.
1029
What do we have here? If it ain't a Dick and a Dickless Tracy.
1030
You're making a big mistake.
1031
Story of my life.
1032
What's happening?
1033
Well, moron number one is tying up the family.
1034
So take the shot,
1035
Well, I would, but moron number two just came back
1036
with a couple of Miami's finest,
1037
- Hold on. Hold it a second.
1038
We have a "Die Hard" situation developing in the kitchen,
1039
- What? - There's a guy there in the kitchen.
1040
A guy? What - what's he doing?
1041
Well, my guess is he's either gonna whack 'em
1042
with a rolling pin or he's gonna bake 'em a cake,
1043
It could go either way with this crew.
1044
Holy shit!
1045
Betty Crocker's got a squirt gun,
1046
Let me look,
1047
Forget about it. This is better than Pay-Per-View.
1048
There goes the warranty,
1049
and here comes The Iron Chef.
1050
One wrong move, and you'll be crapping lead for a week.
1051
Snake.
1052
- Who are you? - You talking to me?
1053
- Uh-huh. - I'm your worst nightmare,
1054
I want you to lower the gun and get the hell out of here.
1055
Otherwise, I bust a cap and drop this loser.
1056
I ain't going nowhere without that kingpin's suitcase.
1057
Take it.
1058
On second thought, why don't you just waste him?
1059
Better yet, I'll do it for you.
1060
Moron number two just got moron number one all wet.
1061
Gimme. I- I ain't never seen that.
1062
They got enough stuff back there to fight a war in North Korea,
1063
but no suitcase, and Ivan here doesn't seem to know
1064
what suitcase I'm talking about.
1065
Ivan, I know what you're thinking,
1066
You're thinking you can use the suitcase as a bargaining chip.
1067
You tell us where it is, we go easy on you.
1068
I- I bet that's what you're thinking.
1069
Isn't it, Ivan?
1070
- Oy!
1071
Ugh!
1072
Don't be a baby, Ivan. It's just your foot.
1073
It's what we at the bureau call an extremity shot.
1074
Generally, the victim survives.
1075
They don't do so good with what we call a torso shot.
1076
What you think, Ivan?
1077
You want to experience a torso shot?
1078
I tell you who has suitcase.
1079
- I'd get a bolt lock for this.
1080
There's some really bad people out there.
1081
We're out of phone cord. What about him?
1082
Snake: He's coming with us,
1083
- So is she. - No!
1084
- Where are we going? - The Bahamas,
1085
I hear they go pretty easy on kingpins in the Bahamas.
1086
- Ugh!
1087
Money.
1088
Excuse me?
1089
There's 5 grand in my pocket!
1090
Okay.
1091
- Ah,
1092
Kingpins ain't so tough.
1093
What you driving?
1094
Chevy Caprice with a 354 barrel and positraction.
1095
Not bad.
1096
Keys.
1097
I'm not getting into that Fag Jag again.
1098
It's built by Ford now.
1099
Okay,
1100
Let's go.
1101
Eddie.
1102
Yeah?
1103
Eddie, you drive.
1104
Britney Spears, in the back.
1105
Eddie...
1106
Let's go.
1107
Moses, you're flying coach.
1108
Got enough leg room?
1109
Buckle up, ma'am.
1110
Let's go.
1111
I ain't never drove one of these before.
1112
It ain't a spaceship, asshole. Drive.
1113
The gate.
1114
No shit. Back up slow. It'll open.
1115
You got the brake on, asshole.
1116
Don't call me...
1117
...Asshole!
1118
- Mrs. Anna!
1119
Nina! They took Jenny!
1120
Quick, quick! Come on.
1121
Here - grab this. You don't wanna push - pull.
1122
I'm going after them.
1123
Okay, I'm going with you!
1124
Yeah, me too.
1125
I love Puggy!
1126
Hey, wait.
1127
Hey -
1128
Wh-
1129
Wait for me! I'm the police!
1130
Monica, you got to get yourself loose.
1131
Call Dispatch. Tell them to get somebody out to the airport.
1132
- I'll handle this. - Walter!
1133
Oh,
1134
If you remember, call that number.
1135
Tell a Miss Heather Weintraub I might be late.
1136
- Walter! - Walter!
1137
That boy leads an interesting life, don't he?
1138
What are you doing'? He's attached to the cop,
1139
That copper can't do anything to us cuffed to that shelving unit,
1140
Even though that shelf is brass, it's not the cheap stuff.
1141
All the phone lines are cut. We gotta get outside and yell for the neighbors.
1142
- Help me. You can't make me!
1143
Help me or I will crush you like a goddamn bug.
