1- Okay, you ready for this?
As ever. Let’s do it.
Let’s play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
Who wrote the phrase “No man is an island”?
John Donne? John Milton?
John F. Kennedy?
Jon Bon Jovi?
Jon Bon Jovi. Too easy.
And, if I may say so, a complete load of bollocks.
In my opinion, all men are islands.
And what’s more, now’s the time to be one.
This is an island age.
A hundred years ago, you had to depend on other people.
No one had TV or CDs or DVDs or videos…
…or home espresso makers.
Actually, they didn’t have anything cool.
Whereas now, you see…
…you can make yourself a little island paradise.
With the right supplies and the right attitude…
…you can be sun-drenched, tropical, a magnet…
…for young Swedish tourists.
Hi, it’s Kristina. I haven’t heard from you.
I had a great time last weekend. So give me a call, okay? ‘Bye.
And I like to think that perhaps I am that kind of island.
I like to think I’m pretty cool.
I like to think I’m Ibiza.
There were people who had a good time in life.
I was beginning to realize I wasn’t one of them.
I just didn’t fit.
I didn’t fit at my old school.
I definitely didn’t fit at my new one.
I heard that some kids got taught by their parents at home.
Mum couldn’t do that, unless I paid her to teach me.
Because it was just her and me. And she went to work.
She made400 a week.
Where was I gonna get that kind of money from?
Maybe if I was like that movie kid, Haley Joel Osment…
…I could pay her that much.
But if that meant being good at drama, forget it.
I was crap at drama.
‘Cause I hated standing up in front of people.
So, basically, I had to go to school.
The sad fact is that, like any island dweller…
…from time to time I had to visit the mainland.
This is Imogene. You can hold her if you like.
That’s… Well, okay.
Yeah. Got her. Lovely.
Yeah, she’s delightful, isn’t she?
I know. Isn’t she?
To tell the truth, I’m being crap with her.
You better take her back.
She could’ve been yours if you got your act together.
Just think of that, yeah.
So, the place is looking really nice.
Barney, Barney, Barney.
Say hello to Will, Barney.
Here we go. It’s the Antichrist.
Hello, Barney. How are you?
– He’s lovely. – Yeah.
And what about you, Will? Any desire for a family of your own yet?
I’d rather eat Barney’s nappies.
Not really. I’m sort of all right as I am.
What does that mean? “Please” what?
Look at yourself.
You’re 38 and you’ve never had a job…
…or a relationship that lasted longer than two months.
I wouldn’t exactly say you were okay.
I mean, I would say you were a disaster.
I mean, what is the point of your life?
You’re right. There’s probably no point to my life…
…but thank you for bringing it up.
The reason we wanted you to come here today was we wanted to ask you…
…how would you like to be Imogene’s godfather?
Listen, I’m really, really touched.
But you must be joking.
I couldn’t possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogene.
You know me. I’ll drop her at her christening.
I’ll forget her birthdays until her 18th, when I’ll take her out and get her drunk…
…and possibly, let’s face it, you know, try and shag her.
I mean, seriously, it’s a very, very bad choice.
We know, I just thought you had hidden depths.
No. No. You’ve always had that wrong.
I really am this shallow.
Here we are.
You know you don’t have to walk me to school anymore now, Mum.
I know the way now.
But what if I like walking you to school?
Who are you?
And what are you not?
Right. And what does a sheep go?
I love you.
I love you, too.
“I love you, Marcus!”
Look at him!
While I couldn’t accept the offer…
…to become their child’s godfather…
…I did allow them to set me up with Angie, a rather beautiful coworker of Christine’s.
They had, however, being them, neglected to tell me one thing.
There’s something you don’t know about me.
I think so, yes.
I have a 3-year-old boy.
I wanted to throw the napkin on the floor, push over the table and run.
Brilliant. I love kids.
Yeah. I like messing about with them.
Doing kid things.
I’d have been disappointed if you didn’t have a child.
Why do you say that?
Mainly because it sounded smooth and winning.
Because I love kids so much. They’re so lovely.
What in God’s name are you saying, you idiot?
She can’t be buying this rubbish.
But she did buy my rubbish.
And for the next few weeks I was suddenly Will the Good Guy.
Her kid took to me, mainly because on our first meeting…
…I took him to the zoo and held him upside down by his ankles.
I wish relationships with proper humans were that easy.
You know, you are brilliant.
I came to realize that with single mums…
…particularly ones who’d been badly treated…
…and eventually abandoned by the father of their children, you became by comparison…
You are a wonderful person.
No, I’m not.
But it was hard to be wonderful all the time.
Eventually I began to wonder whether Angie was exactly what I was looking for.
For instance, she was late for the new IMAX movie because the babysitter hadn’t turned up.
I’m so sorry. It’s all right.
That pissed me off.
– You okay? – Yes.
And there were deeper problems.
She couldn’t stay at my place, and she didn’t have a DVD, or satellite or cable.
So we were always stuck watching some crap made-for-TV movie about a kid with leukemia.
I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do.
Godl Nol Please, please, nol
I was going to have to end it.
But having been Will the Good Guy…
…I didn’t relish going back to my role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally-stunted Asshole.
You’re breaking up with me? You…
I can’t believe I’ve wasted all this time with you!
You useless, superficial loser.
Then something magical happened.
I’m not sure this is working out. It’s not you.
You’ve been great. It’s me.
Well, my situation with Louie and his dad.
I’m not ready to launch into a relationship with anybody new.
I’m so sorry.
I think I understand.
You’re a wonderful man, Will.
I’d never watched a woman cry without feeling responsible before.
She even wanted me to forgive her. It felt amazing.
Listen, you don’t have anything to feel sorry about. Really.
So that was the end of Angie, but the beginning of a whole new thing.
Why hadn’t anyone told me about them before?
Passionate sex, a lot of ego massage and a guilt-free parting.
There must be thousands, just waiting for a nice guy to sleep with and break up with.
Fabulous, sexy, gorgeous single mums.
Can I have Cocoa Puffs?
No, it’s not Sunday.
The crying had started again. And it scared me…
…’cause now it was in the mornings.
She’d never done that before.
I couldn’t figure it out. Nobody was dead.
She had a job as a music therapist, which is kind of a teacher for sick kids.
So there was enough money for food and everything.
Should I get my own breakfast?
No, I’m doing it.
So, you looking forward to school today?
Today, you’ll need to effect…
…the decimal point when you multiply it by 10…
…100 and 1000.
“Nothing to do but frown
“Rainy days and Mondays always get me down”
Thank you very much, Marcus.
Hi, Nicky. Hi, Mark.
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