Are you saying I should marry quickly
in case he's about to die?
At least you could say you were married.
I'm saying that the right man is out there.
If you don't grab him, someone else will,
and you'll spend your life knowing that
someone else is married to your husband.
- When did this happen?
- Friday. Helen comes home from work
and she says "I don't know
if I wanna be married any more. "
Like it's the institution. Nothing personal,
just something she's been thinking about.
I'm calm. I say "Why don't we take time to
think about it? Don't rush into anything. "
- Yeah, right.
- Next day she says she's thought about it.
She wants a trial separation.
She just wants to try it.
But we can still date -
like this is supposed to cushion the blow.
I got married so I could stop dating,
so still dating is not a big incentive
since the last thing you wanna do
is date your wife, who should love you.
Which is what I'm saying to her,
when it occurs to me maybe she doesn't.
So I say to her
"Don't you love me any more?"
D'you know what she says?
"I don't know if I've ever loved you. "
That's harsh. You don't
bounce back from that right away.
- Thanks, Jess.
- No, I'm a writer. I know dialogue.
That's particularly harsh.
Then she says someone in her office
is going to South America
and she can sublet his apartment.
I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings.
"I can sublet his apartment" - the words
still hang in the air like in a balloon...
- Like a cartoon.
So I go to the door and there are moving
men there. Now I start to get suspicious.
I say "Helen, when did you call
these movers?" She doesn't say anything.
So I ask the movers
"When did this woman book you?"
And they're three huge guys. One with
a T-shirt saying "Don't fuck with Mr Zero. "
So I said "Helen, when did you make this
arrangement?" She says "A week ago. "
I said "You've known for a week
and you didn't tell me?"
And she says
"I didn't wanna ruin your birthday. "
Mr Zero knew you were getting
a divorce a week before you?
- Mr Zero knew.
- I can't believe this!
- I haven't told you the bad part yet.
- What's worse than Mr Zero knowing?
It's all a lie.
She's in love with somebody else.
Some tax attorney.
- She moved in with him.
- How did you find out?
I followed her. Stood outside the building.
- That's so humiliating!
- Tell me about it.
And, you know, I knew. I knew that even
though we were happy, it was an illusion.
And that one day
she'd kick the shit outta me.
Marriages don't break up due to infidelity.
It's a symptom something else is wrong.
Well, that symptom is fucking my wife!
So I just happened to see
his American Express bill.
What do you mean
"just happened" to see it?
Well, he was shaving,
and there it was in his briefcase.
What if he came out and saw you?
You're missing the point.
I'm telling you what I found.
He just spent $120
on a new nightgown for his wife.
- I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.
- No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.
You're right, you're right.
I know you're right.
Someone is staring at you
in Personal Growth.
I know him. You'd like him. He's married.
- Who is he?
- Harry Burns. He's a political consultant.
- You think he's cute?
- How do you know he's married?
Last time I saw him
he was getting married.
- When was that?
- Six years ago.
So he might not be married any more.
Also, he's obnoxious.
It's like in The Lady Vanishes, when she
says "You're the most obnoxious man",...
- "The most contemptible".
- .. then they fall madly in love.
- Also, he never remembers me.
- Sally Albright.
- Hi, Harry.
- I thought it was you.
It is. This is Marie.
- How are you?
- How's Joe?
I hear he's fine.
- You're not with Joe any more?
- We just broke up.
I'm sorry. That's too bad.
Yeah. Well, you know.
- What about you?
- I'm fine.
How's married life?
I'm getting a divorce.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?
What happened with you guys?
When Joe and I started seeing each other
we wanted the same thing.
We didn't wanna get married because
every time anyone we knew got married
it ruined their relationship.
They practically never had sex again.
It's true. That's one of the secrets
that no one ever tells you.
I would sit with my girlfriends who have
kids... my one girlfriend with kids, Alice,
and she would complain about
how she and Gary never did it any more.
She didn't even complain about it.
She said it matter-of-factly.
She said they were up all night,
they were both exhausted,
the kids took every sexual impulse
they had out of them.
