1- He’s sort of become my friend.
He’s sort of become your friend?
She kept repeating the last thing I said.
Except she shouted it.
I go round to his place after school.
You go round to his place after school!
– You see, he doesn’t really have a kid. – He doesn’t really have a kid?
Can I play computer games now?
Where does he live?
He’s not there at the moment. He’s out to dinner.
Christine had asked me to dinner for a pep talk.
You will end up childless and alone.
Both fingers crossed, yeah.
You must have a lot of courage.
Why is that, Christine?
Most people need something in their lives to keep them afloat…
…and you have absolutely nothing.
Doesn’t that scare you?
Do you know what you want?
Yes, I do. I’ll have the steak-
What the hell are these little after-school tea parties about?
Hi. Sorry? What did you say?
I was just wondering why a single, childless man would want to hang out…
…with a 12-year-old boy every day?
You didn’t tell your mum that you’ve been coming round?
– I think I forgot. – Tell me what?
What are you doing with my son?
Wait a minute. What are you suggesting here?
– I’m not suggesting anything. – I think you are.
You were suggesting that I’ve been interfering with your son.
I’m simply asking you why you entertain 12-year-olds in your flat.
– My God! – Oh, my God!
What do you have to say for yourself?
Don’t “well” me!
Don’t “well” me about this!
He comes over uninvited every night! Do you know why?
He’s having the shit bullied out of him at school! And you haven’t got a clue.
You send him out like a lamb to the slaughter!
He’s been taken to pieces every day of the week, you daft, fucking hippie!
I think you’re being a bit melodramatic. Marcus is fine.
Strange. Will had it right, Mum didn’t. It should be the other way around.
You haven’t had much contact with kids.
I used to be a bloody kid! I went to a bloody school.
I know when kids can’t settle down and when kids are miserable!
Look at him, for Christ’s sake! Don’t accuse me of being melodramatic.
– This coming from a woman who tried to- – Cowabunga!
– What’s the matter with you? – Nothing.
I just felt like a shout.
Jesus, what a family.
Will, you’re disturbing the other customers.
It’s fine. I’m sorry. I’m done.
– Okay, so, you’re not… – What?
No, I’m not! No, I’m not.
Listen, don’t worry about it.
I won’t open the door to Marcus again, okay?
I’ll be glad to be rid of the pair of you, frankly.
Go on. Bugger off.
So that’s it, is it?
You’re just out of his life, like that.
Let’s say you’re right and I’m wrong.
Let’s say there’s this whole world…
…that I don’t understand, and somehow, miraculously, you do.
What are you going to do about it?
I’m not going to do anything. He’s none of my business.
– You’re a selfish bastard. – That’s what I tell him.
– He always puts himself first. – But I’m on my own.
It’s just me.
I’m not putting myself first. There’s nobody else.
Yes, there is!
There’s Marcus. You’re involved now.
He keeps coming around your bloody house.
You’ve come into his life for a reason.
You can’t just shut him out.
You can’t shut life out. “No man is an island. ”
– She’s right, you know. – Yeah, she is.
No, she’s not! She’s wrong!
Some men are islands. I’m a bloody island!
I’m bloody Ibiza!
What are you talking about?
Do you want to come over for Christmas?
No, Marcus, I do not want to come over for bloody Christmas.
I do not want to spend Christmas with Miss Granola Suicide and her spawn.
I’d always thought what you did with Christmas…
…was sort of a statement about where you stood in life.
I was going to spend this Christmas the way I usually did.
Watching videos and getting drunk and stoned.
Before you came, I was all alone.
It is bad to be alone.
Now come here.
The good news was it wasn’t just me and Fiona and Marcus.
The bad news was, well…
So, you’re Marcus’ dad.
Yeah, I guess so. And this is my girlfriend, Lindsey.
And Lindsey’s mum.
– Thanks, Dad. – That’s okay.
I had to hand it to the kid.
He could be enthusiastic about some truly crap present.
Wow, a tambourine! Thanks, Mum.
Isn’t that cool, Will?
Yeah, that’ll come in handy.
I saw it and I thought, “This’ll be perfect. ”
Maybe you can perform at that school concert. Get a pop group together. Make some friends.
When you sing, it brings sunshine and happiness into my heart.
This one’s from me.
Brilliant! What is it?
It’s a CD, Marcus.
By Mystikal. They’re cool. You’ll like them.
And what kind of music is Mystikal?
It’s sort of world music.
“Shake Ya Ass. ”
Slash rap type thing.
