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當哈利遇上沙莉
When Harry Met Sally

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CD

1
I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant.

2
It was a Horn & Hardart cafeteria.

3
And this beautiful girl walked in, and I turned to Arthur

4
and I said "Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her. "

5
And two weeks later we were married.

6
And it's over 50 years later,

7
and we're still married.

8
It's very clear

9
UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO - 1977

10
Our love is here to stay

11
- I love you. - I love you.

12
Not for a year

13
But ever and a day

14
Oh, the radio and the telephone

15
And the movies that we know

16
May just be passing fancies...

17
Hi, Sally. Sally, this is Harry Burns.

18
- Harry, this is Sally Albright. - Nice to meet you.

19
- Wanna drive the first shift? - You're there already. You start.

20
Back's open.

21
- Call me. - I'll call you as soon as I get there.

22
- Call me from the road. - I'll call you before that.

23
- I love you. - I love you.

24
Sorry.

25
- I miss you already. I miss you already. - I miss you.

26
- Bye. - Bye.

27
In time, the Rockies may crumble

28
Gibraltar may tumble

29
They only made of clay

30
But

31
Our love is here to stay

32
I have it all figured out. It's an 18-hour trip, which becomes six shifts of three hours.

33
Or, alternatively, we could break it down by mileage.

34
There's a... There's a map on the visor

35
that I've marked to show the locations where we can change shifts.

36
Grape?

37
No. I don't like to eat between meals.

38
I'll roll down the window.

39
Why don't you tell me the story of your life?

40
- The story of my life? - We got 18 hours to kill before New York.

41
That won't even get us out of Chicago. Nothing's happened to me yet.

42
- So I'm going to New York. - So something'll happen?

43
- Yes. - Like what?

44
Like I'm going to journalism school.

45
So you can write about things that happen to other people.

46
- That's one way to look at it. - Suppose nothing happens.

47
Suppose you never meet anybody, you never become anything,

48
then you die and nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hall.

49
- Amanda said you had a dark side. - That's what drew her to me.

50
- Your dark side? - Sure. Why, don't you have a dark side?

51
I know, you probably dot your "i"s with little hearts.

52
I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.

53
Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first.

54
That way, if I die before I finish I know how it ends.

55
That, my friend, is a dark side.

56
That doesn't mean you're deep. I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person.

57
- So am I. - I don't see anything wrong with that.

58
No, you're too busy being happy. Ever think about death?

59
- Yes. - Sure you do. A fleeting thought

60
that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. I spend days.

61
And this makes you a better person?

62
Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not.

63
In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it.

64
- You're wrong. - I'm not wrong. He wants her to leave.

65
- That's why he puts her on the plane. - She doesn't want to stay!

66
Of course she wants to stay! Wouldn't you rather be with Bogart than the other guy?

67
I don't wanna spend my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar.

68
That probably sounds snobbish to you, but I don't.

69
- You'd rather be in a loveless marriage... - And First Lady of Czechoslovakia.

70
.. than with the man you had the greatest sex of your life with,

71
just because he owns a bar and that is all he does?

72
Yes.

73
And so would any woman in her right mind. Women are practical,

74
even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.

75
I understand.

76
- What? What? - Nothing.

77
- What? - Forget about it.

78
- Forget about what? - It's not important.

79
No, just tell me.

80
Obviously you haven't had great sex yet.

81
- Two, please. - Right over there.

82
- Yes, I have. - No, you haven't.

83
It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex.

84
With whom?

85
- What? - With whom did you have this great sex?

86
I'm not gonna tell you that!

87
Fine. Don't tell me.

88
- Shel Gordon. - Shel. Sheldon?

89
No. No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.

90
- I did, too. - No, you didn't.

91
A Sheldon can do your taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man.

92
But humping is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name.

93
"Do it to me, Sheldon. " "You're an animal, Sheldon. " "Ride me, big Sheldon. "

94
- It doesn't work. - Hi.

95
- What can I get you? - I'll have a number three.

96
The chef's salad with the oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie?la mode.

97
Chef and apple?la mode.

98
But I'd like the pie heated and I want the ice cream on the side.

99
I'd like strawberry, if you have it. If not, then whipped cream, but only if it's real.

100
If it's out of a can, nothing.

101
- Not even the pie? - No, just the pie, but then not heated.

102
- What? - Nothing. Nothing.

103
- How come you broke up with Sheldon? - How do you know we broke up?

104
If you didn't, you wouldn't be with me. You'd be with Shel the Wonder Schlong.

105
First of all, I am not with you.

106
And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up.

107
You're right, you're right. I don't wanna know.

108
Well, it was because he was jealous and I had these days-of-the-week underpants.

109
Sorry, I need a judge's ruling on this.

110
- Days-of-the-week underpants? - Yes.

111
They had days of the week on them and I thought they were funny.

112
Then one day Sheldon says to me "You never wear Sunday. "

113
He's all suspicious. Where had I left Sunday?

114
And I told him and he didn't believe me.

115
- What? - They don't make Sunday.

116
- Why not? - Because of God.

117
OK, so 15 % of my share is 90.

118
$6.90.

119
Let's leave seven.

120
What?

121
Do I have something on my face?

122
You're a very attractive person.

123
Thank you.

124
Amanda never said how attractive you were.

125
Maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive.

126
I don't think it's a matter of opinion. Empirically, you are attractive.

127
Amanda is my friend.

128
So?

129
- So you're going with her. - So?

130
So you're coming on to me!

131
No, I wasn't.

132
What?

133
Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on?

134
All right, all right.

135
Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on.

136
What d'you want me to do about it? I take it back, OK? I take it back.

137
You can't take it back.

138
- Why not? - Because it's already out there.

139
What are we supposed to do? Call the cops, it's already out there!

140
Just let it lie.

141
- OK? - Great! "Let it lie. " That's my policy.

142
That's what I always say: "Let it lie. "

143
Wanna spend the night in a motel?

144
- See? I didn't let it lie. - Harry.

145
I said I would, then I didn't.

146
- Harry! - What?

147
We are just going to be friends, OK?

148
Great! Friends! It's the best thing.

149
You realise that we could never be friends.

150
- Why not? - What I'm saying is,

151
and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form,

152
is that men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way.

153
That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

154
- You don't. - I do.

155
- You don't. - I do!

156
You only think you do.

157
I have sex with them without my knowledge?

158
No, they all wanna have sex with you.

159
- They do not. - Do, too.

160
- They do not. - Do, too.

161
How do you know?

162
No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.

163
He always wants to have sex with her.

164
So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.

165
No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too.

166
What if they don't wanna have sex?

167
Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed.

168
- I guess we're not gonna be friends then. - Guess not.

169
That's too bad.

170
You were the only person that I knew in New York.

171
You say ee-ther, I say either

172
You say nee-ther and I say neither

173
Ee-ther, either

174
And nee-ther, neither

175
Let's call the whole thing off

176
Yes, you like potato and I like pot-ahto

177
You like tomato, I like tom-ahto

178
Potato, pot-ahto

179
Tomato, tom-ahto

180
Let's call the whole thing off

181
- Thanks for the ride. - Yeah. It was interesting.

