God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people
"for the Earth is filled with violence because of them.
"You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures
to keep them alive with you. "
In other words, life is hard,
so you better find someone who will be your partner.
Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's,
except Eliot's story takes place in Miami.
You just can't beat these when they're really fresh.
Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened,
because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it.
My name's Puggy, and I live in a tree.
I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.
Man: I look at this ad,
and it doesn't say "Fish Hook Ale" to me,
Bruce, what I'm trying to do -
Do you know what my business philosophy is?
No, Bruce, what is it?
My business philosophy
is that there a lot of people in the world.
That certainly isn't -
And all these people want something.
Do you know what they want?
Well, I -
They want to feel good. You know what I mean?
Yeah, well, I -
No, you don't know what I mean,
because I gave you the perfect concept,
which is not this piece of shit here!
What the hell is this?!
Why are you saying "ugly"?!
I don't want to see ugly!
That's not the feeling I want!
Bruce, W- What I'm doing here
is - is contrast in a humorous fashion.
"Get hooked on Fish Hook" - that's the concept!
You got a guy and a boat and a girl.
The girl's in a bikini, She has big tits,
They're on a boat, getting shitfaced, drinking Fish Hook Ale.
The girl has really big tits!
The feeling of this ad is somebody's going to get laid,
It's perfect. I gave you the perfect concept.
And you give me ugly?!
All right, all right, Bruce, I'll try -
No, no, Don't tell me "try, " I hate the word "try, "
"T ry" is for losers.
Listen to me, you are not the only ad agency in this town!
Eliot: A year ago, I had a nice house,
a beautiful wife, and a job I really loved.
Now I was being called a loser by this guy.
For 18 years, I wrote a column for The Miami Herald -
funny stories the higher-ups referred to as "offbeat. "
Deeber wants to see you.
Eliot: Because I'd won two Pulitzer Prizes for my offbeat stories,
I was pretty much left alone
and treated with a great deal of respect...
until Ken Deeber came.
John Croton tells me you still haven't turned anything in
on the day-care crisis.
Yeah, Ken, listen, I figure with five people
already working on the day-care crisis story,
our readers pretty much know there's a crisis in day care.
- Eliot, you were given an assignment. - I know that,
The pelican story?
Right. No one else has it.
This old Cuban guy is training pelicans -
To drop bombs - the most asinine thing I ever heard.
Come on. He tried to kill Castro with a bird!
Eliot, I gave you an assignment, and you will do it,
Or what, Ken?
Well, if you want to continue working at this newspaper,
you will put something in here before you go home.
Why don't I put something in there right now?
Eliot: Deeber picked the wrong day to be a jerk.
Earlier that day, I had found out
my wife was having an affair with her tennis instructor.
I should have written the day-care crisis piece
and never opened Eliot Arnold Advertising.
And if you think I'm gonna pay for this stupid shit,
you can forget it!
I'm not paying for ugly! I can get ugly for free!
It goes without saying, Bruce.
Dad, I need to borrow the Geo tonight.
Hello, Nigel. How's London?
Ah, could you hold on, Nigel, just for a moment?
This is a really important call - long-distance.
Listen, I want to see it tomorrow, and it better be right!
All right, Bruce. I think we got it, uh, well on its way!
Hey, Matt, how you doing?
Dad, can w-we borrow the stupid Geo tonight or not?
Because me and Andrew have to kill a girl.
"Andrew and I have to kill a girl. "
Yes, you can borrow the Geo tonight,
but I need it back at my apartment at, uh, 10:30, okay?
- Okay, - And I want you to promise me that you'll drive -
Eliot: Matt wasn't mad at me because of the divorce.
He was mad because I bought a Geo.
Sweet little vehicle.
Just get divorced?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
42 miles to the gallon, am/fm radio.
I'll even throw in the undercoating.
Anything else you'd like to know?
Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?
Eliot: To Matt, the Geo was a 48-mile-per-gallon symbol
of my bad luck, wrong choices, and missed opportunities.
Little did I know that my shot at a second chance
had just arrived in Miami
onboard Flight 57 from New Orleans.
The suitcase was sandwiched between
a quarter-ton of frozen crawfish
and a dalmatian that gave birth to a litter of 17
over Lake Okeechobee.
The dalmatian made the evening news.
The suitcase didn't.
What is it?
It looks like a garbage disposal.
So this is Miami, huh?
They can keep it.
You got that right,
Eliot: That's a Remington 30-aught-6 hunting rifle
with a Bushnell scope.
Charlton Heston takes his to shoot bighorn elk.
Henry Desalvo and Leonard Ferroni
take theirs to shoot anyone,
as long as they're paid 25 grand apiece.
We play with a guy that cheats.
Eliot: Actually, Henry and Leonard didn't play golf at all.
Will you come on? We've got an early tee time.
Eliot: They were in Miami to kill a man named Arthur Herk,
who had stolen money from his employer.
Puggy arrived in Miami
the same day as the hit men and the suitcase,
but for a much different reason.
A week earlier, at his place in Boston,
Puggy read an article in Martha Stewart's Living
that said Miami had some of the finest Cuban restaurants
in the entire world.
Since Fritos were his favorite food
and corn chips as close to Cuban cuisine
as Puggy had ever eaten,
he decided to hop a fishing boat and check it out.
Puggy could not have been happier.
After only 20 minutes in Miami, Puggy was already thinking
that this had to be the warmest, friendliest place on Earth.
Beer and a bag of Fritos.
Man on television: She ran track for 10 years.
Woman on television: She definitely has the legs...
I tell you once before, you two, out!
Look, man, we got money,
and we'll take however this much here will get us.
Eliot: Snake Dupree and Eddie Leadbetter
had met two years earlier
at the state prison just outside Louisville.
They hit it off immediately, having similar tastes in humor.
Man on television: You know,
I don't know how long she's been into strength conditioning.