1144
Just take the shot and let's get the hell to the airport.
1145
You got it, The longer we stay down here, the weirder it gets,
1146
You got that right - Weirdsville, USA.
1147
- Damn! - What the hell are you doing?
1148
On three, we're gonna smash this thing through the door.
1149
Like shit, we are!
1150
One, two...
1151
That's glass, you moron. You're gonna get us killed!
1152
- ... Three! - No! No! No, no, no!
1153
Aaaah!
1154
- Did you get him? - I think so. He went down.
1155
- Cop went down, too. - Goddamn dog.
1156
Weirdsville, USA.
1157
You got that right.
1158
Get up!
1159
Ugh! Ugh! It got my face!
1160
It got my face!
1161
We can get some help if we can get this thing up,
1162
You okay there, officer?
1163
Who are you?
1164
Pat Greer. Alan Seitz. Herk?
1165
Yeah, that's Herk.
1166
Can you uncuff me?
1167
Not now. Mr. Herk, I'm with the FBl.
1168
I need to know where that suitcase is.
1169
Oh, my God, she's coming to get me!
1170
- The dog, Mr. Herk? - No, her!
1171
- Who? - You know!
1172
Her!
1173
Herk! Herk! Herk! Herk!
1174
Oh, my God! She knows my name!
1175
She knows everything! She's coming to take my soul!
1176
- Mr. Herk, can you hear me?
1177
Mr. Herk, can you hear me? This is very important.
1178
I need to know where that suitcase is.
1179
Oh, God! Please don't let her take my soul!
1180
Please don't. Please.
1181
What the hell is he talking about?
1182
I don't know.
1183
How close did he get to that toad?
1184
Like face-first,
1185
Bufotenine - hell of an hallucinogen,
1186
He's gone. He won't be coming back any time soon.
1187
- Discovery Channel. - Oh, please, don't hurt me!
1188
Listen, we have reason to believe that Mr. Herk had a suitcase,
1189
possibly made of metal, very heavy.
1190
- Have you seen it? - Yeah, they had it,
1191
- Who's "they"? - An idiot named Snake.
1192
Him and a possibly even bigger idiot took the suitcase,
1193
two hostages, and what sounded like my squad car, so -
1194
- Where did they go? - You wanna know?
1195
- Take me with you. - We don't have time for games,
1196
This is a very important federal matter.
1197
Hey, if you don't uncuff me,
1198
you can stick your very important federal matter
1199
right up your big federal ass,
1200
Turn right! Can't you see the sign?
1201
- You sure they said the airport? - Absolutely, They kept talking about the
Bahamas,
1202
Did anybody open that suitcase?
1203
Not that I saw. What's in it?
1204
The guy we left back there, the frog kisser -
1205
Uh, actually, it's a toad.
1206
Anyway, the toad lover's an illegal weapons trader.
1207
Weapons? That's what's in the suitcase? You mean guns?
1208
Well, how bad can it be, right? It's a suitcase,
1209
We're not talking about a nuclear bomb, right?
1210
Right?
1211
Okay, we gotta pick a road,
1212
Arrivals or departures?
1213
We're arriving, but... then we're departing.
1214
Which one, Snake?
1215
What do you think?
1216
I think you guys should turn yourselves in
1217
and plead not guilty by reason of stupidity.
1218
Departures.
1219
It'll be okay.
1220
- Dad!
1221
Was that a goat?
1222
Dad!
1223
- Where did they get that stuff? - Russia.
1224
- Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing? - You'd faint if you
knew,
1225
A few months ago, somebody got a warhead
1226
out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called -
1227
Sergijev Posad - not far from Moscow.
1228
Beautiful churches there.
1229
Travel Channel.
1230
Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it.
1231
Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal,
1232
The bar?
1233
That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.
1234
- So can they set it off? - Best we know, flip three switches,
1235
and you got 45 minutes to clear out.
1236
45 minutes.
1237
Man, I guess it was bound to happen one day.
1238
What makes you think this is the first time?
1239
Never mind which time this is.
1240
The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport,
1241
and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
1242
You can do that?
1243
Okay, let's go.
1244
I'm gonna have this pointed right at you,
1245
so don't do something stupid.
1246
How would you even know if I did something stupid?
1247
I'll know. Believe me, I can tell the difference.
1248
Eddie, open the trunk.
1249
If you don't do like I say,
1250
you know what's gonna happen to you, right?
1251
- You're gonna shoot me? - You got that right,
1252
Okay, let's go. Bring the suitcase.
1253
I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.
1254
If I don't see them, I don't write them.
1255
Everything is very, very wrong.
1256
Don't worry. They'll never make it through airport security.
