1- You heard me, squitty little shitty snot-nosed bastard!
I was singing along to this song by Mystikal.
It’s a rap.
You like rap?
It’s by black people, mostly. They’re angry most of the time.
But sometimes they just want to have sex.
You taking a piss?
‘Cause if you are, you’ll get a slap.
I’m not taking a piss.
I don’t even know how to take a piss.
– What’s your name? – Marcus.
Hi, Ellie. Nice to meet you.
Not so fast. I’m not ready for physical contact. Next thing you know, we’ll be having sex.
And where will that get us?
And stop telling strangers to shake their ass.
Okay, Ellie. See you!
Listen, I need your help.
Why did you tell this lady I was your son?
No, I didn’t tell her.
I told you, she just got the wrong end of the stick.
So just tell her.
– No. Can’t do that. – Why not?
We’re really going around in circles here. Just accept the facts, okay?
You’re my son.
I’ll tell her, if you like. I don’t mind.
That’s very kind of you, Marcus, but no.
– Why not? – For Christ’s sake!
She’s got a rare disease and if she believes something that’s not right…
…then hears the truth, her brain will boil in her head and she’ll die, okay?
That’s a load of shit.
I’m really interested in this woman.
What do you mean, interested?
What’s so interesting about her?
Okay, Marcus, here.
Here’s my last scrap of dignity. Enjoy it.
I want to go out with her. Okay?
I’d like her to be my girlfriend. There, I said it.
Brilliant! Why didn’t you just say that?
I don’t know.
I was embarrassed or something, ’cause this is a bit new for me.
I just met her, her name’s Rachel. She’s sort of-
There’s this girl at school. Ellie.
I kind of want her to be my girlfriend.
I’m not exactly sure.
I’ve been meaning to ask you.
What’s the difference between a girl who’s your friend and a girlfriend?
Well, I don’t know.
Do you want to touch her?
Is that so important?
Yeah, you’ve heard about sex, right?
It is kind of a big deal.
I know. I’m not stupid.
I just can’t believe there’s nothing more to it.
I mean, like, I want to be with her more. I want to be with her all the time.
And I want to tell her things I don’t even tell you or Mum.
And I don’t want her to have another boyfriend.
If I could have all those things…
…I wouldn’t really mind if I touched her or not.
Well, you’ll learn, Marcus.
You won’t feel like that forever.
Okay, how do I look?
Good. How do I look?
Just be as normal as you can, okay?
Good advice for Marcus.
I wish I could have followed it.
I’m sorry it’s such a mess.
That’s where I work.
My mouth was dry and my palms sweating.
I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me.
…manage to tidy up. Ali?
All I could do was stand there, grinning like an idiot.
– Should we just go upstairs? – Sure. Okay.
You’re in my year at school.
Really? Yeah, I think I’ve seen you around.
Then you guys’ll have a lot to talk about.
Will, this is Ali.
Ali, this is Will.
– All right. – All right.
Do you guys want to hang up here for a while?
– Yeah, sounds good, right? – Yeah. Okay.
For a moment, I loved him.
Really loved him.
You can show him your new computer games.
Good. Okay, catch you later.
Let’s leave them to it.
If your dad goes out with my mum, then you’re dead.
– Don’t worry. He’s all right. – I don’t care if he’s all right!
I don’t want him going out with my mum!
I don’t want to see him or you around here ever again, okay?
I’m not really sure it’s up to me.
Well, it better be! Or you’re going to die.
I was getting the feeling that maybe this kid Ali was a serial killer.
Can I have a go on your computer? What games you got?
Are you listening to me?
Yeah, it’s just that I can’t really do much at the moment, can I?
I mean, Will, that’s my dad…
…he likes your mum, and I think she’s keen on him.
She’s not keen on him!
She’s only keen on me!
One amazing thing about Rachel…
…was that I wanted to kiss her every time she said something interesting.
Which was all the time.
It was sexy. It was weird.
I use Bristol boards, India ink and…
Am I boring you?
No, no. No.
– What? – Nothing.
It’s just you looked like Marcus just then.
I think it’s sweet how much he seems to take after you…
…and the way he dresses like you, as well.
I don’t think I dress like Marcus, really.
Wait! Hang on. Hang on. Come on, we’re going back.
– He’s off his head. – No, he’s not.
He said he’d cut me up into little pieces and hide me under the floorboards.
– He did? – No.
But I’m sure he’s capable of it.