But she's been into conditioning for a long time
because she ran track for 10.
Woman on television: Listen to the crowd. They are so into it.
Is there a problem, chief?
Give me that back.
Look, man, this ain't your problem,
You are problem.
He broke my ankle.
- I break your head. - I'm going,
Next time I see you again...
You can stay.
They took all my money.
We sponsor girls' softball team.
You want to make $5?
Is not for us.
Package deal - suitcase or nothing.
Lay it down gentle so as not to fall,
Come back tomorrow 1:00.
Maybe I have more job for you.
Eliot: After only one day in Miami,
Puggy had a more satisfying career
and lived in a better neighborhood than I did.
Sound system sucks.
Why'd your dad buy a Geo?
He thinks he's a loser, so he bought a loser car.
Besides, he's a dork.
Super Soaker 600 holds a gallon of water,
accurate up to 50 feet.
So, what's the plan - through the front?
Yeah. "It's Matt Arnold.
I'm here to kill your daughter, Jenny. "
No, we gotta go over the wall, dickweed.
I just hope she doesn't see this stupid turdmobile.
Martha Stewart: Spread it out on your bed...
I haven't seen him since his third scotch.
...These corners are in the inside corners,
A rather clumsy task is accomplished in no time.
It's a good thing,
T alk to me, Martha.
Good night, Nina.
- I was wondering if you'd like a drink,
Something with tequila?
Eliot: Arthur Herk - one of the few Floridians
who was not confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.
No, thank you, Mr. Herk.
I'm very tired tonight.
Of course you are, because you work so hard,
you're on your feet all day.
A woman's feet are very important.
Let's have a foot massage.
But, Mr. Herk, Mrs. Anna -
Oh, it's okay. She's watching television.
And I'm not gonna tell her that I was here,
and you're not going to tell her either,
are you, Nina?
Your strong, sturdy ankles,
your proud peasant arches.
let me clean your toes with my tongue.
Come out of there. This is my house.
You work for me, and I want to suck your toes.
Hope they don't have a dog.
Eliot: As it happens, the Herks did have a dog.
His name was Roger, and he was the random result
of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex.
For the past three months, Roger had eaten nothing but dirt.
That was when the most evil being in the universe
entered his life.
Under the influence of the toad's hallucinogenic chemicals,
Roger thought his furry butt was a 24-ounce porterhouse.
...Nice cut of meat.
And notice how it is nice and thick all along up till about here,
and then it kind of tapers off,
She looks like she has nice feet.
What are you watching her cook for, anyway?
All you know how to make are reservations.
Good one, Arthur.
Leave her alone.
I'm gonna see what else is on.
They have a dog.
Hope they don't have a dog.
They have a dog.
Come on. Get outta here, you mangy...
That's our guy,
Kill him now, we make the 11:40 back to Newark,
I can't. He's too close to the women.
Yeah, you don't shoot him soon,
I'm dead from these mosquitoes.
Look at this thing. He's the size of a Buick.
- She. - She what?
The mosquito is a she.
How the hell can you tell that?
Only the female mosquito sucks your blood.
Sounds like my ex-wife.
- # We're gonna do it # - Ha ha.
# Give us any chance, we'll take it... #
I'm going to my room where it's not so -
I don't know - stupid.
Good night, mom,
Aw, good night, honey,
I think I'll let Roger in and go to bed, too.
Here we go.
I'll witness from here in case her dad shoots us.
With what, the remote control?
This is Miami. He has a gun.
We got an interloper.
Not a problem,
- Good night,
- Aaahhh! - Ohh!
You son of a bitch!
You leave her alone!
- Aahhh! - Wuh!
- Ah. - Ugh!
I don't want any trouble.
It was a gift from the wife.
You don't want to be holding that when the police get here,
I'll go around back.
You son of a bitch!
Freeze! Everybody, hold it!
Son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, hey!
It's all right, Walter,
- This person tried to kill us. - No,
No. It's me. It's Matt Arnold. I'm in her Biology class.
It was a squirt gun,
It's a squirt gun.
We have this game at school - "Killer. "
You get somebody's name, and you're supposed to squirt them.
In their house at night? What kind of a game is that?
It's about time you putzes got here.
- And your name is? - This is my house,
Good for you, Your name is?
Arthur Herk. I know the mayor.
What took you people so goddamn long?
We came as soon as we got the call, sir.
He broke my TV,
You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna make you pay for that, and you're gonna go to jail!
- It was a squirt gun, sir. - What?!
Squirt - squirt gun.
It's a good thing you ran away, Arthur,
You might have gotten wet.
Don't tell me easy! This is my goddamn house!
And these are my handcuffs, and if you don't take it easy,
you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house.
That's right, sir.
One at a time, starting with Mr. Killer over here.
Me and Andrew were outside.
- "Andrew and I." - Thank you,
So you were outside
with a squirt gun and an imaginary friend?
Okay, So you and your imaginary friend are outside,
- Then what happens?
Officer Kramitz, would you please go see who that is?
You'll be okay?
Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door,
and I came running up to squirt her.
And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me -
or jumped on me.
And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny -
or I f-fell on Jenny,
This guy says that his son is here.
I'm Eliot Arnold.
I got a call from Andrew. You all right, Matt?
Andrew the imaginary friend?
Arthur: Yeah, well, you better have a good lawyer,
because your dumb-ass son broke my TV.
That's an RCA 39-inch horizontal!
Could somebody just tell me what happened?
I was trying to sh- squirt Jenny,
and her mom jumped me.
Look, I'm sorry
that my kid squirted your daughter.
I- I mean, I'm - that he - that he got her wet.
I mean, the way he described it,
I thought it was just a game.
Hey, kids - you know.
Yeah? Well, your jerk-off kid is going to jail,
Monica, take a look at this.
Who shot the TV?
Shot it? Nobody shot it,
Well, this is a bullet.