182
- It was nice knowing you. - Yeah.

183
- Well, have a nice life. - You, too.

184
You like potato and I like pot-ahto

185
You like tomato, I like tom-ahto

186
Potato, pot-ahto

187
Tomato, tom-ahto

188
Let's call the whole thing off

189
- We fell in love in high school. - Yeah, we were high-school sweethearts.

190
But then after our junior year his parents moved away.

191
- But I never forgot her. - He never forgot me.

192
No, her face was burned on my brain.

193
And it was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway

194
and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's.

195
We both looked at each other,

196
and it was just as though not a single day had gone by.

197
She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen.

198
He was just the same.

199
He looked exactly the same.

200
FIVE YEARS LATER

201
Joe! I thought it was you. I thought it was you.

202
- Harry Burns. - Harry. How ya doing?

203
- Good. How you doing? - Fine. I'm doing fine.

204
I was just walking by and I thought it was you.

205
Yeah, it was.

206
- You still with the DA's office? - No, I switched to the other side. You?

207
I work with a small firm. We do political consulting. Yeah, it's great.

208
Harry, this is Sally Albright. Harry Burns.

209
Harry and I, we used to... We lived in the same building.

210
Well, listen, I got a plane to catch. It was good to see you, Joe. Bye.

211
Thank God he couldn't place me. I drove to New York with him five years ago

212
and it was the longest night of my life.

213
- What happened? - He made a pass at me. When I said no:

214
he was going with a girlfriend of mine...

215
Oh, God. I can't remember her name.

216
Don't get involved with me. I am 26 and can't remember the name of the girl

217
I was such good friends with I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend.

218
- So what happened? - When?

219
When he made a pass, you said no...

220
I said we could just be friends.

221
And this part I remember. He said men and women could never really be friends.

222
Do you think that's true?

223
No.

224
Do you have any women friends, just friends?

225
No.

226
But I will get one if it's important to you.

227
Amanda Reese!

228
That was her name. Thank God.

229
I will miss you. I love you.

230
- You do? - Yes.

231
I love you.

232
- What would you like to drink? - Nothing, thanks.

233
- D'you have any Bloody Mary mix? - Yes.

234
No, wait. Here's what I want. Regular tomato juice, fill it up three quarters,

235
then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix - just a splash - and some lime on the side.

236
The University of Chicago, right?

237
- Yes. - Did you look this good at university?

238
- No. - Did we ever...?

239
No. No!

240
We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation.

241
- Would you two like to sit together? - Great! Thank you.

242
You were a good friend of...

243
Amanda's. I can't believe you can't remember her name.

244
What do you mean? I can remember. Amanda Rice.

245
- Reese. - Reese, right. What happened to her?

246
- I have no idea. - You have no idea?!

247
You were friends. We didn't make it because you were such good friends.

248
- You went with her! - Was it worth it?

249
The sacrifice, for a friend you no longer see?

250
Harry, you might not believe this,

251
but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.

252
Fair enough. Fair enough.

253
- You wanted to be a gymnast. - Journalist.

254
- That's what I said. And? - I am a journalist. I work at The News.

255
Great. And you're with Joe.

256
Well, that's great. Great.

257
You're together, what, three weeks?

258
- A month. How did you know? - You take someone to the airport,

259
it's the beginning of a relationship. That is why I never do that at the beginning.

260
- Why? - Because eventually things move on

261
and you don't take someone. I never wanted anyone to say

262
"How come you never take me to the airport any more?"

263
It's amazing. You look normal, but actually you are the Angel of Death.

264
Are you gonna marry him?

265
We have known each other a month and neither of us wants to marry right now.

266
I'm getting married.

267
You are?

268
- You are? - Yeah.

269
- Who is she? - Helen Hillson. She's keeping her name.

270
- You're getting married. - Yeah.

271
What's so funny about that?

272
It's just... It's just so optimistic of you, Harry.

273
You'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you.

274
Well, it's wonderful. It's nice to see you embracing life.

275
Yeah. Plus, you get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.

276
- What whole thing? - The whole "life of a single guy" thing.

277
You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide to move on to dinner.

278
You go dancing, you do the white man's overbite,

279
go back to her place, have sex, and then you know what goes through your mind?

280
"How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can go home?"

281
"Is 30 seconds enough?"

282
That's what you're thinking? Is that true?

283
Sure. All men think that.

284
How long do you like to be held afterwards? All night, right?

285
That's the problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.

286
- I don't have a problem. - Yeah, you do.

287
- Staying over? - Yes.

288
Would you like to have dinner? Just friends.

289
You don't believe men and women can be friends.

290
- When did I say that? - On the ride to New York.

291
No, no, no, no, I never said that.

292
Yes, that's right. They can't be friends.

293
Unless both are involved with someone. Then they can. I amend the earlier rule.

294
If two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted.

295
That doesn't work either. The person you're with can't see

296
why you need to be friends with the person,

297
like it means something is missing from the relationship.

298
Then when you say "No, nothing is missing", the person you're with

299
accuses you of being attracted to the person you're just friends with,

300
which you probably are. I mean, let's face it.

301
So we're back to the rule before the amendment:

302
men and women can't be friends. Where's it leave us?

303
- Harry. - What?

304
Goodbye.

305
OK.

306
I'll just stop walking. I'll let you go ahead.

307
We were married 40 years ago.

308
We were married three years, we got a divorce. Then I married Marjorie.

309
- First you lived with Barbara. - Right, Barbara.

310
But I didn't marry Barbara. I married Marjorie.

311
- Then you got a divorce. - Right. Then I married Katie.

312
Another divorce.

313
Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral, I ran into her.

314
I was with some girl I don't even remember.

315
- Roberta. - Right. Roberta.

316
But I couldn't take my eyes off you.

317
I remember I snuck over to her and I said...

318
- What did I say? - You said "What are you doing after?"

319
Right. So I ditch Roberta, we go for coffee, a month later we're married.

320
35 years to the day after our first marriage.

321
- I went through his pockets. - Marie, why?

322
FIVE YEARS LATER

323
- You know what I found? - No, what?

324
They just bought a dining-room table. His wife just spent $1,600 on a table.

325
- Where? - The point isn't where, Alice.

326
The point is he's never gonna leave her.

327
What else is new? You've known this for two years.

328
You're right. I know you're right.

329
Can't you find someone single? When I was single I knew lots of nice single men.

330
There must be someone. Sally found someone.

331
Sally got the last good one.

332
- Joe and I broke up. - What?

333
- When? - Monday.

334
- You waited three days? - Joe's available?

335
For God's sake, Marie, don't you have feelings? She's obviously upset.

336
I'm not that upset. We'd been growing apart for a while.

337
But you were a couple.

338
You had someone to go places with. You had a date on national holidays!

339
I said to myself "You deserve more than this. You're 31... "

340
- And the clock is ticking. - No, it doesn't start to tick until you're 36.

341
God, you're in such great shape.

342
Well, I've had a few days to get used to it, and I feel OK.

343
Good. Then you're ready.

344
- Really, Marie! - Well, how else do you think you do it?