It’ll be different. You’ll like it, I promise.
Marcus, Ali has something to say to you.
I didn’t mean to say those things.
It’s okay, Ali.
Ali finds all this very difficult.
Yeah, so does Marcus.
Don’t you, mate?
You know, I mean, divorced parents…
…and not knowing how to feel about new people.
Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely the way I feel.
Ali didn’t get along with the last bloke I went out with.
– He was a liar! – All right, darling.
He wasn’t 100 percent good news.
– I’m not saying that you and I are. – That’s okay.
He fancies you. He told me.
– Thanks a lot, mate. – Oh, dear.
Don’t look so worried, sweetheart.
– Marcus? What, are you stalking me? – No.
Too bad. Made me feel like a celebrity.
Yeah, but I didn’t know that then, did I, sexy?
All I’m saying is, you know, watch out.
It just looks a bit more like owner and pet than boyfriend and girlfriend.
At least I’m honest.
What does that mean?
It’s just that you and Rachel…
What? What does that mean?
I don’t know, I think there’s a problem with you and Rachel.
I mean, like, you want to be with her but she thinks you have a son.
And you don’t.
If you’re going to be with someone…
…shouldn’t you tell them things like that?
I mean, you know, like the truth.
What’s wrong with you?
But later that night, when I was on my own…
…I remembered the deal Marcus was prepared to strike.
Yes, I wanted to touch Rachel.
But at this moment, if I had the choice…
…I’d settle for the less and the more that Marcus wanted.
Jesus, was I turning into Marcus?
Would he be buying me shoes soon?
I took his advice and told Rachel the truth.
Or very nearly the truth.
That I wasn’t Marcus’ natural father.
And that is not natural seaweed.
The problem was, once I told the truth, I knew there’d be more questions.
I don’t get it. If you’re not his natural father…
…and you don’t live with him, then how is he your son?
Yeah, I see.
It must look very confusing from the outside.
Tell me how it is on the inside.
It’s just one of those long, boring stories.
Look, do you want to move on to wine?
You want some Chinese rice wine, miss?
You would like to try, I suspect, the Panang Paneng.
Tell me about your relationship with Ali.
– Is that as complicated as mine and Marcus’? – No.
I slept with his father, and then nine months later I gave birth.
Pretty straight forward.
Yeah. I envy you that.
I’m really sorry to harp on about this but I haven’t got it all worked out yet.
You are Marcus’ stepfather, but you don’t live with him or with his mother.
No, you see, wait.
I never said he was my son.
The words “I have a son called Marcus,” never escaped my lips.
It’s what you chose to believe.
It’s me that’s the fantasist.
I wanted to believe that you had a son, so I let my imagination run riot.
Obviously I played a part, I can see that.
No! Not at all. I met you and I thought, “Cute guy.
“God, if only he had a son. A geeky, teenage kid, if possible. ”
Then you turned up at my house with Marcus, and bingo!
Now I made this crazy link ’cause of some deep psychological need in me.
You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.
It could have happened to anyone.
The first time I met you I thought you were a bit blank.
But then you changed my mind.
Maybe I was right.
– Rachel, listen. – Yes?
I’m sorry, you’re right.
I am a blank.
I’m really nothing.
I don’t know what the hell I was thinking of, I’m sorry.
Marcus! My man!
See you, Marcus!
I didn’t know what the answer was.
I didn’t know what “x” equaled.
And I didn’t know how to help my mum.
And then I realized.
There was something she said I could do for her.
– I’m thinking of singing at the school concert. – You? At the rock concert?
I don’t think that would be a very good idea, Marcus.
Will you accompany me?
All I’ve got is a tambourine.
No, I’m sorry. It’s suicide.
I mean, they’ll crucify you.
Mum’s at it again.
– At what? Sorry. – What do you mean, what?
She sits in the house all day, crying.
She does it in the mornings, too.
It’s as bad now as it was before the Dead Duck Day.
Marcus, I’m sorry, mate…
…I’m a bit busy at the moment.
You’re busy? Doing what?
– Didn’t you hear me? – I heard you.
– What do you want me to do about it? – I don’t know.
– You could talk to her. – Yeah? And what would I say?
– I don’t know! – Why would she listen to me?
Who am I to her?
– I’m nobody. – You’re not nobody.
– You’re- – Who? Who do you think I am?
Who do you think you are?
You come here uninvited, you disrupt my life, you screw things up.
What do you want from me? This isn’t my problem.
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