Monica: Wait a minute,
Matt, when you and your imaginary friend were outside,
- did you see anyone else? - No.
Mrs. Herk, do you live here with anyone
besides your husband and your daughter?
My God, the woman of the house.
I have to go.
Nina? That's you?
What's your name?
I don't think they know I live here.
I won't tell.
There was another shooter.
Man: What do you mean?
What do I mean?
What do you mean, what do I mean?
I mean there was another shooter, is what I mean.
So, did you take care of the job or not?
Well, did the other shooter take care of it?
Hold on a second.
- Not right now, okay?
It's cool, man.
Yeah, I'm here.
We want this job finished as soon as possible,
You got that right.
I'll tell you who did it.
It's probably some goddamn kids.
'Cause these goddamn kids today -
they all got goddamn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!
Any additional insights, Mr. Herk?
Any information can help us to protect you.
I seriously doubt that you or any other member of the police force in this town
could protect their own dicks with both hands.
Thank you for that observation,
I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt,
unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.
Hey - kids.
I want to press charges! Cuff him!
My hands are kind of full right now,
what with holding my dick and all.
This "Killer" thing's really stupid, Matt.
Good - now you and your shithead kid
can get the hell out of here and never come back,
Thanks for everything.
I'll walk you out.
Go get the Geo, will you, Matt?
You have a Geo?
A Metro, the LDl coupe, or the hatchback?
My biological father sells them in Tulsa.
If the salesman tried to pitch you on free undercoating, it's total bullshit.
They fall apart before they rust.
60%%% of the parts are made from recycled plastic soda bottles.
Listen, I'm sorry my husband's such an idiot.
He's probably really upset because someone shot his TV.
No, he's an idiot.
Do you think someone's trying to kill him?
God, I hope so.
What does a guy like Arthur do for a living?
He's an executive at Penultra Corporation.
I did an article on them once.
They built the jail downtown where the plumbing doesn't work.
I called it "Crapital Punishment. "
Eliot Arnold from The Herald?
I used to read your column.
You were so funny. What happened?
I lost my sense of humor in the divorce.
How does a guy like Arthur
end up with someone like you?
I married him when Jenny was little.
My first husband left us kind of early,
and we had to move to this crappy little apartment.
And I met Arthur, He was different then,
I keep looking up divorce lawyers in the phone book,
but then I think about that horrible apartment.
It's unavailable. I live there.
Can I borrow this?
I'm totally into The Seminal Fluids.
Arthur threw mine out at the carwash.
He doesn't think it's music
unless somebody's playing an accordion.
I say we blame the whole evening
on rap music and too much violence on television.
You could yell at me if it'd make you feel more dad-like.
I don't want to yell at you,
Why don't we talk?
You and I - let's just talk.
Okay. Mom wanted me to remind you
that the alimony check is due Monday.
That wasn't so hard.
Look, Matt -
Dad, I messed up tonight. Everybody messes up.
You know that better than anybody,
So all I'm saying is
I don't think I need any fatherly advice from you
about how to live my life
when you're not doing such a hot job living yours,
Hey, we're talking.
Okay. Now it's my turn.
Up yours, you little shithead.
I bring you some lunch.
Listen... I love you.
You see? You see the difference?
You ask a guy what he wants -
tits or an ugly fish - see what he tells you.
- Probably... - Tits! I gotta boogie.
Hey, she should be leaning over
for maximum exposure.
Anna: Maximum exposure?
That's advertising terminology,
Oh, I see.
T o what do I owe this pleasure?
Uh, did you happen to lose
a pair of reading glasses last night?
I don't wear glasses.
Oh, well, then, I guess I made the trip for nothing.
Nonsense. I'll need them one day - not right this minute.
Well, things change. I'll need them.
Um, hey, could I offer you some coffee?
That would be wonderful.
It's more of a dare than an offer, actually,
Did the police find anything?
Well, after meeting Arthur,
they figure I'm the primary suspect.
How do you, uh... like it?
Oh, light and... sweet.
Uh. Mm. Oh!
# Where are you, where are you, Yolanda? #
# What happened, what happened, Yolanda? #
# I searched for you, I searched for you, Yolanda #
# You're not there #
I forgot my jacket.
Got room for a third?
No harm in asking.
I hope I didn't hurt you.
No, no, that's -
Didn't know I was, um - well, we should go.
Let's - let's, uh...
Yeah. It's probably a good idea.
You should go.
Eliot: Later that day,
Arthur Herk stopped by to have a friendly chat with his boss.
Morning, douche bag.
Jesus. What happened to your hair?
It's a wig, you moron. Don't act stupid.
I know you know what's going on.
Those dickwads upstairs are trying to have me whacked!
Hey, hey, first of all, those decisions are made way over my head.
And secondly, you stole money from them, Arthur!
What do you expect them to do?!
Look, bitch, you take that express elevator upstairs to the top floor,
and you tell those sugar-cane-sucking scumbags to lay off,
or I'm gonna blow the lid on this whole operation!
You're putting me in a very awkward position.
No, no, no. No, no, no. No. No.
An awkward position is what you're going to be in
when the FBl is shining a proctoscope up your big, fat ass!
I have evidence, and I'll use it!
Eliot: He didn't have evidence,
but he knew where he could get some.
And that made Arthur Herk a very dangerous man.
Arthur may not have been a genius,
but he did know that the bullet that went through Xena's head
was meant for his,
Penultra Construction had arranged for the hit when they discovered
Arthur had been skimming money from the company.
Up until yesterday, Arthur Herk had been their bagman.
Gentlemen... we have a problem.
Can I get personal?
Oh, now you're asking?
Your daughter really likes you.
Yeah. We have a pretty good relationship.
The divorce, Arthur - she doesn't throw any of that in your face?
Oh, I told Jenny a long time ago that I wasn't perfect.
She tried to accept my mistakes,
and I try to accept hers.
Well, I mean, it wasn't that simple
when she came home with a scorpion tattooed on her butt.