345
I've got the perfect guy. I don't find him attractive, but you might.

346
She doesn't have a problem with chins.

347
- Marie, I'm not ready yet. - But you just said you were over him.

348
I am over him, but I'm in a mourning period.

349
- Who is it? - Alex Anderson.

350
You fixed me up with him six years ago.

351
Sorry. God.

352
All right, wait. Here. Here we go.

353
- Ken Darman. - He's been married for over a year.

354
Really?

355
Married.

356
- Wait. Wait, I got one. - Look,

357
there is no point going out with someone I might like if I met him at the right time,

358
but who right now would just be a transitional man.

359
OK, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened with David Warsaw?

360
His wife left him and everyone said "Give him some time. Don't move in too fast. "

361
Six months later he was dead.

362
Are you saying I should marry quickly in case he's about to die?

363
At least you could say you were married.

364
I'm saying that the right man is out there. If you don't grab him, someone else will,

365
and you'll spend your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband.

366
Ten! Hut!

367
- When did this happen? - Friday. Helen comes home from work

368
and she says "I don't know if I wanna be married any more. "

369
Like it's the institution. Nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about.

370
I'm calm. I say "Why don't we take time to think about it? Don't rush into anything. "

371
- Yeah, right. - Next day she says she's thought about it.

372
She wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it.

373
But we can still date - like this is supposed to cushion the blow.

374
I got married so I could stop dating, so still dating is not a big incentive

375
since the last thing you wanna do is date your wife, who should love you.

376
Which is what I'm saying to her, when it occurs to me maybe she doesn't.

377
So I say to her "Don't you love me any more?"

378
D'you know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you. "

379
That's harsh. You don't bounce back from that right away.

380
- Thanks, Jess. - No, I'm a writer. I know dialogue.

381
That's particularly harsh.

382
Then she says someone in her office is going to South America

383
and she can sublet his apartment. I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings.

384
"I can sublet his apartment" - the words still hang in the air like in a balloon...

385
- Like a cartoon. - Right.

386
So I go to the door and there are moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious.

387
I say "Helen, when did you call these movers?" She doesn't say anything.

388
So I ask the movers "When did this woman book you?"

389
And they're three huge guys. One with a T-shirt saying "Don't fuck with Mr Zero. "

390
So I said "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?" She says "A week ago. "

391
I said "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?"

392
And she says "I didn't wanna ruin your birthday. "

393
Mr Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you?

394
- Mr Zero knew. - I can't believe this!

395
- I haven't told you the bad part yet. - What's worse than Mr Zero knowing?

396
It's all a lie.

397
She's in love with somebody else. Some tax attorney.

398
- She moved in with him. - How did you find out?

399
I followed her. Stood outside the building.

400
- That's so humiliating! - Tell me about it.

401
And, you know, I knew. I knew that even though we were happy, it was an illusion.

402
And that one day she'd kick the shit outta me.

403
Marriages don't break up due to infidelity. It's a symptom something else is wrong.

404
Oh, really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife!

405
So I just happened to see his American Express bill.

406
What do you mean "just happened" to see it?

407
Well, he was shaving, and there it was in his briefcase.

408
What if he came out and saw you?

409
You're missing the point. I'm telling you what I found.

410
He just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife.

411
- I don't think he's ever gonna leave her. - No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.

412
You're right, you're right. I know you're right.

413
Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth.

414
I know him. You'd like him. He's married.

415
- Who is he? - Harry Burns. He's a political consultant.

416
He's cute.

417
- You think he's cute? - How do you know he's married?

418
Last time I saw him he was getting married.

419
- When was that? - Six years ago.

420
So he might not be married any more.

421
Also, he's obnoxious.

422
It's like in The Lady Vanishes, when she says "You're the most obnoxious man",...

423
- "The most contemptible". - .. then they fall madly in love.

424
- Also, he never remembers me. - Sally Albright.

425
- Hi, Harry. - I thought it was you.

426
It is. This is Marie.

427
Was Marie.

428
- How are you? - Fine.

429
- How's Joe? - Fine.

430
I hear he's fine.

431
- You're not with Joe any more? - We just broke up.

432
I'm sorry. That's too bad.

433
Yeah. Well, you know.

434
Yeah.

435
So...

436
- What about you? - I'm fine.

437
How's married life?

438
I'm getting a divorce.

439
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

440
Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?

441
What happened with you guys?

442
When Joe and I started seeing each other we wanted the same thing.

443
We didn't wanna get married because every time anyone we knew got married

444
it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again.

445
It's true. That's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you.

446
I would sit with my girlfriends who have kids... my one girlfriend with kids, Alice,

447
and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it any more.

448
She didn't even complain about it. She said it matter-of-factly.

449
She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted,

450
the kids took every sexual impulse they had out of them.

451
Joe and I would say "We're so lucky. We have this wonderful relationship. "

452
"We can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. "

453
"We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. "

454
Then one day I was taking Alice's girl for the afternoon

455
cos I promised to take her to the circus. We were in the cab playing I-spy.

456
"I spy a mailbox", "I spy a lamppost".

457
And she looked out the window and she saw this man and woman

458
with these two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders.

459
And she said "I spy a family. "

460
And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying.

461
And I went home and I said "The thing is, Joe,

462
we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. "

463
And the kitchen floor...?

464
Not once. It's this very cold, hard, Mexican ceramic tile.

465
Anyway,

466
we talked about it for a long time. I said "This is what I want" and he said "I don't".

467
And I said "Well, I guess it's over. " And he left.

468
And the thing is, I... I feel really fine.

469
I am over him. I mean, I really am over him.

470
That was it for him. That was the most that he could give.

471
And every time I think about it, I am more and more convinced I did the right thing.

472
Boy, you sound really healthy.

473
Yeah.

474
- At least I got the apartment. - That's what everybody says to me.

475
But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? You read the obituary column.

476
You find out who died, go to the building, and then you tip the doorman.

477
It'd be easier if they combined obituaries with the real-estate section.

478
Then you have "Mr Klein died, leaving a wife, two children

479
and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace. "

480
The first time we met I really didn't like you that much.

481
- I didn't like you. - Yeah, you did.

482
You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.

483
I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment, but it's an insult.

484
OK, you're still as hard as nails.

485
I didn't wanna sleep with you so you wrote it off as a character flaw,

486
instead of dealing with the possibility it might have something to do with you.

487
What's the statute of limitations on apologies?

488
- Ten years. - I can just get it in under the wire.

489
Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

490
Are we becoming friends now?

491
Well...

492
Yeah.

493
Great! A woman friend.

494
You may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.

495
That's wonderful, Harry.

496
- We were born in the same hospital,... - In 1921.

497
- .. seven days apart. - In the same hospital.

498
- We both grew up one block apart. - We lived in tenements.

499
- On the Lower East Side. - On Delancey Street.

500
- I moved to the Bronx when I was ten. - He lived on Fordham Road.

501
- She moved when she was 11. - I lived on 183rd Street.

502
- She worked on the 15th floor as a nurse. - I worked for a prominent neurologist,...

503
- I had a practice on the 14th floor. - .. Dr Permelman.

504
- We never met. - Never met.