1257
We're gonna miss our flight,
1258
You see what the problem is?
1259
I don't know, There's some kind of commotion up there,
1260
- There might be something about it on the radio.
1261
Man: Not now, not tonight, but when they play a game and lose,
1262
I don't hear a peep from Gator fans.
1263
Man #2: Well, you're not hearing what I'm saying.
1264
I'm saying that I am a Gator fan,
1265
and I'm calling you now, okay?
1266
So I don't understand what the problem is,
1267
- or are you just not...
1268
Was that a goat?
1269
Let's get the hell out of here.
1270
Woman on P,A,: Passengers, please go to the exit...
1271
Hey, Snake.
1272
Huh?
1273
Man on P,A,: Smoking is not permitted...
1274
Well, we want to arrive in the Bahamas,
1275
but... we want to depart.
1276
This is a joke, right?
1277
Stop making fun of us, okay?
1278
Let's go.
1279
Yeah?
1280
We need four tickets to the Bahamas,
1281
one-way, next flight you got.
1282
Nassau or Freeport?
1283
The Bahamas.
1284
Nassau and Freeport are in the Bahamas.
1285
Whichever's next.
1286
There's a 10:50 flight to Freeport.
1287
Four one-way tickets are gonna run you $360.
1288
Okay, take it out of there.
1289
Okay, I'm gonna need the names of the passengers.
1290
John Smith.
1291
And the other passengers, sir?
1292
John Smith.
1293
You're all John Smith?
1294
Everybody.
1295
I'll need some photo I.D., sir.
1296
There you go,
1297
Okay, then, family Smith.
1298
Have a nice vacation.
1299
Step through, please.
1300
Come on.
1301
- Unh-unh. Woman: Computer check,
1302
Computer check!
1303
Hold it.
1304
Snake, this ain't gonna work, man.
1305
They got Xerox machines up there and shit.
1306
I'm so sick of your bad attitude.
1307
Just let me do some thinking, okay?
1308
Bag check,
1309
Step through, please.
1310
Bag check,
1311
Computer check.
1312
Computer check. All right, step through.
1313
Okay, let's go.
1314
Step through, please,
1315
Step through, please.
1316
Bag check.
1317
Bag check,
1318
Bag check.
1319
- Bag check,
1320
Is this yours?
1321
It's mine.
1322
Bring it over here and open it, please.
1323
Do it.
1324
Bag check,
1325
- Bag check,
1326
What is this?
1327
- A garbage disposal. - Bag check,
1328
- A garbage disposal? - Portable.
1329
- Bag check, - Bag check,
1330
You'll have to turn it on.
1331
It's got a timer. Grounds up your garbage while you're out.
1332
- Bag check,
1333
Bag check,
1334
Bag check,
1335
Bag check!
1336
Okay.
1337
Let's go.
1338
Over there.
1339
They shot my radio!
1340
Dad, the goat kicked your Geo's ass.
1341
The car is a piece of shit, okay?
1342
We're gonna get Jenny.
1343
Goddamn goats.
1344
Boy, does this town give me spielkas.
1345
You got that right.
1346
This isn't gonna work,
1347
If you can get up to that service road,
1348
you can hook over to Douglas.
1349
Well, see if this guy will let me squeeze in front of him.
1350
Excuse me!
1351
Excuse me.
1352
Got a little emergency. You mind if we get through here?
1353
# Come Friday night... #
1354
Look, he's coming to take our order.
1355
- What do you guys want?
1356
You ever hear of Special Executive Order 768-04?
1357
No, what is it?
1358
It's a powerful law-enforcement tool.
1359
#... Hard workin' man #
1360
- Ugh! Ohh!
1361
# I got it all on the line for a piece of the promised land #
1362
Ohh! Ohh!
1363
# And I'm burnin' my candle at both... #
1364
#... Right with it #
1365
# I got what you need... #
1366
What country are we in?
1367
All right, Anna, you come with me.
1368
Matt, you take Nina with you.
1369
You see those idiots, you come and get me.
1370
- You got it? - Okay.
1371
What about me?
1372
Find a cop.
1373
I need help right now.
1374
There's a hostage situation here at the airport.
1375
- Where? - I don't know where,
1376
Well, we can't help you, can we?
1377
- You got a twin brother works at Bayside? - Maybe,
1378
I need to use your phone.
1379
That's for airport security personnel and cops only,
1380
I am a cop. Can't you see the uniform?
1381
- Where's your badge? - It was stolen.
1382
- Where's your gun, your flashlight? - They were stolen, too.
1383
Look, are you gonna help me, or are you gonna be a big, fat, stupid asshole?
1384
Strip search!