Matt hates me.
He basically thinks I'm a loser.
He called me a loser, so I called him a shithead.
If we had bad teeth, we could go on "Jerry Springer. "
So, what you're telling me is that her mom beat you up?
Well, she's in pretty good shape, man.
I mean, she could snap you like a toothpick,
You - don't stare at my boobs.
So, did they give you points for the kill?
No, they said it didn't count.
Well, I know this won't end till it ends,
so I'd like to get this over with.
You can squirt me tonight over at Bayside.
I'll be outside The Gap at around 8:00, okay?
And you - don't look at my ass when I walk away.
I can't make that promise.
"You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside. "
You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.
- You looking at her ass? - Yeah.
There's some things I'd like to know.
For instance, who's the guy running around with the rifle?
And who in the hell is the guy jumping on me from out of a tree?
What guy in a tree?
That's what I'm wondering.
Look, you brought us down here
to do a simple job - in, out, bing, bang.
All of a sudden, I got Geronimo running into the house
and Tarzan landing on my coconut.
Your primary concern is to finish this job
before a certain party shoots his mouth off.
Gentlemen, would you mind putting out your cigars, please?
- Come again? - I asked...
Would you mind putting out your cigars, please?
As a matter of fact, I would mind.
Well, you see, the reason I ask - all due respect -
I got a great New York strip sitting over there,
cost me $27 and change,
and it tastes like I'm eating a cigar.
Listen, ace, number one, you're eating a steak
at a place called Joe's Stone Crab.
And number two,
there's no rule that says we can't smoke.
Well, number one, my name is not Ace.
And number two, I'm not talking about rules here.
I'm talking about manners,
You see, there is no rule
that says I can't come over here
and fart on your entree,
but I don't do it,
Why? Because it's not good manners.
So I ask you again in the nicest possible way
to please put out the cigars, okay?
I hope you realize you've just committed assault.
I know, I know - you know, I remember a time
was you actually had to hit somebody.
You go tell your employer
it's gonna cost him another 10 G's apiece.
But we want this finished as soon as possible.
Well, believe me, we don't want to spend
any more time in this garden spot than we have to.
Got that right.
Whoa, Look at those wheels,
Douche bag's probably some kind of drug kingpin.
Bet he's got a helicopter and a big-ass boat
and a pad down in the Bahamas like a tax shelter.
Stayed in one of them shelters once. Didn't like it much.
I'm tired of living foot to mouth,
Let's go to The Jackal.
There's something I want to do.
I don't want to mess with that bartender
and his baseball bat.
Man on television:... In the lightweight division.
Heather is from Woodland Hills, California.
What do you see right away?
Man #2 on television: She's got very good balance.
She's got good muscularity.
She's going through a routine right now.
Hello, Mr, Herk,
Something to drink?
I need a missile.
This for you? This is personal missile?
What the flying shit do you care?
Usually you drop money,
somebody else pick up equipment.
What, are you keeping a diary?
You got a goddamn missile or not?
Right now, do not have missile.
Missile wery hard to get.
Well, I want you to try
wery goddamn hard to get a missile.
You got me, comrade?
- You pay?
Maybe I have item for you.
What the hell is that?
Looks like a garbage disposal.
Is big bomb. Take a look.
I'm not long for this place,
My brother's working security at the airport.
Oh, yeah. Check this out.
Well, we're not supposed to carry guns.
Well, we're not supposed to drink on the job either.
All right. Let's reconnoiter back here at 2100 hours.
# I can feel it coming in the air tonight #
# Oh, Lord #
Man on radio: Just one brave Gator fan to call.
Where are the Gator fans now?
All you Gator fans call when you win.
But now that you lose, you don't have the guts to call in.
I'm waiting for one, just one...
What the hell are Gators?
Football - college.
- Morons. - Mm-hmm.
Man #2 on radio: I'm a Gator fan, and I'm calling.
And what do you have to say?
Well, you said we don't have the guts to call,
and I'm calling.
That's it? You're calling to say you're calling?
This town gives me a headache,
Why do you think he'd come here, a guy like that?
Good job, nice house, plenty of cheese.
What - what's he doing in a shithole like this?
Maybe it's Happy Hour.
I might as well have a bucket over my head.
Keep walking. Don't do nothing stupid in there.
As far as I'm concerned, this whole idea is stupid.
I think we got Gator fans.
Is that a squirt gun in your pocket,
or were you happy to see me?
So, where are we gonna do this?
We don't want to make a scene, like last time.
Well, there's a parking lot behind the drugstore.
Sounds like a good place to die.
Maybe you could buy me some lip gloss afterwards.
Are you staring at her ass?
Whip out your pistol, cowboy.
Where do you want me to shoot you?
Why don't you shoot her in the crotch?
You could be like a couple.
This is a friend of yours?
How about I just shoot you on your hand?
My first hand job.
- Move, move, move! - Who's shooting?
Andrew, come on!
- Come on, Andrew!
Holy shit. Oh, shit.
- Holy shit,
Eliot: At that very moment, Officers Romero and Kramitz
were headed westbound on Biscayne Boulevard.
Three months earlier,
they had been involved in a scuffle with a crack dealer
at the very intersection they were now passing through.
Romero's shirt had been torn open in the altercation,
revealing a red bustier
from the Victoria's Secret's "Desire" collection.
Kramitz had never gotten it out of his mind.
So, I was thinking maybe you and me could get together sometime.
Walter, do you want to have sex with me?
Eliot: Walter couldn't believe it.
Had he somehow found the wormhole in the universe
that guys have been seeking for eons -
the wormhole that would allow him
to bypass all the talking and talking and talking
and just do it?
Walter thought hard
about how he would phrase his response to Monica's question.
Well, I don't want to have sex with you,
You're a married man.
Yeah, but not happily.
- Man with a gun,
Police! Put the gun down right now!