505
- Can you imagine that? - D'you know where we met? An elevator.

506
- I was visiting family. - In the Ambassador Hotel.

507
He was on the third floor, I was on the 12th.

508
I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.

509
Nine extra floors.

510
- Hello. - You sleeping?

511
- No, I was watching "Casablanca". - Channel?

512
- Eleven. - Thank you. Got it.

513
So you'd be happier with Victor Laszlo than with Humphrey Bogart?

514
- When did I say that? - When we drove to New York.

515
- I never said that. I'd never say that. - All right, fine. Have it your way.

516
- Have you been sleeping? - Why?

517
Cos I haven't been sleeping. I really miss Helen.

518
Maybe I'm coming down with something. I watched "Leave It to Beaver" in Spanish.

519
"Buenos d苨, Se)r Cleaver. ?D莇e est?Wallace y Theodore?"
"

520
I'm not well.

521
I went to bed at 7.30. I haven't done that since third grade.

522
That's the good thing about depression - you rest.

523
- I'm not depressed. - OK. Fine.

524
Do you still sleep on the same side ofthe bed?

525
I did for a while, but now I'm using the whole bed.

526
God, that's great. I feel weird when just my leg wanders over.

527
I miss her.

528
- I don't miss him. I really don't. - Not even a little?

529
You know what I miss?

530
I miss the idea ofhim.

531
Maybe I only miss the idea ofHelen.

532
No, I miss the whole Helen.

533
Last scene.

534
Goodbye, Rick. God bless you.

535
Ingrid Bergman. She's low maintenance.

536
- Low maintenance? - There are two kinds of women.

537
- High maintenance and low maintenance. - And Ingrid is low maintenance?

538
An LM, definitely.

539
- Which one am I? - The worst kind.

540
You're high maintenance, but you think you're low.

541
- I don't see that. - You don't see that?

542
"Waiter, a house salad, but not the regular dressing. "

543
"I'll have balsamic vinegar - on the side. "

544
"Then salmon with mustard sauce, but I want the sauce on the side. "

545
- "On the side" is a big thing for you. - I just want it the way I want it.

546
I know. High maintenance.

547
.. 10,000F should pay our expenses.

548
Our expenses?

549
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

550
Best last line of a movie ever.

551
I'm definitely coming down with something. Probably a 24-hour tumour.

552
- You don't have a tumour. - How do you know?

553
- If you're so worried, go see a doctor. - No, he'll just tell me it's nothing.

554
- Will you be able to sleep? - If not, I'll be OK.

555
- What'll you do? - I'll stay up and moan.

556
Maybe I should practise now.

557
Good night, Harry.

558
Good night.

559
I had my dream again - where I'm making love and Olympic judges are watching?

560
I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it: the finals.

561
I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American,

562
and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6.

563
Must've been the dismount.

564
Basically it's the same one I've had since I was 12.

565
- What happens? - No, it's... It's too embarrassing.

566
- Don't tell me. - OK, there's this guy.

567
- What's he look like? - I don't know. He's just kinda faceless.

568
A faceless guy. OK. Then what happens?

569
He rips off my clothes.

570
- Then what happens? - That's it.

571
That's it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes.

572
And that's the sex fantasy you've had since you were 12. Exactly the same?

573
Well, sometimes I vary it a little.

574
- Which part? - What I'm wearing.

575
- What? - Nothing.

576
I have decided that for today

577
we are going to talk like this.

578
- Like this? - No. To repeat after me.

579
- Pepper. - Pepper.

580
- Pepper. - Pepper!

581
- Pepper. - Pepper.

582
Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

583
Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

584
But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.

585
Oh, no!

586
- But I would be proud. - But I would be proud.

587
- To partake. - To partake.

588
- Of your pecan pie. - Of your pecan pie.

589
- Pecan pie. - Pecan pie.

590
- Pecan pie. - Pecan pie!

591
- Would you like to go to the movies? - Would you like to go...

592
Not to repeat. Please, to answer. Would you like to go to the movies tonight?

593
Well, I'd love to, Harry, but I can't.

594
What do you have? A hot date?

595
- Well, yeah. Yeah. - Really?

596
Yeah. I was gonna tell you, but, I don't know, I felt strange about it.

597
- Why? - Cos we've spent so much time together.

598
I think it's great that you have a date.

599
- You do? - Yeah.

600
- Is that what you're gonna wear? - Yeah.

601
Well, I don't know. Why?

602
I think you should wear skirts more. You look really good in skirts.

603
- I do? - Yeah.

604
I think hieroglyphics are really a comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.

605
- Harry, you should get out there, too. - I'm not ready.

606
- You should. - I would not be good for anybody now.

607
It's time.

608
It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.

609
See, no, it has to go this way.

610
The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.

611
You only had one date.

612
- How do you know it won't get worse? - How much worse can it get

613
than finishing dinner, having him pull a hair out of my head and floss with it?

614
We're talking dream date compared to my horror.

615
It started out fine. She's a very nice person.

616
And we're talking in this Ethiopian restaurant she wanted to go to.

617
I was making jokes, like "I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia. "

618
"This'll be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave. "

619
Yeah! Nothing from her, not even a smile.

620
I downshift into small talk and ask where she went to school.

621
She says Michigan State. And this reminds me of Helen.

622
All of a sudden I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack -

623
my heart's beating fast and I start sweating like a pig.

624
- Helen went to Michigan State? - No, Northwestern.

625
But they're both Big Ten schools.

626
I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant.

627
Harry, I think this takes a long time.

628
It might be months before we're able to enjoy going out with someone new.

629
Yeah.

630
Maybe longer before we're able to go to bed with someone new.

631
I went to bed with her.

632
- You went to bed with her?! - Sure.

633
- I don't understand this relationship. - What d'ya mean?

634
- Enjoy being with her? - Yeah.

635
- You find her attractive? - Yeah.

636
- And you're not sleeping with her? - No.

637
You're afraid to let yourself be happy.

638
Why can't you gimme credit for this? This is a big thing for me.

639
I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I'm growing.

640
- Are you finished? - I got a stack o' quarters. I was here first.

641
- Were not. - Was too.

642
- Were not! - Was too!

643
- Big jerk. - Little creep.

644
- Where was I? - You were growing.

645
Yeah.

646
It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.

647
Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?

648
No, it's just a different perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things.

649
She tells me about the men she sees, and I talk to her about the women I see.

650
- You tell her about other women? - Yeah.

651
Like the other night, I made love to this woman and it was incredible.

652
I took her to a place that wasn't human. She actually meowed.

653
- You made a woman meow? - Yeah, and I can say these things to her.

654
And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I don't wanna get her into bed.

655
- I can just be myself. - You made a woman meow?

656
What do you do with these women? Just get up and leave?

657
- Sure. - Explain how you do it. What do you say?

658
I say I have an early meeting, early squash game.

659
- You don't play squash. - They don't know that. They just met me.

660
- That's disgusting. - I know. I feel terrible.

661
I'm so glad I never got involved with you.

662
I just would've been some woman you had to get outta bed and leave at 3am

663
and go clean your andirons. You don't even have a fireplace.

664
- Not that I would know this. - Why are you upset? This isn't about you.