Joe and I would say "We're so lucky.
We have this wonderful relationship. "
"We can have sex on the kitchen floor
and not worry about the kids walking in. "
"We can fly off to Rome
on a moment's notice. "
Then one day I was taking
Alice's girl for the afternoon
cos I promised to take her to the circus.
We were in the cab playing I-spy.
"I spy a mailbox", "I spy a lamppost".
And she looked out the window
and she saw this man and woman
with these two little kids, and the man
had one of the kids on his shoulders.
And she said "I spy a family. "
And I started to cry.
You know, I just started crying.
And I went home
and I said "The thing is, Joe,
we never do fly off to Rome
on a moment's notice. "
And the kitchen floor...?
Not once. It's this very cold,
hard, Mexican ceramic tile.
we talked about it for a long time. I said
"This is what I want" and he said "I don't".
And I said "Well, I guess it's over. "
And he left.
And the thing is, I... I feel really fine.
I am over him.
I mean, I really am over him.
That was it for him.
That was the most that he could give.
And every time I think about it, I am more
and more convinced I did the right thing.
Boy, you sound really healthy.
- At least I got the apartment.
- That's what everybody says to me.
But really, what's so hard about finding an
apartment? You read the obituary column.
You find out who died, go to the building,
and then you tip the doorman.
It'd be easier if they combined
obituaries with the real-estate section.
Then you have "Mr Klein died,
leaving a wife, two children
and a spacious three-bedroom
apartment with a wood-burning fireplace. "
The first time we met
I really didn't like you that much.
- I didn't like you.
- Yeah, you did.
You were just so uptight then.
You're much softer now.
I hate that kind of remark. It sounds
like a compliment, but it's an insult.
OK, you're still as hard as nails.
I didn't wanna sleep with you
so you wrote it off as a character flaw,
instead of dealing with the possibility
it might have something to do with you.
What's the statute of limitations
- Ten years.
- I can just get it in under the wire.
Would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?
Are we becoming friends now?
Great! A woman friend.
You may be the first attractive woman I've
not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.
That's wonderful, Harry.
- We were born in the same hospital,...
- In 1921.
- .. seven days apart.
- In the same hospital.
- We both grew up one block apart.
- We lived in tenements.
- On the Lower East Side.
- On Delancey Street.
- I moved to the Bronx when I was ten.
- He lived on Fordham Road.
- She moved when she was 11.
- I lived on 183rd Street.
- She worked on the 15th floor as a nurse.
- I worked for a prominent neurologist,...
- I had a practice on the 14th floor.
- .. Dr Permelman.
- We never met.
- Never met.
- Can you imagine that?
- D'you know where we met? An elevator.
- I was visiting family.
- In the Ambassador Hotel.
He was on the third floor,
I was on the 12th.
I rode up nine extra floors
just to keep talking to her.
Nine extra floors.
- You sleeping?
- No, I was watching "Casablanca".
- Thank you. Got it.
So you'd be happier with Victor Laszlo
than with Humphrey Bogart?
- When did I say that?
- When we drove to New York.
- I never said that. I'd never say that.
- All right, fine. Have it your way.
- Have you been sleeping?
Cos I haven't been sleeping.
I really miss Helen.
Maybe I'm coming down with something. I
watched "Leave It to Beaver" in Spanish.
"Buenos d苨, Se)r Cleaver.
?D莇e est?Wallace y Theodore?"
I'm not well.
I went to bed at 7.30.
I haven't done that since third grade.
That's the good thing
about depression - you rest.
- I'm not depressed.
- OK. Fine.
Do you still sleep
on the same side ofthe bed?
I did for a while,
but now I'm using the whole bed.
God, that's great. I feel weird
when just my leg wanders over.
I miss her.
- I don't miss him. I really don't.
- Not even a little?
You know what I miss?
I miss the idea ofhim.
Maybe I only miss the idea ofHelen.
No, I miss the whole Helen.
Goodbye, Rick. God bless you.
Ingrid Bergman. She's low maintenance.
- Low maintenance?
- There are two kinds of women.