It's not my gun. Some guy -
Put down the gun!
I'm a very good student.
- Shut up, punk. - Officer Kramitz,
he looks about as menacing as a Backstreet Boy,
Can I talk to him for a second?
What's your name?
Andrew Ryan, what are you doing with a gun?
Some weird guy was shooting at us,
He dropped it, and I picked it up and ran.
My friends - Matt and Jenny.
That's correct. We are the police.
Jack Pendick, Big Sky Security.
There was a girl in the parking lot,
and they were gonna shoot her with a gun.
Hmm. Let me guess - a squirt gun, right?
Mr, Pendick, does this firearm belong to you?
Have you been drinking tonight, Mr. Pendick?
Monica: Go get him, Walter,
Stick 'em up.
I ain't done with you yet,
Open the cash register.
Reach for that baseball bat, and I blow your head off,
Okay, Eddie, go get it,
Woman on television: ... A little bit too much.
The choreography is starting to lag. There you go.
Get the big bills first,
Which big bills?
This one or the other one?
- Where's the money? - I have money,
What kind of bar is this?
Business very bad.
Is bad location.
Snake, check it out. It's the kingpin with the Fag Jag.
You - give me your watch.
All right. Now give me your wallet.
What's in there?
- Right. - No, it's a bomb,
These guys are Russians, and they sell bombs.
- Bombs? No bombs. Is bar. - Is bar.
Hey, Eddie open the suitcase,
What if it is a bomb?
Well, then you'll get blown up, and nobody will miss you.
Looks like a garbage disposal.
Nah, it's a time-lock safe thing.
Probably got drugs or emeralds in it.
Snake, let's get the hell out of here.
I think I hear one of them silent alarms.
Are your wheels outside? Give me the keys.
All right, latch up the suitcase.
We're going for a ride. Kingpin's coming with us.
No, no, no, you don't want me. You don't want me.
You want these guys, These guys are Russians,
- They have missiles. There's - - Shut up, asshole!
Snake, I think we done pretty good.
Why don't we just call it a day?
We got an opportunity here, Eddie.
Now, maybe you don't see it, but I do.
And that's why I'm me, and you're you.
This guy's probably got lots of cool shit back at his place.
So that's where we're going, and we're taking this with us.
I bet it's pure 14-karat gold in there.
Snake: Pick it up,
Get back around here with your friend,
That'll teach you to hit people with baseball bats.
If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave,
the next bullet goes through your head.
And the Japanese doctor says,
"Lady, you have Ed Zachary disease. "
And the lady goes,
"Oh, no, Ed Zachary disease. What does it mean?"
And the doctor says,
"It mean your face look Ed Zachary like your ass. "
"Your - your face look Ed Zachary like your ass. "
Who thinks this shit up, huh?
Man: The point is that all these Gators ever do is talk trash.
Then when they lose, you don't hear a peep out of them.
Man #2: Well, I'm a Gator fan, and I'm talking to you right now.
So what's your problem?
You said we don't have the guts to call, and I'm call-
These guys need a hobby.
There's our guy.
And I believe that's Tarzan,
Where do you think they're going - our boy's house?
"Ed Zachary. "
Officer, what's going on?
Well, we had a little shooting,
but we got it under control, Miss...
Weintraub - Heather Weintraub.
I want to talk to your two friends. Any idea where they are?
They probably went back to Jenny's house.
Well, we gotta take care of something.
Official business. Code seven.
See you later.
Let's move! Nothing to see here!
You ready to roll?
Let me drive, okay?
The house where the TV got shot.
Didn't we do this last night?
Mm-hmm. They're in the living room.
Strip poker. Strip poker - now, that's a good game.
This is a stupid game.
Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.
You could've been killed.
And where's your partner in crime?
- Andrew? - He ran the other way.
Did anybody call the police?
Anna: I'm making coffee, Do you want some?
I'll call the police.
Arthur bought it this afternoon.
God forbid he should miss "Xena: Warrior Princess. "
If we don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how.
Let's do it.
Well, I suppose you're right. Technically, it's not an emergency, but -
Woman: Please hold and your call will be...
The police just put me on hold.
I, uh, met with a divorce attorney today.
Those kids won't be happy till they get arrested.
Hi. We're friends of Arthur's.
Hello. Hello! Hello!
Woman: Your call is very important...
Everybody shut up!
Unless you wanna get shot where the sun don't shine.
Don't think I don't know where that is either!
Maybe the pantyhose gang beat us to the draw.
- Again with the TV. - Shut up,
T ake that stupid thing off your head.
Yeah, nice place.
What are you, Martha Stewart?
Make yourself useful and tie everybody up.
Woman: 911 operator, - This is Eliot Arnold.
Well, I can only do a slipknot, a double knot, and a -
What do you call it? The bowman.
What do you want?
You going for eagle scout? Tie 'em up.
Baptist church two blocks over.
FBl Agent Pat Greer. Alan Seitz.
How can I help FBl?
Well, you can tell FBl where the suitcase is, Ivan.
- My name is John. - Sure it is,
Your name is John, and you're just a hardworking,
law-abiding, small immigrant businessman,
running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.
- Bad location. - Yes, it is,
I'd like to take a look around the back room right there,
the one with all the locks.
You have warrant?
Ain't that heartwarming?
You know, the way a man can come here from another country,
and in just a short time here in America,
he has embraced our way of living to the point
where he wants to know if we got a warrant,
Don't that just warm the cockles of your heart, Agent Seitz?
It warms the shit out of my cockles.
My cockles are burning,
We don't need a warrant,
You see, we're operating under -
What's that thing called we're operating under again, Agent Seitz?
Special Executive Order 768-04.
That's it - Special Executive Order 768-04, which basically means that,
if it's a matter of national security,
we can send a search party and a Doberman pinscher up your ass.
I want lawyer.
Did you hear that, Agent Seitz?
He want lawyer.