665
Yes, it is! You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman.

666
Hey, I don't hear anyone complaining.

667
Of course not. You're out the door too fast.

668
- I think they have an OK time. - How do you know?

669
What d'ya mean how do I know? I know.

670
- Because they... - Yes, because they...

671
- How do you know that they're really... - What're you saying? They fake orgasm?

672
- It's possible. - Get outta here!

673
Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.

674
- They haven't faked it with me. - How do you know?

675
Because I know.

676
Right. That's right.

677
I forgot. You're a man.

678
- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing.

679
All men are sure it never happened to them and most women have done it,

680
so you do the math.

681
You don't think I could tell the difference?

682
- No. - Get outta here.

683
Are you OK?

684
Oh, God.

685
Oh, God.

686
Oh, God.

687
Oh, yeah, right there.

688
Oh, yeah, right there.

689
Oh, God.

690
Yes! Yes! Yes!

691
Yes! Yes!

692
Yes!

693
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

694
Yes! Yes! Yes!

695
Yes! Yes! Yes!

696
Oh, God.

697
I'll have what she's having.

698
Sleigh bells ring

699
Are you listening?

700
In the lane snow is glistening

701
A beautiful sight

702
We're happy tonight

703
Walking in a winter wonderland

704
Gone away is the bluebird

705
Here to stay is a new bird

706
He sings a love song as we go along

707
Walking in a winter wonderland

708
In the meadow we can build a snowman

709
And pretend that he is Parson Brown

710
He'll say "Are you married?"

711
We'll say "No, man"

712
"But you can do thejob when you're in town, brother"

713
Later on we'll conspire

714
As we dream by the fire

715
To face unafraid the plans that we made

716
Walking in a winter wonderland

717
Ifthey asked me

718
I could write a book

719
About the way you walk and whisper...

720
- I like you with no beard. I see your face. - It is my face!

721
Whoa! Dipping you.

722
- Thank you for taking me out tonight. - Don't be silly.

723
The next New Year's Eve, if neither of us is with anybody, you got a date.

724
Deal.

725
See? Now we can dance cheek to cheek.

726
Isjust to tell them

727
That I love you a lot

728
Then the world discovers

729
As my book ends

730
How to make two lovers

731
Of friends

732
Hey, everybody! Ten seconds to New Year!

733
- Ten,... - Wanna get some air?

734
- Yeah. - .. seven, six, five, four,

735
three, two, one!

736
Happy New Year!

737
- Happy New Year. - Happy New Year.

738
He was a head counsellor at boys' camp, I was a head counsellor at girls' camp,

739
and they had a social one night, and he walked across the room.

740
I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine,

741
cos people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine.

742
But he was coming to talk to me, and he said

743
"I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls. "

744
At that moment I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon.

745
You sent flowers to yourself.

746
$60 I spent on this big arrangement of flowers, and I wrote a card

747
that I planned to leave on the table where Arthur would just happen to see it.

748
What did the card say?

749
"Please say yes. Love Jonathan. "

750
- Did it work? - He never even came over.

751
He forgot a charity thing his wife is chairman of. He's never gonna leave her!

752
- Of course he isn't. - You're right. I know you're right.

753
- Where is this place? - Somewhere on the next block.

754
I can't believe I'm doing this.

755
Harry is one of my best friends and you are one of my best friends.

756
And if you two hit it off, we could still be friends, instead of drifting apart

757
like you do when you date someone who doesn't know your friends.

758
You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur.

759
If Arthur ever left his wife and I actually met him,

760
I am sure that you and I would drift apart.

761
He's never gonna leave her.

762
Of course he isn't.

763
You're right. I know you're right.

764
- I dunno about this. - It's just a dinner.

765
I've finally gotten to a place where I'm comfortable with just me and my work.

766
- If she's so great why don't you date her? - I told you. We're just friends.

767
- So she's not attractive? - No, she is attractive.

768
- You said she had a good personality. - She has a good personality.

769
What?

770
When someone's not attractive, they're described as having a good personality.

771
If you'd asked about looks and I'd said "She has a good personality",

772
she's not attractive.

773
But because I mentioned she has a good personality, she can be either.

774
Attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality.

775
- So which one is she? - Attractive.

776
But not beautiful, right?

777
It's like, whenever I read Jimmy Breslin, it's as if he's leaving a wake-up call

778
- for the City of New York. - What d'you mean by a "wake-up call"?

779
He's saying that we've got people in the city who are on welfare...

780
Would I have seen any of your windows?

781
A couple of weeks ago I did a thing with hostages.

782
- The people in blindfolds. - Yeah.

783
I thought it was like late '80s.

784
That's interesting.

785
Let's just say I'm not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin.

786
Well, he's the reason I became a writer, but that's not important.

787
Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey.

788
- Really? - Where?

789
- South Orange. - Haddonfield.

790
- So, what are we gonna order? - I'm gonna start with the grilled radicchio.

791
Jess, Sally is a great orderer. Not only does she pick the best,

792
but she orders it in a way even the chef didn't know how good it could be.

793
- Restaurants have become too important. - I agree.

794
"Restaurants are to people in the '80s what theatre was to people in the '60s. "

795
I read that in a magazine.

796
I wrote that.

797
- Get outta here. - No, I did! I wrote that.

798
I've never quoted anything from a magazine. That's amazing.

799
Don't you think that's amazing? And you wrote it?

800
I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the '80s. "

801
- Get over yourself! - I did!

802
- Where did I read that? - New York Magazine.

803
Sally writes for New York Magazine.

804
You know, that piece had a real impact on me. I don't know much about writing...

805
It spoke to you, and that pleases me.

806
I mean, you have to admire people who can be that articulate.

807
Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before.

808
I've been looking for a red suede pump.

809
What do you think of Jess?

810
- Well... - Do you think you could go out with him?

811
- I don't know... - Cos I feel really comfortable with him.

812
- You wanna go out with Jess. - If it would be all right with you.

813
Sure. Sure. I'm just worried about Harry.

814
He's sensitive, he's going through a rough period, and I don't want you to reject him.

815
I wouldn't. I totally understand.

816
If you don't think you're gonna call Marie, do you mind if I call her?

817
- No, no. - Good. Good.

818
But for tonight you shouldn't. I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now.

819
You can call Marie, but wait a week or so. Don't make any moves tonight.

820
Fine. No problem. I wasn't even thinking about tonight.

821
Well, I don't feel like walking any more. I think I'll get a cab.

822
- I'll go with you. - Great! Taxi!

823
A man came to me and said "I found nice girl for you. "

824
"She lives in the next village

825
and she is ready for marriage. "

826
We were not supposed to meet until the wedding,

827
but I wanted to make sure.

828
So I sneak into her village, hid behind a tree,

829
watch her washing the clothes.

830
I think if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her.

831
But she looked very nice to me.

832
So I said "OK" to the man.

833
We get married.

834
We married for 55 years.

835
FOUR MONTHS LATER

836
- I have to get this. - Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie.

837
- We'll find something. Great stuff. - Should have gone to the plant store.

838
- Here. Perfect for them. - What's that?

839
Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan.