1385
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
1386
Fly By Air Flight 2038 to lovely Freeport
1387
is now ready for passenger boarding,
1388
You can get on the plane.
1389
Right this way, Thank you,
1390
Thank you. Have a nice trip.
1391
Ah, Mr. And Mrs. Kraft, happy honeymoon.
1392
Thanks a lot.
1393
Oh, the John Smiths. I'll check that for you.
1394
I- I-I-I-It rides with us.
1395
I- I-I-I-It doesn't 'cause it's too big.
1396
FAA regulations. You know, I just -
1397
too big for most airlines, I mean.
1398
Right this way. Let me help you with that crate.
1399
Okay, right this way.
1400
Come on.
1401
Ahh.
1402
Where's Mr. Smith going?
1403
Aw, screw it,
1404
Let's go! Get out of there!
1405
Hey!
1406
Get in there.
1407
Puggy!
1408
Nina.
1409
Where's Jenny?
1410
They took her on the plane.
1411
Matt: Dad!
1412
They got on the plane.
1413
They took Jenny. Fly By Air, Gate J-4.
1414
All right, find a cop.
1415
Any cop!
1416
Puggy, are you okay?
1417
Welcome to Fly By Air Flight 2036-
1418
2038.
1419
Flight 2038 to Freeport.
1420
I'm Captain Justin Hobart,
1421
and this is my copilot, Jan Vigushin.
1422
In a minute, we're gonna be closing the door,
1423
giving you a safety briefing, then we'll be on our way.
1424
Hey, how about we go now?
1425
Sir, we have to finish the preflight checklist.
1426
It's for your safety, sir.
1427
I got my safety right here, asshole.
1428
Okay, we're gonna make this real easy,
1429
This is how it's gonna work,
1430
Let's get the suitcase out of here quick
1431
and as quiet as possible.
1432
Got it.
1433
Aah!
1434
Ohh!
1435
Your jurisdiction.
1436
Gentlemen.
1437
Well, Miami sucks...
1438
but the cops are kind of nice.
1439
You got that right.
1440
Hey... start the plane.
1441
Uh, we have to close the door,
1442
and we don't have clearance from the tower.
1443
I'll take care of the goddamn door, zit-face.
1444
Now start the plane, or I'll blow your zit-face heads off.
1445
- Snake. - What?
1446
No!
1447
Oh, shit.
1448
This is Fly By Air 2036-
1449
- 38. - 38.
1450
We have a man on the plane with a gun.
1451
Get going.
1452
I don't have a runway.
1453
- '09er looks nice. - '09er it is.
1454
Oh, my God, it's moving.
1455
You got to go get help. I got to stop that plane.
1456
- Jenny! - I'll get Jenny. I promise.
1457
Ohh!
1458
# Well, my feet can't fail me now #
1459
# My feet can't fail me now #
1460
- # My feet can't fail me now # - Holy shit! Holy shit!
1461
- # My feet can't fail me now # - Holy shit, holy shit!
1462
Matt!
1463
What? I can't find a cop. Where's my dad?
1464
Dad?
1465
# My feet can't fail me now #
1466
Everyone please proceed with caution.
1467
This area has just been hot-mopped.
1468
Gastric incident.
1469
- Please keep moving, - FBl.
1470
Step back, please. We've had an incident.
1471
Everyone proceed with caution! B-
1472
Name's Arch Ridley. T ell me what you need. Please don't kill me.
1473
We're tracking a couple of scumbags
1474
with one, maybe two hostages and a big metal suitcase.
1475
Anybody in this crackerjack system of yours see anything like that?
1476
Let me just check on that.
1477
- Man on P,A,: Would the owner
1478
of a yellow Humvee parked on the curbside...
1479
Hello, Alice -
1480
What?
1481
5 minutes ago, the tower got a message from a Fly By Air pilot
1482
saying he's got a guy with a gun on his plane.
1483
- What gate? - Gate J-4.
1484
Oh!
1485
I thought you said all the planes were grounded.
1486
Give me the wing commander at Homestead,
1487
Tell him we have a situation. The plane's in the air.
1488
All right. Now we're getting somewhere.
1489
Peanuts?
1490
Yes, I need all lines to stay open between myself and Homestead.
1491
Mrs. Herk!
1492
My daughter's on the plane with that man,
1493
and he tried to shoot at us, and you have -
1494
Mrs. Herk, ma'am, listen, we need to know where that metal suitcase is right
now.
1495
I don't know, I don't know about a suitcase,
1496
It's on the plane.
1497
Did anybody open that suitcase?
1498
They made us turn it on.
1499
What happened when you turned it on?