As is his right under our Constitution,
which we hold sacred.
Want me to shoot him in the forehead?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Just playing. Come here.
My partner wants to shoot you in the forehead,
which I have absolutely no doubt that he can legally do
under Special Executive Order 768-
- Dash 04. - Dash 04.
Now, me, I'm thinking, wouldn't it be better
if you just reached into your pocket, got the keys,
and showed me around that back room -
the one with all the locks.
- Yes? - Hi, Mrs. Herk.
Do you mind if we talk to Jenny
about something that happened at Bayside tonight?
She's not in trouble, but it's important that we talk to her.
- Oh, Jenny's not here. - Do you mind if we come in for a minute?
No, no. I- I mean, yes, I mind.
- I mean - - Monica.
What do we have here? If it ain't a Dick and a Dickless Tracy.
You're making a big mistake.
Story of my life.
Well, moron number one is tying up the family.
So take the shot,
Well, I would, but moron number two just came back
with a couple of Miami's finest,
- Hold on. Hold it a second.
We have a "Die Hard" situation developing in the kitchen,
- What? - There's a guy there in the kitchen.
A guy? What - what's he doing?
Well, my guess is he's either gonna whack 'em
with a rolling pin or he's gonna bake 'em a cake,
It could go either way with this crew.
Betty Crocker's got a squirt gun,
Let me look,
Forget about it. This is better than Pay-Per-View.
There goes the warranty,
and here comes The Iron Chef.
One wrong move, and you'll be crapping lead for a week.
- Who are you? - You talking to me?
- Uh-huh. - I'm your worst nightmare,
I want you to lower the gun and get the hell out of here.
Otherwise, I bust a cap and drop this loser.
I ain't going nowhere without that kingpin's suitcase.
On second thought, why don't you just waste him?
Better yet, I'll do it for you.
Moron number two just got moron number one all wet.
Gimme. I- I ain't never seen that.
They got enough stuff back there to fight a war in North Korea,
but no suitcase, and Ivan here doesn't seem to know
what suitcase I'm talking about.
Ivan, I know what you're thinking,
You're thinking you can use the suitcase as a bargaining chip.
You tell us where it is, we go easy on you.
I- I bet that's what you're thinking.
Isn't it, Ivan?
Don't be a baby, Ivan. It's just your foot.
It's what we at the bureau call an extremity shot.
Generally, the victim survives.
They don't do so good with what we call a torso shot.
What you think, Ivan?
You want to experience a torso shot?
I tell you who has suitcase.
- I'd get a bolt lock for this.
There's some really bad people out there.
We're out of phone cord. What about him?
Snake: He's coming with us,
- So is she. - No!
- Where are we going? - The Bahamas,
I hear they go pretty easy on kingpins in the Bahamas.
There's 5 grand in my pocket!
Kingpins ain't so tough.
What you driving?
Chevy Caprice with a 354 barrel and positraction.
I'm not getting into that Fag Jag again.
It's built by Ford now.
Eddie, you drive.
Britney Spears, in the back.
Moses, you're flying coach.
Got enough leg room?
Buckle up, ma'am.
I ain't never drove one of these before.
It ain't a spaceship, asshole. Drive.
No shit. Back up slow. It'll open.
You got the brake on, asshole.
Don't call me...
- Mrs. Anna!
Nina! They took Jenny!
Quick, quick! Come on.
Here - grab this. You don't wanna push - pull.
I'm going after them.
Okay, I'm going with you!
Yeah, me too.
I love Puggy!
Wait for me! I'm the police!
Monica, you got to get yourself loose.
Call Dispatch. Tell them to get somebody out to the airport.
- I'll handle this. - Walter!
If you remember, call that number.
Tell a Miss Heather Weintraub I might be late.
- Walter! - Walter!
That boy leads an interesting life, don't he?
What are you doing'? He's attached to the cop,
That copper can't do anything to us cuffed to that shelving unit,
Even though that shelf is brass, it's not the cheap stuff.
All the phone lines are cut. We gotta get outside and yell for the neighbors.
- Help me. You can't make me!
Help me or I will crush you like a goddamn bug.
Just take the shot and let's get the hell to the airport.
You got it, The longer we stay down here, the weirder it gets,
You got that right - Weirdsville, USA.
- Damn! - What the hell are you doing?
On three, we're gonna smash this thing through the door.
Like shit, we are!
That's glass, you moron. You're gonna get us killed!
- ... Three! - No! No! No, no, no!
- Did you get him? - I think so. He went down.
- Cop went down, too. - Goddamn dog.
You got that right.
Ugh! Ugh! It got my face!
It got my face!
We can get some help if we can get this thing up,
You okay there, officer?
Who are you?
Pat Greer. Alan Seitz. Herk?
Yeah, that's Herk.
Can you uncuff me?
Not now. Mr. Herk, I'm with the FBl.
I need to know where that suitcase is.
Oh, my God, she's coming to get me!
- The dog, Mr. Herk? - No, her!
- Who? - You know!
Herk! Herk! Herk! Herk!
Oh, my God! She knows my name!
She knows everything! She's coming to take my soul!
- Mr. Herk, can you hear me?
Mr. Herk, can you hear me? This is very important.
I need to know where that suitcase is.
Oh, God! Please don't let her take my soul!
Please don't. Please.
What the hell is he talking about?
I don't know.
How close did he get to that toad?
Bufotenine - hell of an hallucinogen,
He's gone. He won't be coming back any time soon.
- Discovery Channel. - Oh, please, don't hurt me!
Listen, we have reason to believe that Mr. Herk had a suitcase,
possibly made of metal, very heavy.
- Have you seen it? - Yeah, they had it,
- Who's "they"? - An idiot named Snake.
Him and a possibly even bigger idiot took the suitcase,
two hostages, and what sounded like my squad car, so -
- Where did they go? - You wanna know?
- Take me with you. - We don't have time for games,
This is a very important federal matter.