840
- Why is this necessary in life? - I don't know.

841
Look at this. Also makes great fries.

842
Good. Call off the dogs. The hunt is over.

843
Sally, this is the greatest.

844
Sally, please report to me.

845
Look. This is the greatest. You're gonna love this.

846
This is a singing machine. Look, you sing the lead and this has the backup.

847
- This is from Oklahoma! - "Surrey with the Fringe on Top".

848
Yes, perfect.

849
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

850
When I take you out in my surrey

851
When I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top

852
Now you!

853
Watch that fringe and see how it flutters

854
When I drive those high-stepping strutters

855
Nosey pokes'll peek through the shutters

856
And their eyes will pop!

857
The wheels are yellow, the upholstery's brown

858
The dashboard's genuine leather

859
With isinglass curtains that will ro...

860
What?

861
It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice.

862
- I know, it's terrible. Joe hated it... - It's Helen.

863
Helen?

864
She's coming right towards me.

865
- How are you, Harry? - Fine. I'm fine.

866
This is Ira Stone. Harry Burns.

867
Harry.

868
I'm sorry. This is Sally Albright. Helen Hillson

869
and Ira.

870
Sally.

871
- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

872
Well...

873
- See you. - Yeah. Bye.

874
Nice to meet you, Ira.

875
You OK?

876
Yeah, I'm perfect.

877
She looked weird, didn't she? She looked really weird.

878
- I've never seen her before. - Trust me. Her legs looked heavy.

879
- Must be retaining water. - Harry!

880
Believe me, the woman saved everything.

881
Sure you're OK?

882
I'm fine. Look, it had to happen at some point.

883
In a city of eight million, you're bound to run into your ex-wife. So it happened.

884
And now I'm fine.

885
I like it. It works. It says "home" to me.

886
All right. All right. We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge.

887
What do you think?

888
- It's nice. - Case closed.

889
Of course he likes it - he's a guy.

890
Sally?

891
What's so awful about it?

892
It's so awful, there's no way to begin to explain what's so awful about it.

893
Honey, I don't object to your things.

894
If we had room, you could put your things in it, like your bar stools...

895
Honey, wait, wait. Honey, wait. You don't like my bar stools?

896
Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side.

897
I'm on your side. I just want you to have good taste.

898
I have good taste!

899
Everybody thinks they have good taste, but they couldn't all have good taste.

900
You know, it's funny. We started out like this, Helen and I.

901
We hung things, we picked out tiles together. Then you know what happens?

902
Six years later you're singing "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" in front of Ira!

903
- Do we have to talk about this right now? - Yes. Right now is the perfect time,

904
because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience.

905
Right now everything is great. Everyone is happy and in love, and that's wonderful.

906
But sooner or later, you'll be screaming at each other about who'll get this dish.

907
This $8 dish will cost $1,000 in calls to the legal firm of "That's mine, this is yours".

908
- Harry! - Please.

909
Jess, Marie, do me a favour for your own good.

910
Put your name in your books right now before you don't know whose is whose,

911
because some day you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table.

912
This stupid, wagon-wheel, Roy-Rogers, garage-sale coffee table!

913
- I thought you liked it. - I was being nice!

914
He just bumped into Helen.

915
I want you to know

916
that I will never want that wagon-wheel coffee table.

917
I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it.

918
Harry, you have to try to find a way of not expressing every feeling you have,

919
every moment that you have them.

920
- Oh, really? - Yes.

921
There are times and places for things.

922
Well, the next time you're giving a lecture on social graces, tell me cos I'll sign up.

923
Hey! You don't have to take your anger out on me.

924
I'm entitled to throw anger your way.

925
Especially when I'm being told how to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners!

926
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing bothers you!

927
- You never get upset about anything! - Don't be ridiculous!

928
What?

929
You never get upset about Joe. I never see it back up on you. How is it possible?

930
- Don't you experience feelings of loss? - I don't have to take this crap.

931
- If you're over Joe, why not see people? - I see people!

932
See people! Have you slept with one person since Joe?

933
What the hell does that have to do with anything?

934
That will prove I'm over Joe because I fuck somebody?!

935
You have to move back to New Jersey cos you've slept with everyone in New York.

936
I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you.

937
Besides, I will make love when it is making love.

938
Not the way you do it, like you're out for revenge or something.

939
Are you finished now?

940
Yes.

941
Can I say something?

942
Yes.

943
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

944
Don't say a word!

945
It's a monkey, a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do.

946
- It's an ape. Going ape. - It's a baby!

947
- Planet ofthe Apes! - She said baby! Try Planet ofthe Dopes.

948
- It doesn't look like a baby. - Big mouth. Jagger as a baby.

949
- Baby ape! - Stop with the apes.

950
- Baby's breath. - Rosemary's Baby's mouth?

951
- "Won't You Come Home, Bill Baby?" - Kiss the baby!

952
- "Melancholy Baby's Mouth"! - Baby fish... Baby-fish mouth!

953
- 15 seconds. - A big mouth.

954
- Baby boom! - Baby...

955
Draw something resembling anything!

956
- Crying baby. Kiss the baby. - Baby spitting up... Exorcist Baby!

957
- "Yes Sir, That's My Baby". - "No sir, don't mean maybe. "

958
- That's it. Time's up. - Baby talk.

959
Baby talk? What's that? That's not a saying.

960
But "baby-fish mouth" is sweeping the nation! I hear them talking!

961
Final score. Our team: 110.

962
You guys: 60.

963
- Ouch. Fix! Definitely a fix. - Pathetic.

964
- I can't draw. - That's a baby, and it's clearly talking.

965
You're wonderful.

966
- Who wants coffee? - I do, and I love you.

967
- D'you have tea? - Industrial strength.

968
- I'll help you. Decaf? - Yeah.

969
- Three. - Yes, please.

970
- Where's the bathroom? - Through that door, down the hall.

971
Never looked like a baby to me.

972
- Which part? - All of it.

973
- You were gonna show me a book cover. - Yeah, it's in the den.

974
Julian, help yourself. Have some more wine, whatever, OK?

975
I like saying den. Got a nice ring to it.

976
Emily's a little young for Harry, don't you think?

977
Well, she's young, but look what she's done.

978
What has she done? She makes desserts.

979
- Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you? - He's a good guy. You should talk to him.

980
He's too tall to talk to.

981
She makes 3,500 chocolate-mousse pies a week.

982
Emily is "Aunt Emily"?

983
He took us to a Met game last week. It was great.

984
- You all went to a Met game together? - Yeah, but it was a last-minute thing.

985
But Sally hates baseball.

986
Harry doesn't even like sweets.

987
Julian is great.

988
I know. He's a grown-up.

989
- Emily is terrific. - Yeah. But when I asked where she was

990
when Kennedy was shot, she said "Ted Kennedy was shot?"

991
- Hello? - Are you alone?

992
Yeah. I was just finishing a book.

993
- Could you come over? - What's the matter?

994
- He's getting married. - Who?

995
Joe!

996
I'll be right there.

997
- Hi. - Are you all right?

998
Come on in.

999
- I'm sorry to call you so late. - It's all right.

1000
- I need a Kleenex! - OK.