Shake Ya Ass?
Is he Moroccan?
I’m afraid we haven’t got a CD player.
It’s great anyway.
I know you haven’t got a CD player, so, I got you one of them as well.
What a lucky boy.
– Open yours, Will. – All right. Thanks a lot.
– Marcus, is this a joke? – Yeah.
It’s not bad.
Hi. Sorry, I’m dead late!
– Have I missed anything? – No, come on in.
– Merry Christmas. – Merry Christmas!
Long time no see.
At her dad’s. Where’s Ned? At his mum’s for Christmas?
No. I should probably go, shouldn’t I?
You could go pose as Santa, try and shag some carol singers.
Are you a professional Santa?
Right. That’s it. I’m off.
Thank you very much. It was great.
Suzie has every right to express her anger.
Yes, and she’s expressed it.
Now I have a right to bugger off.
Thanks a lot. ‘Bye.
He’s my friend. I invited him.
I should be able to tell him when to go home.
I haven’t told Will to go, Marcus.
Suzie’s angry and has every right to be, and she’s telling him so.
She’s right, Marcus.
Just leave it, okay?
All he did was make up a kid for a couple weeks.
God, that’s nothing. So what? Who cares?
Kids at school do worse than that every day!
The point is, Marcus, Will left school a long time ago.
He should’ve grown out of making people up by now.
– That’s for sure. – It’s not fair to gang up on him.
He’s been better behaved since then.
He bought me trainers, he lets me go round to his house and he knows what kids need.
What? Expensive footwear and obscene music?
If there’s something you really need then we can talk about it.
No, we can’t. It’s not a discussion, it’s an argument, and you always win.
– Why not just tell me what to do? – I want you to think for yourself!
I’m thinking for myself! And I want Will to stay!
He’s not the only one who ever did anything wrong!
Remember how we met? Remember why? Because you-
Because you threw a loaf of bread at a duck’s head and killed it, basically.
Excuse me? What’s this about a duck?
Are we having duck? Delicious!
Of course we were not having duck.
Instead we had nut loaf with parsnip gravy.
As I sat there, I had a strange feeling.
I was enjoying myself.
I’d never really enjoyed Christmas before.
My mother used to make me sing Santa’s Super Sleigh…
…in front of my inebriated uncles and aunts…
…just to get at my dad, I think.
But Christmas at Marcus’, I’m ashamed to say it, gave me…
…a warm, fuzzy feeling.
I held that feeling responsible for the strange events that followed.
First of all, Marcus got a crush on a girl.
Hello. Piss off.
And then, even stranger, so did I.
It was all Marcus’ fault, really…
…because once you open your door to one person, anyone can come in.
On New Year’s Eve, I met Rachel.
She was interesting, smart and attractive.
And for about five minutes, I had her convinced that I was, too.
…things like political events.
You in television?
Am I in television? No.
– Everyone else is in television. – Yeah.
I watch television.
Right, right. So you’re more in front of it than in it.
– In it, yeah. – Yes, I get it, yeah.
It was torture.
For five minutes I realized what life would be like if I were, in any way, interesting.
If I had anything to say for myself, if I did anything.
But I didn’t do anything.
And in about 30 seconds she’d know and she’d be gone like a shot.
So what do you do?
I’m sort of taking a bit of time off at the moment.
– Sounds good, yeah. – Yeah.
Time off from what?
To be absolutely honest, time off from time off, in fact.
The interesting thing about me is I don’t actually do anything.
– You don’t do anything? – Actually, no.
– Nothing. – Nope.
Now, Rachel, darling.
East Coast or West Coast rap?
I have absolutely no…
There. She was gone. There was no more to say.
All rap music sounds exactly the same to me.
Or was there?
I tell you what. I know a 12-year-old who’d kill you for saying that.
– Really? – Yes.
– So do I, come to that. – Yeah?
– Yeah. What’s yours called? – Mine?
He’s called Marcus.
Mine’s Ali. Alistair.
And there it was.
It wasn’t a lie. It was 100 percent her assumption.
Well, 50 percent, at the very least.
I was in fantasyland again. But this time it was different.
SPAT was for fun. This was serious. I acted in self-defense.
We arranged to get our lads together.
Which means we arranged for us to get together.
Single parents, alone together.
Happy New Year!
I was in deep trouble.
And there was only one person who could help me out.
“Shake ya ass, but watch ya self Shake ya ass, show me what you workin’ with
“Shake ya ass, watch ya self
– “Show me what you workin’ with” – What did you just say to me?
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