Hey, if you don't uncuff me,
you can stick your very important federal matter
right up your big federal ass,
Turn right! Can't you see the sign?
- You sure they said the airport? - Absolutely, They kept talking about the
Did anybody open that suitcase?
Not that I saw. What's in it?
The guy we left back there, the frog kisser -
Uh, actually, it's a toad.
Anyway, the toad lover's an illegal weapons trader.
Weapons? That's what's in the suitcase? You mean guns?
Well, how bad can it be, right? It's a suitcase,
We're not talking about a nuclear bomb, right?
Okay, we gotta pick a road,
Arrivals or departures?
We're arriving, but... then we're departing.
Which one, Snake?
What do you think?
I think you guys should turn yourselves in
and plead not guilty by reason of stupidity.
It'll be okay.
Was that a goat?
- Where did they get that stuff? - Russia.
- Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing? - You'd faint if you
A few months ago, somebody got a warhead
out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called -
Sergijev Posad - not far from Moscow.
Beautiful churches there.
Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it.
Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal,
That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.
- So can they set it off? - Best we know, flip three switches,
and you got 45 minutes to clear out.
Man, I guess it was bound to happen one day.
What makes you think this is the first time?
Never mind which time this is.
The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport,
and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
You can do that?
Okay, let's go.
I'm gonna have this pointed right at you,
so don't do something stupid.
How would you even know if I did something stupid?
I'll know. Believe me, I can tell the difference.
Eddie, open the trunk.
If you don't do like I say,
you know what's gonna happen to you, right?
- You're gonna shoot me? - You got that right,
Okay, let's go. Bring the suitcase.
I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.
If I don't see them, I don't write them.
Everything is very, very wrong.
Don't worry. They'll never make it through airport security.
We're gonna miss our flight,
You see what the problem is?
I don't know, There's some kind of commotion up there,
- There might be something about it on the radio.
Man: Not now, not tonight, but when they play a game and lose,
I don't hear a peep from Gator fans.
Man #2: Well, you're not hearing what I'm saying.
I'm saying that I am a Gator fan,
and I'm calling you now, okay?
So I don't understand what the problem is,
- or are you just not...
Was that a goat?
Let's get the hell out of here.
Woman on P,A,: Passengers, please go to the exit...
Man on P,A,: Smoking is not permitted...
Well, we want to arrive in the Bahamas,
but... we want to depart.
This is a joke, right?
Stop making fun of us, okay?
We need four tickets to the Bahamas,
one-way, next flight you got.
Nassau or Freeport?
Nassau and Freeport are in the Bahamas.
There's a 10:50 flight to Freeport.
Four one-way tickets are gonna run you $360.
Okay, take it out of there.
Okay, I'm gonna need the names of the passengers.
And the other passengers, sir?
You're all John Smith?
I'll need some photo I.D., sir.
There you go,
Okay, then, family Smith.
Have a nice vacation.
Step through, please.
- Unh-unh. Woman: Computer check,
Snake, this ain't gonna work, man.
They got Xerox machines up there and shit.
I'm so sick of your bad attitude.
Just let me do some thinking, okay?
Step through, please.
Computer check. All right, step through.
Okay, let's go.
Step through, please,
Step through, please.
- Bag check,
Is this yours?
Bring it over here and open it, please.
- Bag check,
What is this?
- A garbage disposal. - Bag check,
- A garbage disposal? - Portable.
- Bag check, - Bag check,
You'll have to turn it on.
It's got a timer. Grounds up your garbage while you're out.
- Bag check,
They shot my radio!
Dad, the goat kicked your Geo's ass.
The car is a piece of shit, okay?
We're gonna get Jenny.
Boy, does this town give me spielkas.
You got that right.
This isn't gonna work,
If you can get up to that service road,
you can hook over to Douglas.
Well, see if this guy will let me squeeze in front of him.
Got a little emergency. You mind if we get through here?
# Come Friday night... #
Look, he's coming to take our order.
- What do you guys want?
You ever hear of Special Executive Order 768-04?
No, what is it?
It's a powerful law-enforcement tool.
#... Hard workin' man #
- Ugh! Ohh!
# I got it all on the line for a piece of the promised land #
# And I'm burnin' my candle at both... #
#... Right with it #
# I got what you need... #
What country are we in?
All right, Anna, you come with me.
Matt, you take Nina with you.
You see those idiots, you come and get me.
- You got it? - Okay.
What about me?
Find a cop.
I need help right now.
There's a hostage situation here at the airport.
- Where? - I don't know where,
Well, we can't help you, can we?
- You got a twin brother works at Bayside? - Maybe,
I need to use your phone.
That's for airport security personnel and cops only,
I am a cop. Can't you see the uniform?
- Where's your badge? - It was stolen.
- Where's your gun, your flashlight? - They were stolen, too.
Look, are you gonna help me, or are you gonna be a big, fat, stupid asshole?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Fly By Air Flight 2038 to lovely Freeport
is now ready for passenger boarding,
You can get on the plane.
Right this way, Thank you,
Thank you. Have a nice trip.
Ah, Mr. And Mrs. Kraft, happy honeymoon.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, the John Smiths. I'll check that for you.
I- I-I-I-It rides with us.
I- I-I-I-It doesn't 'cause it's too big.
FAA regulations. You know, I just -
too big for most airlines, I mean.
Right this way. Let me help you with that crate.
Okay, right this way.
Where's Mr. Smith going?
Aw, screw it,
Let's go! Get out of there!
Get in there.
They took her on the plane.
They got on the plane.
They took Jenny. Fly By Air, Gate J-4.
All right, find a cop.
Puggy, are you okay?
Welcome to Fly By Air Flight 2036-
Flight 2038 to Freeport.
I'm Captain Justin Hobart,
and this is my copilot, Jan Vigushin.
In a minute, we're gonna be closing the door,
giving you a safety briefing, then we'll be on our way.