1001
OK. OK.

1002
He just called me up, "Wanted to see how you were",

1003
"Fine. How are you?" "Fine. "

1004
His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up.

1005
He's got a big case in Newark, blah, blah, blah.

1006
And I'm sitting on the phone thinking "I am over him, I really am over him,

1007
I can't believe I was ever remotely interested in any of this. "

1008
And then he said "I have some news. "

1009
She works in his office. She's a paralegal. Her name is Kimberly.

1010
He just met her!

1011
She's supposed to be his transitional person, not "the one"!

1012
All this time, I've been saying that he didn't wanna get married.

1013
But the truth is,

1014
he didn't wanna marry me.

1015
He didn't love me.

1016
If you could take him back right now, would you?

1017
No!

1018
But why didn't he wanna marry me?

1019
- What's the matter with me? - Nothing.

1020
- I'm difficult. - You're challenging.

1021
- I'm too structured. I'm closed off. - But in a good way.

1022
No, no, no. I drove him away.

1023
And I'm gonna be 40!

1024
When?

1025
- Some day. - In eight years.

1026
But it's there! It's just sitting there like this big dead end.

1027
And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73.

1028
Yeah, but he was too old to pick 'em up.

1029
Come here. Come here.

1030
It's gonna be OK.

1031
It's gonna be fine, you'll see.

1032
Go ahead. It's not one of my favourites anyway.

1033
It's gonna be OK. Hm?

1034
Hm? OK?

1035
OK.

1036
- I'll make some tea. - Harry, could you hold me a little longer?

1037
Oh, sure.

1038
OK? Hm?

1039
Are you comfortable?

1040
Sure.

1041
- D'you want something to drink? - No, I'm OK.

1042
I'm going to get up for some water, so it's really no trouble.

1043
OK. Water.

1044
You have all your video tapes alphabetised and on index cards.

1045
Thank you.

1046
- D'you wanna watch something? - No. Not unless you do.

1047
No. That's OK.

1048
- D'you wanna go to sleep? - OK.

1049
Where are you going?

1050
I gotta go.

1051
Gotta go home, change my clothes and go to work. And so do you.

1052
But after work I'd like to take you out to dinner, if you're free. You free?

1053
- Yes. - Fine. I'll call you later.

1054
- Fine. - Fine.

1055
- Yours! - Hello.

1056
- Sorry to call so early. - Are you all right?

1057
No one I know would call at this hour.

1058
- No one I know would call. - It's awful.

1059
- I need to talk. - What happened?

1060
- Harry came over. - I went to Sally's.

1061
- I was upset Joe was marrying. - One thing led to another.

1062
- Before I knew it we were kissing. Then... - .. we did it.

1063
They did it!

1064
- That's great! - We prayed for it.

1065
- You shoulda done it before. - We said you should do it.

1066
- You belong together. - You killed two birds with one stone.

1067
- Two wrongs make a right. - How was it?

1068
- During part was good,... - Good,...

1069
- .. then I felt suffocated. - .. then it wasn't.

1070
- Sorry. - The worst.

1071
- I had to go. - He left.

1072
- I feel bad. - I'm embarrassed.

1073
I don't blame you.

1074
- I feel ill. - I'm catching a cold.

1075
Look, it didn't work out.

1076
Never sleep with anyone when you find out your ex is marrying.

1077
- Who's talking? - Is that Jess?

1078
- It's Jane Fonda on the VCR. - It's Bryant Gumbel.

1079
Wanna have breakfast?

1080
- No, I'm not up to it. - I feel too awful.

1081
- Good. - I mean, it's so early.

1082
- But call me later. - I'll call you later.

1083
- OK. Bye. - Bye.

1084
- Bye. - Bye.

1085
- God! - I know.

1086
Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.

1087
You will never have to be out there again.

1088
I'll just say we made a mistake.

1089
Sally, it was a mistake.

1090
I just hope I get to say it first.

1091
I hope she says it before I do.

1092
- It was a mistake. - I am so relieved that you think so, too.

1093
I'm not saying last night wasn't great.

1094
- It was! - Yes, it was!

1095
- We just never should have done it. - I couldn't agree more.

1096
- I am so relieved! - Great.

1097
Yeah.

1098
Two mixed green salads.

1099
It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk. Hm?

1100
Most of the time, you go to bed with someone,

1101
then she tells you all her stories, you tell her all your stories.

1102
But with Sally and me, we'd already heard each other's stories.

1103
So once we went to bed, we didn't know what we were supposed to do. You know?

1104
Sure, Harry.

1105
I don't know.

1106
Maybe you get to a point in a relationship where it's too late to have sex. You know?

1107
Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding?

1108
I don't think so.

1109
- Is he seeing anyone? - He was seeing this anthropologist, but...

1110
- What does she look like? - Thin, pretty, big tits.

1111
Your basic nightmare.

1112
What d'ya think?

1113
Marie...

1114
Tell the truth.

1115
It's just beautiful.

1116
We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Marie and Jess.

1117
And to consecrate their vows of matrimony.

1118
The vows they will take join their lives.

1119
The wine they will share binds all their hopes together.

1120
And by the rings they will wear,

1121
they will be known to all as husband and wife.

1122
I've never seen her so happy. She's a different person.

1123
Oh, yeah, she is. It's great, but what're we gonna do about you?

1124
- Me? - Hon, you wanna dance?

1125
- Oh, yeah! Yeah, I do. - Excuse us.

1126
- Hi. - Hello.

1127
- Nice ceremony. - Beautiful.

1128
Boy, the holidays are rough! Every year I try to get from Thanksgiving to New Year.

1129
A lot of suicides.

1130
- Would you like a pea pod with shrimp? - Thank you.

1131
- How've you been? - Fine.

1132
- Seeing anybody? - Harry.

1133
- What? - I don't wanna talk about this.

1134
- Why not? - I don't want to talk about it.

1135
Why can't we get past this? Are we gonna carry this thing around for ever?

1136
- Forever? It just happened! - It happened three weeks ago.

1137
You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?

1138
Yes!

1139
Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?

1140
- Yes. - Who is the dog?

1141
- You are. - I am! I am the dog!

1142
I am the dog! I...

1143
I don't see that. You are the dog. You act like what happened didn't mean anything.

1144
No, I don't, but why does it have to mean everything?

1145
Because it does! You know it better than anyone, cos after it happens you walk out!

1146
- I didn't walk out. - Sprinted is more like it.

1147
- We both agreed it was a mistake. - The worst mistake I ever made!

1148
- What do you want from me? - Nothing!

1149
Fine! But let's just get one thing straight. I did not go over there to make love to you.

1150
But you looked at me with these weepy eyes: "Don't go home. Hold me, Harry. "

1151
- What was I supposed to do? - Are you saying you took pity on me?

1152
- No! I was... - Fuck you!

1153
Everybody, could I have your attention, please?

1154
I'd like to propose a toast, to Harry and Sally.

1155
To Harry and Sally.

1156
If Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive,

1157
we would not be here today.

