1- I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life.
Yet over the next few days, I did have a strange feeling.
Like a presence lurking at the back of my mind.
And I didn’t like it.
You don’t have a kid, do you?
You don’t have a kid, do you?
Of course I do! What are you on about?
No, you don’t.
I’ve been watching you, and you don’t have a kid.
What is it to you, anyway? Nothing.
Except you’ve been lying to me, my mum and my mum’s friend.
– Can I come in? – No.
‘Cause I’m busy.
– What are you doing? – I’m watching TV.
I could watch it with you, if you like.
That’s very nice of you…
…but I usually manage on my own, thanks.
Don’t you have homework to do, or something?
– Want to help? – No, that’s not what I meant.
I meant, why don’t you go home and do your homework?
I’ll do you a deal.
I won’t tell anyone you don’t have a kid if you go out with my mum.
You’d want your mum to go out with someone like me?
You’re not too bad.
I mean, you told lies, but apart from that you seem okay.
And she’s sad. I think she’d like a boyfriend.
I can’t just go out with someone…
…because you want me to. I’d have to like the person, as well.
– What’s wrong with her? – Nothing’s wrong with her, it’s just the system.
That’s how it… I’m not talking about this with you.
Okay. But I’ll be back.
I’m really scared!
That’s the best I could come up with, “I’m scared. ”
But as a matter of fact, I was.
Okay, that’s it. Tim, goodbye.
– Jill, goodbye. Carol, goodbye. – Goodbye.
And from me, arrivederci. Bye-bye.
Thanks. See you.
Hello, everybody. Welcome to the game of Countdown.
You remember yesterday, Carol, I revealed to a grateful nation…
…that our guest, Tom O’Connell-
Yes. He, like all of us, changes for each show.
But he is such a-
Is that right? Yeah.
Another term for Hosta, I think.
Named after Heinrich Christian Funck, who also invented disco dancing.
Yes. I’ve got all his audios.
Mum, did you always know I was going to be a vegetarian?
Yeah, of course I did.
I didn’t decide on the spur of the moment ’cause we ran out of sausages.
Did you ask me if I wanted to be a vegetarian?
What, when you were born?
I do the cooking and I don’t want to cook meat.
You have to eat what I eat.
But you don’t let me go to McDonald’s, either.
Is this premature teenage rebellion?
I can’t stop you from going to McDonald’s.
I’d just be disappointed if you did.
Don’t worry, Mum. I won’t go to McDonald’s.
After a few visits, Will seemed to think he had to ask me serious questions.
But I knew he really wanted to watch Warrior Princess.
So, how’s it going at home then?
– You mean my mum? – Yeah.
She’s all right, thanks.
I mean, you know, she’s…
Yeah, I know. No, nothing like that.
Does it still bother you, then?
Does it bother me?
Are you decent?
Every single day.
That’s why I come here, instead of going home.
A bit. When I think about it.
I don’t know why he swore like that, but it made me feel better.
It made me feel like I wasn’t being pathetic to get so scared.
I wouldn’t make the mistake of asking about Fiona again.
Marcus was clearly screwed up about it…
…and unfortunately I couldn’t think of anything to say that’d be of any value.
Next time he could talk to Suzie, or a counselor…
…or anybody capable of something more than an obscenity.
Shit! It can’t be.
Six weeks before Christmas and already they were playing the bloody thing.
What was your dad like?
A bit sad, really.
You know, he wrote one crap song that turned out to be a massive hit…
…and then spent the rest of his life trying to write a better one.
Do you ever want to write songs like him?
Is that what the guitar’s for?
So, that’s just there to look cool.
I like Santa’s Super Sleigh.
Madonna! Come here! We’ve got something.
He’s getting away, look! Hurry up!
On Pet Rescue today, the clever stoat keeps everyone…
…on their toes in Somerset.
What are you doing? Who are you?
Who am I?
Bugger off, that’s who I am! Go on, piss off!
Who were they, then?
What do you mean, “Who?”
The ones trying to embed sweets into your skull.
They’re just a couple of older kids. They started following me after school.
Does this happen often?
They never chucked sweets before, they just thought of that.
I’m not talking about the sweets. The kids trying to kill you.
Yeah, they give me a hard time.
You know, about my hair, and my clothes and singing and stuff.
And what? And singing?
Sometimes I sing out loud without noticing.
That’s not a brilliant idea, is it?
I said I did it without noticing, didn’t I? It just happens!
I’m not going to do it on purpose, am I? I’m not stupid, you know.
My advice is to keep out of people’s way. Try to make yourself invisible.
How can I be invisible?
One machine in your kitchen is an invisible machine?
I don’t think so.
I just try not to think of it, that’s all.
It happens, and I wish it didn’t, but that’s life, isn’t it?
There’s nothing I can do about it.
There is something we can do about it, Marcus.
You’re coming with me.
I was worried he was going to take me to the headmistress’ office.
But instead he took me shopping.
I don’t get it.
We’re starting with your feet.
I can’t make you invisible, but I can make you blend in with the crowd.
I don’t know how to tie them. They’ve got these funny strappy things.
It’s called Velcro.
It’s a revolutionary new technology.
For Christ’s sake. It’s not hard.
All right, wait a minute, it is a bit hard.
– Everything all right? – Yeah, thanks.
Pretty trendy, your old man, isn’t he?
There. You think you look cool, don’t you?
– Do you think I look cool? – Yeah, Marcus.
– I think you look cool. – Yeah.
That’s it, you got the walk. That’s really cool.
Brilliant. High five. Yeah.
I was suddenly hit by an extraordinary rush of well-being.
So this is what people meant by a natural high.
And it only cost60.
I had made an unhappy boy temporarily happy.
And there wasn’t anything in it for me at all.
I didn’t even want to shag his mum.
Marcus! What happened to your shoes?
They stole them.
Why would anyone want to steal your shoes?
I could see I had to tell the truth.
The problem was, the truth would lead to a lot more questions.
They were nice ones.
They were just ordinary brown lace-ups.
No, they weren’t. They were cool new trainers.
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