Hey, how about we go now?
Sir, we have to finish the preflight checklist.
It's for your safety, sir.
I got my safety right here, asshole.
Okay, we're gonna make this real easy,
This is how it's gonna work,
Let's get the suitcase out of here quick
and as quiet as possible.
Well, Miami sucks...
but the cops are kind of nice.
You got that right.
Hey... start the plane.
Uh, we have to close the door,
and we don't have clearance from the tower.
I'll take care of the goddamn door, zit-face.
Now start the plane, or I'll blow your zit-face heads off.
- Snake. - What?
This is Fly By Air 2036-
- 38. - 38.
We have a man on the plane with a gun.
I don't have a runway.
- '09er looks nice. - '09er it is.
Oh, my God, it's moving.
You got to go get help. I got to stop that plane.
- Jenny! - I'll get Jenny. I promise.
# Well, my feet can't fail me now #
# My feet can't fail me now #
- # My feet can't fail me now # - Holy shit! Holy shit!
- # My feet can't fail me now # - Holy shit, holy shit!
What? I can't find a cop. Where's my dad?
# My feet can't fail me now #
Everyone please proceed with caution.
This area has just been hot-mopped.
- Please keep moving, - FBl.
Step back, please. We've had an incident.
Everyone proceed with caution! B-
Name's Arch Ridley. T ell me what you need. Please don't kill me.
We're tracking a couple of scumbags
with one, maybe two hostages and a big metal suitcase.
Anybody in this crackerjack system of yours see anything like that?
Let me just check on that.
- Man on P,A,: Would the owner
of a yellow Humvee parked on the curbside...
Hello, Alice -
5 minutes ago, the tower got a message from a Fly By Air pilot
saying he's got a guy with a gun on his plane.
- What gate? - Gate J-4.
I thought you said all the planes were grounded.
Give me the wing commander at Homestead,
Tell him we have a situation. The plane's in the air.
All right. Now we're getting somewhere.
Yes, I need all lines to stay open between myself and Homestead.
My daughter's on the plane with that man,
and he tried to shoot at us, and you have -
Mrs. Herk, ma'am, listen, we need to know where that metal suitcase is right
I don't know, I don't know about a suitcase,
It's on the plane.
Did anybody open that suitcase?
They made us turn it on.
What happened when you turned it on?
Lights, little numbers.
What's that thing doing?
It means the rear door's open,
I can't fly the plane much longer with those stairs down.
Eddie, pull up those stairs and close the door.
Eddie, stop screwing around.
Okay, confirm they got him on radar.
What does he mean they have them on radar?
Give me a second.
You're gonna shoot that plane down.
You can't do this. There's innocent people on that plane.
If that nuke goes off over Freeport, many innocent people die.
Now, nobody likes this, okay?
But this has been discussed, believe me,
as high as it can be, every scenario.
- And this is the only way out. - How soon?
When the plane is over the Gulf Stream - three minutes.
- What about the kid's father? Maybe he made it onto the plane. - Let's say he
Is he, by any chance, familiar with a Russian nuclear warhead
with a plutonium rod encased in a terillium core?
I believe he's in advertising.
Get up, Get up, you lazy shit,
He's not lazy. He's unconscious.
Miami Tower, this is, uh... Fly By Air 2036.
- 38. - Whatever,
What? What did he say?
They heard from the pilot. H- Hang on.
You tell them get that suitcase off the plane right now.
You understand me? Right now!
Get the suitcase off the plane!
The suitcase - get it off!
Get it off the plane!
All: Get the suitcase off the plane!
Let go of the suitcase!
The kingpin will never let go of the kingpin's suitcase!
It's a bomb!
It's a bomb! Get it off the plane!
Have it your way!
It's gone! The suitcase is gone!
Falcon One, Falcon One, break off.
I repeat, break off. Do you read?
Jenny: Mom, mom, listen to this! It's totally incredible!
- It's the most amazing story. - Oh!
You should've seen Matt's dad. Seriously intense.
He smashed that really dumb guy on the head
with the fire extinguisher, which was very cool.
And then that guy, Snake, he had a gun, and he shot at Matt's dad,
Then Matt's dad started beating the crap out of him,
Then Matt's dad said, like he was some sort of action hero,
"He's not lazy, He's unconscious... "
Eliot: I had to outrun a plane
and subdue two convicts with a nuclear weapon
to get Matt's respect...
Good job, dad.
...But it was worth it.
Seitz: Mr, Arnold?
Agent Alan Seitz, FBl.
The president thanks you for your selfless act of courage.
Because he can never admit to knowledge of what happened here,
in lieu of a medal of honor,
he'd like to send you a pair of cowboy boots
with a "W" on them and a hat.
Sorry for any trouble, folks.
Eliot: Eddie Leadbetter served his sentence
at a correctional facility just outside Jacksonville,
and became very good friends with his cellmate, Dwight,
who shared similar tastes in humor.
Walter Kramitz never returned to the force.
Being naked in public was a revelation for him.
Walter loves the attention...
Stick 'em up!
...But always tosses the pouch to his new wife,
a Miss Heather Weintraub Kramitz.
# Macho man, yeah #
# I've got to be a macho man #
# I've got to be a - #
And with that, I say good night.
Eliot: Henry and Leonard still refer to the Arthur Herk job
as the low point of their professional careers.
Woman on P,A,: Your attention please,
Captain Lynch has informed us that there will be a delay
due to an obstruction on the runway,
I really feel like killing somebody.
You got that right.
Eliot: We all go along day after day,
when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives.
Sometimes you can't get out of the way.
Sometimes it's a new beginning.
Let's take it slow.
We were married a week after Anna's divorce.
What is it that brings two strangers together
so that one soul inhabits two bodies?
Sometimes it's profound.
Sometimes it's Fritos.
Make her stop!
God in Heaven, make her stop!
She wants my soul!