1500
Lights, little numbers.
1501
What's that thing doing?
1502
It means the rear door's open,
1503
I can't fly the plane much longer with those stairs down.
1504
Eddie, pull up those stairs and close the door.
1505
Hey.
1506
Ugh!
1507
Eddie -
1508
Eddie, stop screwing around.
1509
Okay, confirm they got him on radar.
1510
What does he mean they have them on radar?
1511
Give me a second.
1512
You're gonna shoot that plane down.
1513
You can't do this. There's innocent people on that plane.
1514
If that nuke goes off over Freeport, many innocent people die.
1515
Now, nobody likes this, okay?
1516
But this has been discussed, believe me,
1517
as high as it can be, every scenario.
1518
- And this is the only way out. - How soon?
1519
When the plane is over the Gulf Stream - three minutes.
1520
- What about the kid's father? Maybe he made it onto the plane. - Let's say he
did.
1521
Is he, by any chance, familiar with a Russian nuclear warhead
1522
with a plutonium rod encased in a terillium core?
1523
I believe he's in advertising.
1524
Eddie.
1525
Get up, Get up, you lazy shit,
1526
He's not lazy. He's unconscious.
1527
Aaah!
1528
Miami Tower, this is, uh... Fly By Air 2036.
1529
- 38. - Whatever,
1530
What? What did he say?
1531
What? What?
1532
They heard from the pilot. H- Hang on.
1533
You tell them get that suitcase off the plane right now.
1534
You understand me? Right now!
1535
Get the suitcase off the plane!
1536
The suitcase - get it off!
1537
Get it off the plane!
1538
All: Get the suitcase off the plane!
1539
No!
1540
Let go of the suitcase!
1541
The kingpin will never let go of the kingpin's suitcase!
1542
It's a bomb!
1543
It's a bomb! Get it off the plane!
1544
Have it your way!
1545
It's gone! The suitcase is gone!
1546
Falcon One, Falcon One, break off.
1547
I repeat, break off. Do you read?
1548
Jenny: Mom, mom, listen to this! It's totally incredible!
1549
- It's the most amazing story. - Oh!
1550
You should've seen Matt's dad. Seriously intense.
1551
He smashed that really dumb guy on the head
1552
with the fire extinguisher, which was very cool.
1553
And then that guy, Snake, he had a gun, and he shot at Matt's dad,
1554
Then Matt's dad started beating the crap out of him,
1555
Then Matt's dad said, like he was some sort of action hero,
1556
"He's not lazy, He's unconscious... "
1557
Eliot: I had to outrun a plane
1558
and subdue two convicts with a nuclear weapon
1559
to get Matt's respect...
1560
Good job, dad.
1561
...But it was worth it.
1562
Seitz: Mr, Arnold?
1563
Agent Alan Seitz, FBl.
1564
The president thanks you for your selfless act of courage.
1565
Because he can never admit to knowledge of what happened here,
1566
in lieu of a medal of honor,
1567
he'd like to send you a pair of cowboy boots
1568
with a "W" on them and a hat.
1569
Sorry for any trouble, folks.
1570
Eliot: Eddie Leadbetter served his sentence
1571
at a correctional facility just outside Jacksonville,
1572
and became very good friends with his cellmate, Dwight,
1573
who shared similar tastes in humor.
1574
Walter: Monica!
1575
Monica!
1576
Walter Kramitz never returned to the force.
1577
Being naked in public was a revelation for him.
1578
Walter loves the attention...
1579
Stick 'em up!
1580
...But always tosses the pouch to his new wife,
1581
a Miss Heather Weintraub Kramitz.
1582
# Macho man, yeah #
1583
Pretty name.
1584
# I've got to be a macho man #
1585
# I've got to be a - #
1586
And with that, I say good night.
1587
Eliot: Henry and Leonard still refer to the Arthur Herk job
1588
as the low point of their professional careers.
1589
Woman on P,A,: Your attention please,
1590
Captain Lynch has informed us that there will be a delay
1591
due to an obstruction on the runway,
1592
I really feel like killing somebody.
1593
You got that right.
1594
Eliot: We all go along day after day,
1595
when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives.
1596
Sometimes you can't get out of the way.
1597
Sometimes it's a new beginning.
1598
Let's take it slow.
1599
Absolutely.
1600
We were married a week after Anna's divorce.
1601
What is it that brings two strangers together
1602
so that one soul inhabits two bodies?
1603
Sometimes it's profound.
1604
Sometimes it's Fritos.
1605
Make her stop!
1606
God in Heaven, make her stop!
1607
She wants my soul!
1608
Arugula! Arugula!
1609
Arrrrrugula! |
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