1158
Have yourselfa merry little Christmas

1159
Let yourselfbe light

1160
From now on our troubles will be out ofsight

1161
Have yourself a merry little Christmas

1162
Make the yuletide gay

1163
From now on our troubles will be miles away

1164
Hi, it's me. It's the holiday season,

1165
and I thought I'd remind you that it's the season of forgiveness.

1166
And, although it's not widely known, it is also the season of grovelling.

1167
So, if you felt like calling me back,

1168
I'd be more than happy to do the traditional Christmas grovelling.

1169
Give me a call.

1170
Hi, I'm not home. I'll call you right back.

1171
If you're there, please pick up. I really wanna talk to you.

1172
The fact you're not answering leads me to believe you're either, A: not at home,

1173
home, but don't wanna talk to me, or C:

1174
home, desperately wanna talk to me, but trapped under something heavy.

1175
If it's either A or C, please call me back.

1176
Obviously she doesn't wanna talk to me. What do I have to do, be hit on the head?

1177
If she wants to call, she'll call. I'm through acting like a schmuck.

1178
If you're feeling sad and lonely

1179
There's a service I can render

1180
Tell the one who digs you only

1181
I can be so warm and tender

1182
Call me

1183
Maybe it's late tojust call me

1184
Don't be afraid to just phone moi

1185
Call me and I'll be around

1186
Give me a call.

1187
- Hi, Harry. - Hello. Hi! Hi!

1188
I didn't know that you would... That you were there.

1189
- What're you doing? - I was just on my way out.

1190
Where you going?

1191
- What do you want, Harry? - Nothing. Nothing.

1192
I... I just called to say I'm sorry.

1193
OK.

1194
- I gotta go. - Wait a second. Wait... wait a second.

1195
What're you doing for New Year's? Going to the Tylers' party? I don't have a date.

1196
If you don't have a date, we always said we could be together for New Year's and...

1197
I can't do this any more. I am not your consolation prize.

1198
Goodbye.

1199
And here we are once again. The 16th annual "New Year's Rocking Eve",

1200
coming to you live...

1201
What's so bad about this? You got Dick Clark - tradition.

1202
You got Mallomars, the greatest cookie of all time.

1203
And you're about to give the Knicks their first championship since 1973.

1204
I don't know why I let you drag me to this.

1205
This is much better. Fresh air, I have the streets all to myself.

1206
Who needs to be at a big, crowded party, pretending to have a good time?

1207
Plus, this is the perfect time to catch up on my window-shopping.

1208
This is good.

1209
So the guy says "Read the card. "

1210
- I'm going home. - You'll never get a taxi.

1211
Oh, God!

1212
You realise that we could never be friends.

1213
- Why not? - What I'm saying is,

1214
men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way.

1215
That's not true!

1216
No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.

1217
- He always wants to have sex with her. - What if they don't wanna have sex?

1218
Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed.

1219
And that is the end ofthe story.

1220
- I guess we're not gonna be friends then. - Guess not.

1221
That's too bad.

1222
You were the only person that I knew in New York.

1223
It had to be you

1224
It had to be you

1225
I wandered around

1226
And I finally found

1227
The somebody who

1228
Could make me be true

1229
And could make me be blue...

1230
- I'm going. - It's almost midnight!

1231
- The thought of not kissing somebody... - I'll kiss you.

1232
Hey, taxi! Taxi!

1233
Taxi!

1234
Shit.

1235
- Come on, stay. Please. - Thanks, Jess. I just... I have to go.

1236
- Wait two minutes. - I'll call you tomorrow.

1237
Might never be mean

1238
Might never be cross

1239
Or try to be boss

1240
But they wouldn't do

1241
For nobody else

1242
Gave me a thrill

1243
With all your faults

1244
I love you still

1245
It had to be you...

1246
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.

1247
- What? - I love you.

1248
- How d'you expect me to respond to this? - How about you love me, too?

1249
- How about I'm leaving? - Doesn't what I said mean anything?

1250
Sorry, Harry. I know it's New Year's Eve, I know you're feeling lonely,

1251
but you just can't show up, say you love me and expect that to make it all right.

1252
- It doesn't work this way. - Well, how does it work?

1253
- I don't know, but not this way. - Then how about this way?

1254
I love that you get cold when it's 71?out.

1255
I love that it takes you 11/2 hours to order a sandwich.

1256
I love that you get a crinkle here when you look at me like I'm nuts.

1257
I love that after I spend a day with you I smell your perfume on my clothes.

1258
And I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night.

1259
And it's not because I'm lonely or because it's New Year's Eve.

1260
I came cos when you realise you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone

1261
you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

1262
You see?

1263
That is just like you, Harry.

1264
You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you!

1265
And I hate you, Harry.

1266
I really hate you.

1267
I hate you.

1268
What does this song mean? My whole life, I don't know.

1269
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot" - should we forget old acquaintances?

1270
Or if we forget them, should we remember them?

1271
Which is not possible cos we already forgot 'em!

1272
Maybe it just means we should remember that we forgot them, or something.

1273
Anyway, it's about old friends.

1274
The first time we met we hated each other.

1275
No, I hated you. The second time we met, you didn't even remember me.

1276
I did, too! I remembered you.

1277
The third time we met we became friends.

1278
- We were friends for a long time. - And then we weren't.

1279
And then we fell in love.

1280
- Three months later we got married. - It only took three months.

1281
12 years and three months.

1282
- We had a really wonderful wedding. - It really was a beautiful wedding.

1283
- We had this enormous coconut cake. - Huge coconut cake with the tiers.

1284
And there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side.

1285
Right. Cos not everybody likes it on the cake cos it makes it soggy.

1286
Particularly, the coconut soaks up a lot, so it's important to keep it on the side.

1287
It had to be you

1288
It had to be you

1289
I wandered around and finally found

1290
The somebody who

1291
Could make me be true

1292
Could make me be blue

1293
And even be gladjust to be sad

1294
Thinking of you

1295
But you say ee-ther, and I say either

1296
You say nee-ther, I say neither

1297
Ee-ther, either Nee-ther, neither

1298
Let's call the whole thing off

1299
You say potato and I say pot-ahto

1300
You say tomato, I say tom-ahto

1301
Potato, pot-ahto Tomato, tom-ahto

1302
Let's call the whole thing off

1303
Oh, if we call the whole thing off, then we must part

1304
And though if we ever part, that would break my heart

1305
You say laughter, I say larf-ter

1306
You say after, I say arf-ter

1307
Before we know we need each other

1308
So we'd better call, call it off, oh!

1309
Let's Call it off!

1310
Oh, let's Call it off!

1311
Baby, let's Call it off!

1312
Sugar, why don't we

1313
Let's, let's call the whole thing

1314
They're writing songs oflove, but not for me

1315
A lucky star's above, but not for me

1316
With love to lead the way, I've found more clouds ofgrey

1317
Than any Russian play could guarantee

1318
I was a fool to fall and get that way

1319
Hi-ho alas

1320
And also lackaday

1321
Although I can't dismiss the memory ofher kiss

1322
I guess she's not

1323
For

1324
Me

1325
It had to be you

1326
It had to be you

1327
For nobody else gave me a thrill

1328
With all your faults, I love you still

1329
It had to be you, wonderful you

1330
It had to be you

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